Vol. 64 - No. 63
~\
j Je i ~ ,. ~-...." , \ I
\ \. \
~Y •
Plagiarized by The Overnight Term Paper CommiU~ May 33. 1962
'Hot Spot~
Nli~er
The Seniol' class. in con·
junction with the newly form·
ed Personal and Private ReIe;
tions Club, will sponsor a
mixer to be held on May 30
(Memorial Day) in the Plaza
facing the Brandenburg Gate
in West Germany.
The mixer 'The Hottest
Spot On Earth' will be attend·
ed by representatives from
more than ten girls concen,
tration camps and the music
shall be provided by the
Peace Corps Twist Band.
To highlight the evening.
a disarmament conference
will be held in public amidst
a fireworks display -featuring
the newest atomic weapons.
No one will be admitted
without at least one German
Luger and a hand-grenade.
A blast of a time is prom- f
ised fot' all.
tivists? So you see, my fel.10w
moderate realists. there aetually
was noth ing to worry about,
Now when the nasty ole non.:'
thomists accuse Uii of not dealing
with reality (and they will,
my son) - we can feed th is tc
them.
Buy-A-Brick Drive
Pusherl Bv Sodalists
Fairfield. Conn., April 30 (PR
release) - A five-million - ton
dormitory disappeared from the
Fairfield University campu~ two
nights ago. The police in this
small New England iown were
working closely with the University's
security forces. Spokesmen
for both groups sairl the
savage crime has them completely
baffled.
The weighty dormitory, titled
"Gonzaga' Hall," was fO"I'lerly
located adjacent to the single
road running through the ·',-.mpus'
landscape and nestled between
Canisius and Loyola
Halls. AD that remains now is
the smouldering loam under the
hot, dry Hemingway sun.
The county medical examiner
determined the "lifting job"
mllst have taken pla~e between
12:01 a.m. on April 28 and the
time of the reporting phone caH
to the station ho~'se today, The
examiner ba~ed h;s e,t;mates on
the condition of the ground
where the buildi!":!. formerly
stood ~nd the last three numbers
of the da'!'!' par'l-mutuel
take "t Aqueduct.
The police qL1e3tion~d several
Jesuit Fathers for any information
they, could oJ1.'er. Pollce_
Ch;ef William J. SuttO'l said the
(Cont. on Pa:-re 3, Col. I)
Local Woman Hears
'Wooshing' Sound
* *
ASPECI(
By RICHARD M. EXLEGIBUS
*
For a thing to be beautiful, it
must have harmony, clarity and
brilliance.
But a. meatball has harmony,
clarity, and b.rilliance (If you
don't stick your fork irl and
wreck the whole deal)
ERGO, a meatball is beautifuL
- Now what do -ay, logical posi-
Perhaps the most ardent cr.itiCiSPl
of scholastic philosophy has
come from those whose eharge
that said philosophical system
does not concern itself enough
with. real things. Well, fear not
moderate realists' (by the byaren't
you glad you're a moderate
realist? Don't you wish
everybody was?) - just as we
thought all hope was lost, along'
co~es this brilliant German ~ .
Prof~ssoi, Dr. Bruno Umlaut
with his answer to said critics.
Dr. Umlaut, renowned syllogism
maker from the White Forest
(home of renowned syJlogisin
makers), recently published an
essay entitled "Ontology and
Meatbal~' in the well-known
s c hoI a st i c magazine YES
THOMAS, THERE IS A
WORLD. Basing his theses on
many field trips and other
things (or "dings" as the old
boy would say), Dr. Umlaut has
come up with some really beautiful
syllogisms getting to the
heart of the subiect. Two follow:
Everything. that exists is gQod.
But meatbaJls exist.
ERGO, meatballs are good
(but you. have to add pepper)
Student fear is mounting, peopIe'
cannot eat. Students always
walk in· pairs. and many'-are
keeping their lights on all night.
Because of this situation studies
are slowly deteriorating, and a
solution must be found. A five
man committee is be~ng formed
to study various ways of locating
and liquidating this (or
these) terrors and another committee
is being formed to logically
prove ghosts do not exist.
One consoling thought-Campion
Hall is guaranteed ghost
proof.
Because of an increasing number
of complants about .ghosts,
the RAG has made a special
study of the situation at the
University. Every building was
thoroughly searched and numerous
students were queried concerning
the supposed apparitions.
There. was no 'conclusive
evidence; but many students are
sure that the school is haunted.
We have heard such comments
as: "There it was. poof! out of
nowhere!"
. tudent Fear Grows;
Ghosts Haunt Dorms
ONLY REMNANT of Dorm Robbery is this frustrated conrcetl1
jutting forward til nothing. Bonjour Tristesse!
A Day", and. "True Confessions
Of A Moderate Realist", All comrade Nights a1'e to
bring their weapons for inspecMany
students were so thrill- tion on next Tuesday evening. It
ed with Mr. Patton's choices that can be released to the common
they frequently correspond with ordinary public that the cam-
'paign in the West and South is
him, telling him how they en- going well. Our armored divi-joyed
their reading. Mr. Patton sions are racing towards the
was overwhelmed by student Capital at this moment.
response and has consented to (Cont. on Page '5. Col. 7)
make a return visit tomorrow. -------------~---------------
He will make plans for next
year's campaign and will encourage
students that missed this
year's drive to pacticipate next
fall.
An enthusiastic body of students
has organized a ticker
tape parade, starting from the
Fairfield Railroad station and
travelling up North Benson Rd.
The parade will end at the Univet'sity
pond where expected
spring rains will have r . "'1 the
water level to over si All
students are expecteL urn
out to honor a man that has
done so much for the school.
Bret Patton wilt visit the Fairfield
University campus tomorrow,
and talk with each student
individually. Mr. Patton was
here earlier this year and sold
many students informative and
entertaining magazineS'. Mr.
Patton realized later that many
students had mad e foolish
choices and decided to· send
them magazines that would be
more worthwhile~ Some of the
more interesting substitutions
include; "Farm Journal", "New
Frontiers", "How To Run An
Athletic Department", "How to
Eat In Your Room For A DoHaI'
FU Wil,. llonor Bret Patton.-; IA~'fns R"i.~ec1 As
· I ~ NIghts Race 0" Tlcker TapeParlltJ e ITomorrOlV lJiashington
GONZAGA ABDUCTED!
EXTRAI EXTRAI
Tea. Lady Titled
"Da.me" By Chef
'Wall to WaIr Irish Smas}led
Photo by Abe O'Malley
HOLY CROSS student, Roberto Giarletto, smirks (behind mustache)
at unshown cowering Irishmen in Worcester dorm. Giarletto's
comraae's arose, throwing off their Mick titles, when
TIME ignited "Red Shirt" spirit 011 the staid, hillside campus.
TIME Dispro'ven
CATS JOIN M.W..A. 3
FOR l,OYGON ACT
Apathy ClllhWallowing
The Apathy Club is just forming;
the first person to join gets
thrown out. Because any type of
organization would defeat the
main purpose of the club, there Grace Chatterly, the Univerwill
be no officers, no meetings, sity's renowed "Tea Lady," W<lS
given the title of "Dame" at
no dues, and no dances. The club ceremonies held in Loyola boiler
will unofficially sponsor spO!f- room yesterday afternoon. Chef
taneous card games, dates on Peter Scrumpcious, who. was
school nights, and general in- recently awarded the Peabody
difference. Award for imaginative scaveng-ing,
conferred the long-awaited
Every member will be expect-. honor on the breathless Miss
ed to avoid all extra work and Chatterly.
skip as much of what is required "And to think after all these
years of soggy teabags and
as possible. All members must brown water that I would be
do everything in their power to recognized for my work in proprevent
other students who viding refreshment for thirsty
might be interested in lectures, students" she said, swooning inclubs,
or organizing events that to the arms of a slightly soggy
might be both enjoyable and jello-maker.
profitable, from contributing to Immediately after the cere-the
school. mony, Lady Chatterly had an~
other of her famous tea-parties
around the urn, complete with
literary readings by the sophICont.
on Page 3. Col. 11
On Friarday, May 33, Melvin
VI(. Ashburton III will walk the
- wii'e "thai stretches between
Loyola and Gonzaga -halls. Mr.
Ashburton is a qualified wirewalker
who for the past several
years has worked with the
Bairmum and Bally circus feeding
the elephants, and doing odd
jobs. "They (the elephants) just
don't recognize talent anymore."
Mr. Ashburton said as he packed
hiS trunk. .
The act that this dare-devil
performs includes walking barefoot
on the wire while balancing
several tumblers of water, a
chair, and two medium sized
wildcats on his arms and shoulders.
"The trick." according to
Mr. Ashburton, "is to get the
eats to sit in the chair and drink
the water."
May 35,1962 THE RAG Page Three
NO, -NEW YORK STATE
OUR HERITAGE
,•
but Wa'S detoured by Mrs. Rinn
back into the kitchen.
Police said that a number of
suspicious characters had been
seen in the area prior to the
abduction. They were let free in
the hope that they would get
together at a conference at
which the police would raid to
give impetus to their drive for
higher salaries.
The investigation at the site
has not opened any new clues
about the whereabouts of Gonzaga
or the perpetrators. University
authorities say that if the
building is not returned, they
will replace it with, a hole.
"Thank God, we started Campion
on time," said one spokesman.
This reporter noted that
Campion doesn't have a' basement
and, thus, would be easier
to steal. ThIs stymied conversation
for the moment.
RESEARCH GRANT
GRANTED
We have received word that
Doc Friendly Ole Doc has been
awarded a research grant for
his studies on the disease commonly
k now n as "Trench
Mouth." Doc will be using the
Loyola cafeteria as a research
Lab. While, certain pieces of
silverware will be injected with
the germ, we have been advised
not to panic the student body.
The injectep. silverware will be
clearly marked with two purple
stripes. However, all other
funny little stains, spots and
corroded areas have nothing to
do with doc's research. Relax,
t1J.ey're only old egg stains.
Grant Makes
Loyola Caf.e
Research Lab
ABDUCTION
(Coni. from Page I, Col. 5) Key, Council Pact
Plans Book Raid!
CardifUllsHit 0 AS
Fathers didn't have many facts
to help the search. "It is amazing.
For two days' the building
The Student Council and the was gone and not one person Cardinal
Key Society signed a priest, security officer, studenthistory-
makin.g pact today under not·iced the building's disappearthe
scrawny oak adjacent to
Canisius Hall. The yellowed ance.'" This reporter shook his
parchment contains plans for the head. "I mean," the Chief conmidnight
ride against the cam- tinued "just how is that pospus
fortress, Bellarmineskeller, sible? A five-million-ton buildto
search out Faculty members' ing _ Poof!"
rooms for overdue Library
books. One prime suspect, Sophomore
"How can my constituents Robert John Montgomery HumstdUd
b
Y when
t
allhthe books. assihgn
t
- bug III, was thrown out of the
e y a eac er are m t a ' . .
teacher's room?", said J. F. X. polIce station., The desk Ser-
Wringingbottom, President of, geant said the Chief couldn't
the Chi Roe Alpha Pi fraternity. understand Humbug's vernacuThis
ever-occuring query has lar. "Just another literary-mindbeen.
sim~ly dismissed by assis~- ed Sophomore," a young man
ant hbrana~s.as one of the baSIC shouted beneath a dogwood tree
T~acher.PnvIle~es. ~esterday, a just outside the door.
selge raId - bhtzkneg style -
overran the barricade encircling Police investigation continues
the lone librarian on duty in ten undaunted as detectives fan out
seconds. Some resistance arose "posse-style" to question neighfrom
the librarian's violent de- boring residents and cheek their
- fensive rubber - stamping, mo- backyards. Lieutenant Thomas
mentarily turning the 'hordes' Tuesday, veteran of three wars
away. The front lines were slow- anp. nine structure - snatchings,
ed, too, since they had to show spoke with Mrs. Eliza Rinn of
their library cards before going Unquowa Road in Fairfield yesover
the wall. terday. "Mrs. Rinn said she
"This was only a practice heard a 'funny, wooshing sound'
exercise," Mack Ie Couteau, several nights ago at an unOperations
Chief, mentioned, specified time. Mrs. Rinn will
"the moment of glory is the big receive Fairfield Town's annual
house.'" Students asked for their Good Citizen Award at a banopinions
regarding the venture quet next Thursday night. The
said they felt the OAS was be- award will cite Mrs. Rinn for
hind the whole ,scheme. "They her cooperation in this case and
don't care about any books ex- last year's flying saucer hunt in
cept De Gaulle biographies,'~ which she was the only part~ciJohn
Smith '64 blurted out. He pant and the eventual winner.
was half-crying because some- Unofficially recognized are her
one had stolen page 654 of the sightings of green men on FriManhattan
phone directory. "1 day nights. Her husband, Frank
wanted it for a term paper Rinn of the same address, menbibliography,"
he concluded. tioned something about "bin~e,"
MEET HER AT THE BILTMORE! The Heart of New York! No need to go to far·
off. deep-jungled Africa to see this sleepy-eyed lovely. That "Say now, Son" smell
and greasy-kid-stuff hair-do is right in your backyard. Take her to the Lollipop
Louilge, meet her friend atop the Empire State Building. diGe at the Bronx Zool
)few YOI'~Au MWythiDgl Be a,N~ YOI'll ~eI
AFRICA
Jennings Beach, parking. So,
poets and other guys who write
verse, pack up your troubles in
an old leather receptacle and
move the corners of your mouth
upward in a simulation of a
smile. It goes on.
A Chevy convertible, green with
white walls. has been discovered in
the corner of the RAG office. Its owner
identified the vehicle yesterday
when he described the heap as a
"bomb." The auction will be held
next week.
THE WETROCKS
By RICHARD WINO
more class, a silent musical
selection by the junior class orchestra,
and a whole host of
apathetic students doing nothing.
Lady Chatter1y squealed with
delight as. Buffy MOTton, famous
in the dorms for his record of
not taking a shower, did imitations
of a whale in agony.
The surprise event of the
whole afternoon was Lady Chatterly's
elopement with the man
recently hired to take care of
the stag mascot, being bought
by the student council. His name
was Peter the Gamekeeper. A
good time was had by all.
The pieces of Ebbets Field have
been purchased by the University
and are being given to the Univer:
lily's 'young artists sO, that they
lllight construct. '.
they're resPonsible
TEE
(Cont. from Page L Col. 2)
The ,lucidity of viscous and
treacly philosophers, seeking
vain~y to fashion spurious ordination
of their mental gymnastics
is certainly not good for the
poets attempting to "poe" all
over the place. Even with their
deft metaphysical thumbs, their
restive frequency of refusing to
, platonically osc4late and assimilate
respective mental droppings,
and all that jazz, this fact
still remains: philosophy is an
apple pie and the poets should
be the cooks.
Many years ago, a philosopher
would be able to say, "1 am a'
me,atball". Today he is able to
say "1 am a meatball - but
with the tomato sauce of
power!" All over' the place,
struggling solecizing young poets
are assiduously grinding out
~-----I?aens and -odes to a thankless
won:d"who sit back on their respectable
haunches pertinaciously
cleaning their viscuous finger
bowls, all treacly with lobster
juice and pariah-bird bones.
But to be an authentic purveyor
of the fine art of metric tossage,
one must abstain from the
artless perambulating of the
social strata, known familiarly
as the members of homo sapiens.
a recent rescendant of monkey
irickiens. If social asceticism
does not enable the transcendance
of the fathomless aparthied
of intellectuals by the mob,
poets could always start their
own little magazine, )ike OLD
BORDERS, a wonderful little
assemblage of various and- sundry
obscurities.
Downright infelicity has always
killed the cats who wander
the streets of the Laredo of
the mind. There will always be
an England of apathy (the word
of the month at the RAG). You
can't have your cake of aestheticism
and make hay while the
moon lies in a languid pool of
night, killing the whole point of
I
May 34. 1962
Welcome Americans!!
THE RAG
MAY 33
...
Page Two
.~-------------------------------------------------------=-----
Editurials
Let Us Begin. • •
and when the immature (but happy)
dolts realize this, then once again it can
be dull and ordinary around here, and
everybody will be as clean-cut as me.
Name withheld. ill the Editor'.
interest, by lOme students.
With Vigah,
JFK
To the Editor:
I have been receiving the RAG regularly
the pahst few months and I believe
you are definitely moving fohwad.
You are following the example of
Hahvud leadership. We need more pe0ple
to move fohwad in this countr]l.
The government has been moving
fohwad toward a "new fronteah" and
I believe the RAG has been doing likewise.
I believe that you believe iu
moving fohwad. I am pleased to see
everyone working. There is no need for
unemployment. A college newspapaa
. cannot exist hahf slave and hahf free.
r believe the RAG is strong,. but' it
can be strongah. And r am glad, beli~v.e
me, to see you using a new kind- ·of.";'papah.
One cahnt toss out the plans of
niy hahd-working economists. Keep up
the good work - but remembah, little
brothah is watching.
FOR THOSE WHO DON'T
KNOW WHICH ROAD TO TAKE
MASONITE
PHOTO EDITOR
PETER GLOSS
MANAGING EDITOR
HALE McHEARTY
CIRCULATION
FORGE BELLOWS
SPORTS EDITOR
RODERICK LIONS
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
THOMAS MORE
LAYO'OT EDITOR
GENE MESSY
BUSINESS MANAGER
SOME JUNIOR
NEWS EDITOR
KENNETH McCLUNKEY
FEATURES EDITOR
RICHARD M. LITERARY
ADVERTISING MANAGER
JEFFREY ORGANIZATION
FACULTY MODERATOR
The Entire Dominican Order
From the O.A.S., Venezulean students
for Nixon, Watusi Bros., Ine., Young
/ Russians for Freedo~, Havana Junior
Chamber of Commerce, and the European
Gold Drain Committee
Published bi-weekly by Students of Fairfield University during the regular university
year, except during plagues.
STAFF
Assistan,ls to the Editor: The Mafia. Young Americans For Apathy,
Fairfield Stables and Bible Printing. Inc.
Assistant News Editors: The entire cast of "West Si~e Story"
Special News Editor: Gibert Calvin Luther Kennedy
LAYOUT: Minnesota Fats, Baltimore Thins, Bertha M. Cool, Cool M. Bertha, Gustavus
Adolphus and Lefty the Rightist.
NEWS: Edward R. Murrow, Curly Pursesnatcher, MICHAEL TERENCE SCHLEPP, G.B.S.,
S.B.G., B.SI" B.C., H.C., Lance Reventlow, Harry the Horse, Horse the Harry. E:
Bilka. J. Welch, Pia Nona, Limpy Stradletter, Uncle Wiggly, Uncle Tom, Say Uncle,
Whittaker Chambers, Gary Powers, One-eyed Bruno. Otto Bismarck, Yuri Gagarin,
and last and least, Big Saenau.
FEATURES: HarVey Glick, Weepy Filibuster, The Duke of Windsor, Perle Mesta, and
Maria Monk.
PHOTOGRAPHY: We'd hate to say.
CtRCULATlOIf: Liz Taylor. J. Glenn.
ADVERTlS..G: John Smith, John Smith, John Smith, .$e.
SPOB'I'8: Emile Gl'iftW1, GlIlI BLVODa. Dr. J:dward TeUer., "Bull" DeNIer, IlRd B,,1lDJ' Y.......
Letters to Editor I
A Suggestion From An
Experienced Student
To the Editor:
For seven and a half years now, I
have been somewhat of a student at
Fairview University and for these
years, r just sat around and watched
my fellow ~hldents. It got to be ·so interestil'"
.. ..l t 'hing and listening to
them, • __ led out of the school in
1955, t . were so interesting to
watch i 1 stayed on, living in a
broom closet in Xavier. What a bunch
of spoiled children-they are! They go
out with girls, smoke, dance, and drink,
and naughty language! Well, land sakes
alive, r have never 'heard such atrocities!
Such words as "darn" and "heck"
are never too far from the students'
lips. .
Granted that the major portion of
the student body sits around like r do
and don't attend ski-trips, dances and
the like; however, one trip through
oUr cafeteria will convince you that I
am right and that everybody else is
wrong. The students sometimes eat
with their hands (the reason why, perhaps,
is that they are afraid to use the
silverware). r think it is time that these
kids here realize that sweatsuits are
for sweating, razors are for razing,
knives are for knifing, spoons are for
spooning, and forks are for eating. If
P.Il. Members In Public
To the Editor:
In vigorous opposition to the views
expressed in the unusual letter section
in .the previous issue of the RAG, I
should like to defend the members of
the Public Affairs Club by stating that
they have been seen publicly at many
affairs this year.
Apathy Defended
The RAG editors wish to announce
that Spring Football tryouts will take
place tomorrow in the K of C office or
the Loyola Bell Tower. Coach Taylor
said only students with parking tickets
will be admitted to the slaughter.
Yours Truly
To the Editor:
I would like to know why you people
are against apathy. Our founding fathers
were famous for their apathy. From
t.he begining of our country our country
has been saved by the apathetic.
j. Blend
P.S. I bet you won't print this letter.
STAFF •
Motely Horserider
Going To Auditorium
Helps Equilibrium
ANSWER TO LACK OF ATT~ND·
ANCE AT BELLA~MINE LECTURES
When I read this here editorial on
student apathy it really disturbed me
because I know that I was at those
lectures when they were said and we
all got a hole lot of nowlege out of
them. And so I am writing you this
letter. What makes youse think that
there wasn't any guys there. The joint
was mobed and moreso I would like
to say that all them girls was nice too.
Bet you don't got the guts to print this,
chum.
To the Eiitor:
You~e g~ys is always compl'aining
about the state of affairs here at our
great s(:hoo1. What a bunch of ninnies
youse are, be~uz wid all yer reporters
etal, you rot no' brairis in ya whole
head! F'r instance, dere wuz many
misl')("~rl \'lC' :~s h the last issue which
you- ifs:.ei. And I oughtta know my
spelin:", heC:2.use I maiored in it in
U. M'asma. So whattaya say all youse
dopies pet on the 0' stick, hah? I payed
my d')' ~r in September, and dat gives
me th::: r~3th to say what kinds paper
youse should be printing, insteada the
lousy jur.:, yO'.lse are now engaged in
printi!"g. like this letter. f'r instance.
Wise up, ha"? .
ELVIS FINK,
boy. undergraduate
:?I:TER OLANDER, famous letter writer and theory entrepreneur,
digs into'his first meal allowed. by the University heirarehy
in weeks. You see, Peter wrote a little letter ~ the RAG about
the IDdex of Forbiclden Books - aDd 1- kaow bow the-7 leel
abcMK .... ** __.. .... '
lJ§ Guys?
FOOEY!
AHt~r~ve:r to a Letter to tbe Editor
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
A newspaper is one of the best
unifying agents in a University
and this is one of its unique qualities.
At the present time, the
STAG, the Fairfield University
newspaper, is nothing more than
a sophisticated Apostleship of,
Prayer leaflet with rosy-cheeked
cherubs for Editors. Finks! All
the little can do is cre-
.ate wars between the Cardinal
Key and the Student Council.
Actually, bhe school should abolish
the paper and combine the
CKS and the Council in one,
ever-active Apathy Club. Faoey
on the Sophomores! They can't
even get more than one guy to
run for President of their own
class.
I
May •• ltII
In an interview, three months
ago, University officials released
the statement that the University
will soon become co-educational.
The press release went on
to deny the rumor that boys and
girls will occupy alternating
floors in the dorms. By 2101, the
release stated, the old gym will
be converted into a general girls'
dorm, cafeteria and recreation
room.
Jl!IJI.IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII.IIII1.IIII1.IIIII.IIII1.llIIl.IIII1.IIIII• .llif
II - i
I•~I SCUTCH ;•§-
• brand = I TAPE I ~ .
• § i 1,000 Uses i' I including: II
§ •.
• Taping any kind §
§ I
• ot sign on any §§
§ •
• kind of road. =
II I
III Taping any kind IIII
§ of road on any •
1 kind of. }Vall. =
II - --I
•~ §. • Taping any kind § I of anyth.ing II § •
•§ on any k'Ind •§
; of anylhing. I
·§ •I ~ Taping any kind I
• of Editor to § I any kind of 1
I stake. I'
~ . §• §•
• Taping any kind -~ I of apathy I
II notice on any ;
• thing § II I § about anybody. •
•§ •§
1.1I111.11II1.III1I11H1ii.II!II.IIIII.I1I1I8iUII.HIII8Iiiilllll'
Any Kind. of Tape on Anv Road ..." . .'
II
This is a road. The reason for all the miserable holes in this road
is that some one has been taping signs here. In the future no
kind 'of signs will be taped, by any kind of person, on any kind
of road, for any kind of purpose, at any kind of time. FurthermOl'e,
any kind of person caught driving on any kind of wall•
ill any k~nd of building will be nailed by some kind 01 fanatic.
CAMPUS
DRIVE-IN
day" pool. Unfortunately everybody
guessed zero and everybody
won. The racketeers lost
heavily in this venture and hoped
to recoup their losses during
the basketbail season. However
the two sophs that agreed to
shave points, Arms Akimbo, and
"Crazy Legs" Snuff were cut
from the team and "The Boys"
went further into the hole. In
desperation they turned to bowling
expecting heavy betting on
the intramural contests. The
reported profits in this undertaking
were close to $6.38; but
after the initial cost of paying
off the players was deducted.
the net loss came to $493.62:
"The Boys" blamed theh· _poor
showing on student apathy.
Because of the success of this
recent attempt to corrupt the
young college student, the security
department is expanding its
control beyond the parking lot
and will now police every aspect
of student activity. The
estimated cost of this expansion
is $4 milllion.
The archeology department of
Fairfield University has made a
find on the University property.
The discovery is located on
North Benson Road just north
of the tennis court.s. Mr. D.
O'Dell head of the expedition
said many years ago a group of
buildings were located on the
site. They were he said "a form
of higher education for the caveage
society."
The find which, according~to
expe.rts, will revolutionize aU
~nder.standing of the Stone Age
III Farrfield deals with a sort of
trophy case.
These. trophies stem from a
A SCENE 'from the first and only legitimate bowling match of choral group which roamed the
the year. area approximately one thousand
years ago. The group started
as a small chorale and grew
with the years.
The group, in an ancient form
of wagon, toured the several
northeastern provinces. They
sang at various campfires in the
area. .
"The group wore" comn1ented
Dr. T. O'Keefe Wilson, ass·istant
to Mr. O'Dell, "midnight-blue
loin cloths with a red war paint
extending from the right shoulder
to left thigh."
Archeologists said after several
years two smaller groupS
aro~e in the larger group. The
first cjilled the' Barlows was a
four' man' group. Feeling a need
to express themselves wore
bright red loin cloths.
The second group specialized
in ritualistic numbers including
many gestures. They were often
accused of mocking their contempory
culture.
l\h. O'Dell and Dr. Wilson
slated that this discovery enco~
raged him to hope that his
plans to excavate the entire
university grounds. "At present,
we have started on the road
excavation. We hope to start on
- Loloya Parking lot, next."
money and hope that this' affair
will not injure my popularity."
Mr. Law, always timid to express
himself refused to comment.
However a RAG reporter
heard him mumble "sports are
sports."
The syndicate gained a foothold
in the University by estabIishing
a "guess how many people
will compliment the chef to~
I
For Philosophy Students • ••
STUDENT COUNCIL
HOURS
ERGO,
Bowlers Bribed!;!
Bet~ Buys Boys
May 33, 1962
Meeting was opened with a "HeW"
Absent - a few
Excused - anybody who asked
Late - the Secretary; the first ten minutes of these minutes
is pure hog-wash .
Minutes were accepted since they weren't read
€ommittee Reports:
Treasurer - (Note: the police discovered the TreasUl-er slipping
dimes in the money' slots of lhe Student Union
vending machines.)
Activity Committee - Mr.- Clean: we want to joi.n the Apathy
Club
Grievance Committee - Mr. X (unknown for obvious reasons)
we are currently complaining.
Athletic Committee - Presently choosing a chairman and
practicing kick-backs for the Motor Inn Game.
New Business:
Motion - Anonymous - The_ Council should re-organize lts
Constitution and by-laws to provide for the following: The Ultra-Fine Arts Society
1. an Executive Board to centralize Council aclivlties of Fairfield has made plans to
2. a Senate, composed of the leaders of all the Car'dinal turn Loyola parking lot into a
and Major activities, to coordinate - extra-curriculars drive-in Gre~k theatre. Mr. Wil-
3. a House, composed of the elected representatives from liam Dinini, chairman of the
all classes, to initiate student efforts and gather student arts forum of the UFAofFU, said
opinion in a central body. he felt the intellectual apathy
Seconded, discussed, Passed. of the University could be
Motion - Anonymous - The Election by-laws should be up- changed if the students were in
graded to provide for more logical, rational elections. touch with the Greek drama.
Besides the usual petition, each candidate must submit Mr. DiniI1i 'said a few minor
a statement of his past and present activities, including alterations would be needed to
scholastic average, for publication. The statement must transform the front of Loyola
also i~clude a definition of the individual's platform for into an exact replica of the an-the
future. cient theatre at Delphi..
Seconded, Discussed, B"nanimously passed. The first play to be presented
Swift Spelling (Secretary) in the new theatre will be an
(RAG .Editors just couldn't waste this opportunity. to suggest original musical comedy based
some ideas to the Student Council. Our representatives wouldn't on the Second World War_ This
bring these up at a meeting, so ...) play was written by a 'local art
----------------~ I- student.
The cast includes Mr. Dinini
as a ".poor but honest American
G.!. who gives his life to save
the southwest of Greece."
Mr. Dinini also noted there
would be a secoiJ.d act dance
number and a giant finale fireworks
display in the true spirit
of the Greek stage.
There will be individual speakers
for each car and heaters for
chilly nights.
A second play, now in the
writing, will be an epic concerning
the New Haven Railroad,
said Mr. Dinini.
Three Sophomores aftd two
Juniors have been indicted by
F.U.'s security officer for acoepting
bribes to "shave pins"
ill intramural bowiing matches.
lIihese students will receive drastic
punishment; they are given
the choice of withdrawal or
promising to reveal the outcome
of next year's matches to the
faculty in time for them to place
their bets.
Because of the isolation of the
class of '63, the RAG has been
unable to obtain the names of the
guilty parties in this class. The I
three sophs are, Nattie Bumpo,
a physics major specializing in
optics; Willie Loman, a salesmanship
major; and.Richard M.
Law, a less literary member of
the sophmore class. Nattie has
been a member of the last ten
sophmore classes and is responsible
for the continued influence
of the New York "Mob". When
his girlfriend, George, heard
about the incident she stoically
said "I hope the judge will allow
Nattie to complete his education
before he serves his time."
Mr. Loman explained that he
always wanted to be well liked.
He stated "I really needed the
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