CENSORED VERSION 9\>'CI 3Hl May II, 1966
Two
T~ownie 0~
The W·ejek
This week's townie, Mr I. M.
Stoned, noted for his role as
Prince Valient in his grammar
school play, was catapulted to
fame when he was caught
smashing car windows in Regis
parking lot. He is also noted
for snapping car atennas.
His face (when it could be
identified through his Tarzan
hairdo) was often seen at
mixers with his ten year old
sister throughout the year His
public career began four years
ago when he woke up a Bruns
cop on night duty and was escourted
off campus.
Mr Stoned had this to say to
our reporter- "I am the most
greatest townie you ever done
chosed. I promise more rumbles
behind the Duchess for all my
pals."
Townie I. l\1. Stoned shown
holding a piece of a broken
car antenna.
STORY ABOUT DIRTY
PICTURE ON PAGE ONE
The inflated editorial staff or ty suit the mandatory garb was
that editorial newspaper When·
ever Possible had recently drained
the Quadrangle Marsh in
order to burn the newly required
Campus Center togs.
The suave outfit was desinged
by the Reverend G. A. Garibaldi
in league with the Tappa Kegga
Beah, Fraternity in order to
complete the air of frivolity
which is manifested in the architecture
of the still incomplete
Campus Center
The bill to make the Fraterni-
Proposed dress regulations
for Student Center.
introduced in the legislature of i
the Student Government by
by several TKB plants. The
proposal shocked the would be
(if they weren't sleeping) sena·
tors almost as much as the
recent appearance of t he Student
Government President, and
the legislators entered into a
violent hour-long controversy
concerning a -change in color
of the ties from green to r ed
and the posibility of sandals
instead of buckle shoes. The bill
was passed with the other gas
and was brought to Father MeIn-
less-and-less and the other
administrators for their assen t.
The administration unanimously
approved the proposal, Father
Coughdrop making no comment.
Father Breshnev, self-appointed
spokesman for the faculty
commented in an open letter to
Professor Walter Peachtree
that he considered it "a cosmic
victory" for the University A
humble little priest, whose
name we did not catch said,
"That's fine, mister "
This being all too much for
the 48 editors of Whenever Pos·
sible, the sophomore sages intellectually
gathered in front of
Regis Hall to display (among
other things) their disatisfaction.
THE RA G May II, 1966
''The Pill And /"
An eminent panel of experts met recently by the quiet water of
Lake Bellarmine to discuss the pros and cons of dispensing the "Pill"
thro ugh college infirmaries.
While several of the experts felt that this was a legitimate function
of the College Infirmary, some others found this hard to swallow
They agreed to distribute themselves throughout the nation's campuses
in order to initiate local units of agitation.
The panel dispersed to t he strains of "Hello Young Lovers."
Newly elected Priest and
Priestess (who refuse to reveal
their identity) announced services
will be celebrlltPrl in the
rea,· or the Cnapc' ;,"ng the
celebran ts closer to the exits
so as not to be stuck at the
rear of the lunch line.
In keeping with the spirit of
Ecumenism it was announced
that Kazoos and Jews' harp:;
will be the official musical instruments
for next year's fes- attempt to foster Ecumenism,
tivities. In addi tion it has been
decided that the confessionals the Priest decided to limit at-will
be equiped with calcula- tendance to while Anglo-Saxtors
for ease in totaling num- on Protestants from Bethle-hem
ber of offenses. Again, in an Conn. (Irish need not apply )!
The New Campus Center designed by Zsabo to provide more space for student
aetivities.
May II, 1966
F r. Garibaldi announced yest erday that a group of students
select ed on the basis of drawings from his fish tank will be
quanmtined next y.ear on t he gromtd floor of Regis. The
rooms, designed to provide an atmosphere for quiet contemi>
lation, will be furnished with a:n "original" by Nickerson
and a pussy cat for eampanionshil>-
Keeping Up With
Your Faculty
Fr 0. E. Nickerbacher,
Chairman of the University's
Social committee, has been arrested
for stealing holders from
the Campus Center to place in
his room.
According to Herman Klump!,
the campus cop who was
awakened to make the official
arrest, Fr Nickerbacher was
s p o t t e d approximately two
o'clock Monday morning skipping
between Regis and the
new building.
Said Detective Klump! "I
was trying to get some sleep
the other night after a hard
day of keeping cars off the grass
when all of a sudden this kid
phoned and said he couldn't
get to sleep because of the
moon's reflection off some glistening
object that seemed to
light up the entire campus.
Censored
Hisf·ory Sf,aff
Expa.nded
Despite all rumors to the con ·
trary, history and govern·
ment majors will be able to
study Afro-Asian history next
year, Fr. Coughdrop announced
yesterday. Two a ut}\
orities on t he subject (pic·
tured above) have a lready
been hired by the univer sity.
Censored
When Detective Klump! suggested
he get some slee{il, Fr
Nickerbocker suddenly became
violent, insisting he s till had
to paint the bulls on. After a
brief struggle the clergyman
was disarmed of his "4000 Aqua
Special" machinegun. As he
was being led away he could be
heard babbling the words "Yes,
indeed," over and over to a
melody from "The Mikado"
The priest also a corridor
prefect who is affectionately
known as Fr Balderthansome,
will be tried before the Student
Court at a date soon to be set
by the Dean's office. A possible
sentence of "no more than 400
push-ups, and no less than 10
cold showers" can be leveled
upon the clergyman.
This space is reserved for clubs
who complain about not
covered in the STAG.
OFFICE F OR RENT:
CONTACT NEW FRONTIERS
THE RAG
of!etter
Dear Friends
We have the distinguished
honor of being members of a
committee to raise five million J
dollars to be used for placing
a statue of LBJ in the student
union.
The committee was in a quandary
about selecting the proper
location for the statue. It was
not thought wise to place it beside
that of George Washington
who never told a lie; nor beside
that of FDR who never told the
truth, since LBJ could never
tell the differ ence.
After careful consideration,
we thought t he statue should
be placed next to Christopher
Columbus, the greatest New
Dealer of them all. He started
out not knowing where he was
going, upon arriving did not
know where he was , and on returning
did not know where he
had been, and he did it all on
borrowed money
Censored
Censored
Three
If you are one of those Privileged
students who have money
left over from room deposit, we
expect a generous contribution.
The Committee
'l'he recent Computer Dance proved to be a success for t hose
whose dates were of the opposite sex. A few mismatches
occurred according to Mr. Von R.ibentoff whose date (Miss
Kinklestein) agreed with his statement. Some barriers were
broken, however, as witnessed by the e nsuing angagement
amtouncempnt bPhveen CENSORED and CENSORED.
Seniors Begin
For Gradua·tion
Practice
Exercis·es
Seniors, about c Eto graNduate, IsSomethin g 0(would you Rbelieve tainly Efind amp leD opportun ity mg spent 4 years wa1tmg for , prospective graduates will cer- iversities."
Four THE RAG May II, 1966
12 Attend Faculty Outing
Led by Fr. Me lnless & less, who commented
"we 'Will be innovators, not imitators," three
other administrators and eight faculty mem-bers
participated in the first annual spring
outing initiated by Father Qurk to draw
LSD Seminar Offered public attention to University. Chicago Philosopher Enlivens
Staft.
