Stag - Vol. 20, No. 19 - March 20, 1969

              Vol. 20 No. 19 ~airiie!d University, Fairfield. Connecticur March 20, 1969
Stag Editorial Board Replaced
In a startling move, the ad­ministration
of Fairfield Uni­versity
last week took the un­expected
step of replacing the
recently elected editorial board
of The Stag. The unusual ac­tion
was announced by way of
a unprecedented and unsigned
comprehensive statement which
was released by the adminis­tration.
The statement began as fol­lows:
"This is how the matter
stands. We have been appoint­ed
judges _in this penal colony.
For we were the Command­ant's
assistants in all penal
matters and know more about
the apparatus than anyone.
Our guiding principle is this:
Guilt is never to be doubted.
Other courts cannot follow this
principle, for they consist of
several opinions and have high­er
courts to scrutinize them.
That is not the case here.
Forgive us if ·our explana­tion
seems rather incoherent.
We do beg your pardon. You
see, the Comandant always
used to do the explaining; but
the new Commandant shirked
this duty."
The administration state­ment
then addressed the old
board directly. It tacitly ac­knowledged
that the switching
of editorial boards was techni­cally
illegal under the Stag
Constitution, but gave the com­pelling
reason of student har­mony
as justification for the
turn of events, stating: "We
alone shall feed them in your
name, and declare falsely that
it is in your name. In the end
they will lay their freedom at
our feet and say to us, "Make
us your slaves, but feed us!
They will be convinced too, that
they can never be free, for
they are weak, sinful, worth­less,
and rebellious. We will
cleceive them, and we shall not
let you speak to them again."
A lengthy indictment of of­ficial
malfeasance against the
old board was then enumera­ted
in the statement. First to
be categorized was what was
deemed to be a warped and
vindictive attitude toward the
capabilities of the student body.
As related in the statement,
"Do you care only for the tens
of thousands of the great and
strong dear to you while the
millions·, numerous as the sands
m the sea, who are weak but
read you, must exist only for
the sake of the great and
strong?"
The Administration felt it
could correct this deficiency by
intervening "for the weak are
dear to us. too. They are sinful
and rebellious, but in the end
they too will become obedient.
They will marvel at us and
look upon us as gods."
Second, according to the
statement the Stag advocated
what was felt to be extremely
harsh and punitive theories on
the concept of student power.
"We tell you that they are
tormented by no greater an­xiety
than to find someone to
whom they can hand over
quickly that gift of freedom
with which the unhappy crea­tures
are on. But only he who
Officer Richard V. Oble
can appease their conscience
can take over their freedom.
Instead of taking their free­dom
from them, you made it
greater than ever. In place of
the rigid ancient law, students
were hereafter to decide for
themselves with free heart
what is good and what is evil,
having only your paper before
them as their guide. And so
unrest, confusion and unhappi­ness
- that is their present
lot after you bore so much for
their freedom!"
Third, the old board was
scored for its condescending at­titude
to the student body in
general. As the statement went
'!)n to read, "You judged them
too highly, for they are slave~,
of course, though rebellious by
nature. Look round and judge.
look upon them. Who you have
raised up to yourself? They are
weaker and baser by nature
than you believed them to be.
By showing them so much re­spect,
you acted as though you
had ceased to have compas-sion
for them, because you
asked too much from them.
Had you respected them less,
you would have asked less of
them. That would have been
more like love, for their bur­den
would have been lighter."
The upshot of the old board's
critical view of events was, as
seen in the statement, the cue
for conspiratorial elements on
campus step up their activity.
As explained in print, "They
are weak and vile, even though
they are everywhere now re­belling
against our power and
proud of their rebellion. It is
the pride of a child and a
schoolboy. They are little child­ren
rioting and chasing away
the teacher at school. But their
childish delight will end; it will
cost them dear. They will s
at last, the foolish, children,
that, though they are rebels,
· they are impotent rebels, un­able
to keep up their own re­bellion."
·
And so the administration in­terpreted
its duty, by interven­ing,
"to teach them that it is
not the free judgement of their
hearts that matters, but a
mystery which they must fol­low
blindly even against their
consciences. That is what we
have done."
The statement went on to pro­ject
what repercussions, if any,
last week's events might have
on the University's future.
"We took Fairfield from the
state of Connecticut and pro­claimed
ourselves rulers on the
hill, the sole rulers, though till
now we have not been able to
complete our work. But whose
fault is that? Oh, the work is
only beginning, but it has
begun. It will long await com­pletion
and the students have
much to suffer yet, but we will
triumph and will be Caesars,
and then we will plan their
universal happiness."
The statement speculated
that a dampening of the fires
of campus militancy would be
an early symptom in this trend
"Some of them, the fierce and
rebellious, will destroy them-
Continued on Page 8
Security Officer Promises
'New l(ind Of Discipline'
Expressing his extreme con­cern
over the recent increase
in vandalism and theft in the
parking lots and dormitories and
the prospect of a rising crime
rate on campus, Mr. Arno Zeyn,
Director of Operations, held a
press conference last week to
announce the appointment of a
new security chief for the Uni­versity.
The eventual choice of an ex­haustive
talent hunt which re­jected
the impressive creden­tials
of several giants in the
law enforcement industry such
as former Sheriff James Clark
of Selma, Ala. and William T.
"Bull" Connor of Birminghham,
Ala., was Officer Richard J.
Obie, currently serving as Chief
of Police in Stockbridge, Massa­chusetts,
where he has earned
national attention for his pains­taking
crusade a~ainst litter­bugging.
For Officer Obie, assuming
the mantle of Fairfield security
will be the supreme accomplish­ment
of a career spent in a
never-ending struggle for truth,
justice, and the American way
which has seen him serve with
unquestionable . distinction on
some of this nation's finest po­lice
department, among them
Oakland, Calif., Dallas, Tex.,
Memphis, Tenn., Chicago, Ill.,
New Haven, Conn., and Tarry­town,
N.Y.
In addition, he served last
year as special combat consult­ant
to the New York and Boston
police in their respective
"search-and-destroy" operations
at Columbia University and Bos­ton
Common, in which capacity
he perfected his revolutionary
new improvement in crowd con­trol,
known as the "antiphilis­tine
phalanx."
Officer Obie humbly thanked
the University for giving him
the chance "to show how a
modern, progressive university
like Fairfield keeps orc;ler in its
own house." He immediately
announced plans to formulate
"a new kind of discipline at
Fairfield-mobile, contemporary,
and dedicated to the rational
proposition that trouble can be
stopped before it starts." To this
end, he revealed advance plans
to construct a "thin antiriffraff
system" over the summer to
"seal off the campus from poten­tial
trouble, or for that matter,
potential troublemakers, such
as you find at so-called 'liberal'
schools." The system would in­clude
a barbed wire fence bound
on the north by Mill Plain Road,
on the west by Round Hill Road,
on the east by North · Benson
Road, and on the south by Long
Island Sound, through which
would run a current described
by Officer Obie as "semi-lethal."
This system will be augment-ed
by a network of aluminum
watchtowers which will be con­structed
overlooking Alumni
Field, McAuliffe Hall, Bellar­mine
Pond, and the Japanese
Gardens and will come equipped
with roving Eveready search­lights.
In addition, Officer Obie
tentatively plans to convert the
Quadrangle into a "no man's
land" to felicitate identification
of "aberrant behavior."
New installations will include
a Claymore mine field at ground
level, an intricate series of tun­nels
underground "to speed up
movement of security forces"
and for other unspecified con­tingencies,
and a number of
Verdun-style trenches and bom­bardment
bunkers surrounding
what is now known as Campion
Hall, which will serve as bil­leting
next year for Officer
Obie's Counterguerilla Insur­gency
shock troops.
Officer Obie confirmed that
the system would cost little,
since the University would be
using props from The Great
Escape. "Not only will it elimin­ate
the threat of outside aggres­sion,
it will assure internal or­der
during Reading Week,''
commented the new chief.
Most of the moderate increase
in the security budget - put at
"several million dollars" by Of­ficer
Obie, will come from the
(Continued on Page 8)
March 20, 1969
Campus News
ly East Germany, Poland, Bul­garia,
Hungary, and Czechoslo­vakia
for only $125. All along
the tour there will be scenic
stops where friendly "peoples'
agents" will offer you chloro­form,
atomic secrets, etc. as · a
preliminary ticket to Siberia.
There is one condition. You will
never be seen or heard from
again. If interested, contact
modern, inexpensive, natural
m ~ thcd of removing future haz­ards
to our driving and walking.
The new apparatus is called
"July."
the Fairfield student with some
idea of what made the mission­aries
great and the cannibals
hungry."
• • •
Fr.- William Mcinnes an­nounced
last week his supPort
of the unlimited use of grass on
campus: "When we go coeduca­tional,
young couples may feel
the need to stroll around. We
want them to feel free to use
our numerous expanses .of
sheer lawn. Some college presi­dents
are fearful of the spread­ing
use of grass on campus,
but I say, 'Our grass is your
grass'."
• • •
JUDO-KARATE
The Jud~Karate Club will
hold its annual "Throw-'Em-t~
the-Lions" night next Monday,
March 24 in the gym. John
Gagnon will wrestle in a no­holds-
barred duel to the death
with Wally Cox, Woody Allen,
and Sabu the Elephant Boy in
that order. A splendid time is
guaranteed for all. Price of ad­mission
is fifty cents plus your
dignity.
* * •
DRAMA PRESENTATION
Mr. Robert Emerich has an­nounced
his spring presentation.
The production will be "Kelly,"
which will be seen at the Play­house
April ·24-26, May 1-3, 8-10.
Asked for details about the play,
which lost $250,000 in a one­night
run in November, 1964,
Mr . Emerich would only reveal
that "obviously, this is my most
ambitious enterprise yet," and
that Christopher Scanlon will
play the role of David Susskind.
• * *
FILM SOCIETY
The Film Society has an­nounced
two worthwhile and
noble experiments. The first is
the Fi~t Annual Schaefer
Award Theatre, to be held Sun­day
night, April 20. Beer will
be permitted in Gonzaga Audi­torium
by papal dispensation so
that, in .Pres. William Boro­wicz'
words, "We can pack the
Stags in and make some money,
why else?" For the occasion,
Mr. Borowicz has scheduled the
award-winning drama Squad
Ca.·, starring the much-lauded
George Raft. Monday, April 29
through Wednesday, May 1, the
Society will present the Annette
Funicello Film Festival, featur­ing
"Bikini Beach Party," Beach
Blanket Bingo," and her latest
"Surf, Suds, Sand, and Sin."
Prior to Monday night's per­formance,
Dr. James Farnum
and Fr. Charles Curran will
moderate a panel discussion on
"The Aesthetic Oneness of the
Annette Films."
* * *
SPRING DINGALING
The Cardinal Lock Society
will sponsor "Spring Dingaling,"
allegedly a mixer, this Friday
evening in the Oak Room. Two
girls' schools have been invited:
Warde and Ludlowe. Both have
declined. Music will be by the
Fairfield University Glee Club.
That is why Warde and Lud­lowe
declined.
As a matter of fact, all stu­dents
with queasy stomachs and
an ear for . music are urged to
THE ILUE IIRD SHOP
IJIO POST lOAD
FAilFIELD, CONNECTICUT
Soci•l St•tionery and Entr .. illt
Greeting Cards for
All Occasions
avoid the general area all week­end.
• * *
PARENTS WEEKEND
The third annual Parents'
Weekend will be held April 26-
27. Festivities will begin at 10
a .m. with registration and cof­fee,
where various members of
the administration will com­mence
henpecking all available
parents into contributing to the
Capital Campaign. This they
will not cease to do till Sunday
evening. At noon, there will be
a reception with members of the
faculty, where over cyanide
sandwiches it shall be explain­ed
to the parents why, under
Fairfield's peculiar marking sys­tem,
their sons must go to
school this July and Fort Dix
this September. In the after­noon,
the wives will be diverted
for an afternoon of titillating
chitchat and catty innuendo
while the husbands and sons
will attend the execution of
some dumb freshmen whose
parents did not contribute to
the Capital Campaign in the
morning. All will be reunited
for an especially bloodthirsty
rugby game at which Dr. Pep­per
will be erved in deference
to the legendary memory of the
now-departed William Leary
and Peter Madonia. A panel
discussion will follow, "What's
on Your Medulla?", where dis­cussion
wlll be limited to Fas­cist
parents, dull, bookish stu­dents,
and totally irrelevant
questions from the floor. Supper
will consist of a still-breathing
chicken, after which a drinking
dance will be held in the Oak
Room where the husbands will
undoubtedly get so stinko their
sons will have to carry them
out about 10:30. Sunday will
consist of a few elementary
t'USes to trick your mother into
givjng up her mink stole to the
Capital Drive, and to give your
father a chance to apologize to
everyone.
• • •
FOREIGN TOUR
A special tour is being offered
to Fairfield students this sum­mer
whereby they can see love-
* • *
NEW FRATERNITY
A new fraternity, Ai Willah
Noyu, will hold its first initia­tion
this Friday evening at 8:30.
All interested students are wel­comed
and will become full­fledg~
d members immediately
upon passing the initiation,
which will consist of walking
blindfolded across a mine field.
* • *
CHICKEN FARM
The University has announc­ed
it is entertaining bids from
Westport-Weston, Inc. to sell
Fairfield and convert it into a
chicken farm in time for the
1969-70 academic slaughter. Ac­CJrdingly,
the organizational
meeting of Chickens for a Demo­era
tic Coop will be held this
even;ng wherever possible.
B.Y.O.L.S.D. ·• . .
DOIOGWOOD WEEKEND
Dogwood Weekend will be
held May 2-3. Friday night will
feature a formal affair, where
you and your date can have the
privilege of sitting like stuffed
mannequins, dancing like Vic­torian
prudes, and drinking like
fiends. Saturday there will be
a beer picnic on Deadwood Is­land,
and Saturday night there
will be a boat ride, which will
undoubtedly trigger the Second
Flood just like last year, and
where you can get your date
loaded and pester her all night
with your odious, vulgar at­tentions.
Sunday there will be
a concert by either the Doors
or Guy Lombardo, whoever the
Dogwood Committee has heard
of. . . ·•
MAINTENANCE DEPT.
The Maintenance Department,
smitten by recent criticism
which inferred that its speed in
removing the recent snow and
ice on campus was something
less than exemplary, has coun-tered
by unveiling an ultra-
.. ·- --- ·--- --·'-.'. .~~- ·------
* • •
FOOD SERVICE
S p e c i a 1 i z e d Management
wishes to announce that the
company which brought you un­limited
seconds, an orange juice
machine, and a pizza concession
now has a totally new innova­tion
in store for the student
body. Beginning next Monday,
human flesh will be on the
menu for all three meals. Eggs
and sausage will be phased out
in favor of the more easily pre­parable
combination of eyes
and fingers, pancreii will be
served in place of oatmeal. Hot
lunches of freshly-cut arms and
legs will be offered at noon­time,
with toasted fingernails
supplanting the cafeteria's con­troversial
French fries, anrl
pinkie-laden Goober Peas avail­able
as a side dish. Dinner will
feature chunks of raw meat and
missionary pie. The innovation,
known as the "Spirit of Stanlin­grad,"
is a~ed at ~ 'infecting
WVOF
Radio station WVOF an­nounces
that tonight on "Topic:
Fairfield," Douglas Menagh will
interview the cast of the "Any­thing
Goes" show. This is be­lieved
to be the first time that
the people responsible for "Any­thing
Goes" will have had the
honor of saying something lucid
on the air. . ·• ·•
HELP WANTED
Dear Students: I'm in trouble.
I've lost my job as Editor-in­Chief
of The Stag, I'm a marked
man, and the narcotics agents
are hot on my tail because I've
stored huge quantities of hallu­cinogenic
drugs in my room.· I
need someone to take them off
my hands before I get busted.
So if you're interested in buying
some really great stuff, see me,
Pat Long, or come to my room,
Regis 118. Don't worry about
anything, all transactions will
be top secret. After all, who
ever reads Campus News?
Your Psychology
professor lives
with his mother?
Think it ovet; over coffee.
The Think Drink.
roryour own Think Drink Mug, send 75C and your name and address to:
Think Drink Mug, Dept. N, P.O. Box 559, New York, N.Y. l0046. The International Coffee
I or.1 opposed to tho Vi e t N0111 Uar (and any such -vro.r that is not
based upon defense of our country)o Please send me application to
tho Hinistry of your church.1 us w-ell as inforlilation as to its beliefs
and membership throughout tho world~
It is my unders tanding tho.t if I ron accepted to tho ministry of
your church, I can not consci entiously participate in any :rn..ili tary
involvement not directly concerned with tho defense of our country
or its possossionsc I furthe :::-- undorstnnd that training \vill not
interfc~t'e ·ui th my normal wo!'k or aco.dcmic schodulo, -and I can
choose my 01.·rn locq.tion of service. to God and hup1anityo
Enc J o ~. ed is $ '1 .:.CO t o ~over clerical expenses and cost of
maili ng.,
i
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• . ~ , .. ~ • . . , ~ . ., • • • • . • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • I
CITY 0 ~ • : ~ • o ' • ~ •· • • • • • .- • • • o o • • • • • c • ; .:> S T .[\.TE :• o • • • c • • ~ • a o • t. ZIP o o • • • • o , c o o ~
• to: ,, r • • • • • a ' • • •
Hail cn-Gi ro ad to: Chl .. ::--ch of t.ho HumWll tnric..n God; P "0. Box. "i 3236; 1
Stu Pc to~ sburg, Florida 33733 a
----------~---- --- ·------·-----·------------------
March 20 •. . 1969
Bellarmine Series Features 'Cultural Celebrities'
The Bellarmine Series an­nounced
last week the upcom­ing
appearances of three well­k
n own cultural celebrities
whose esthetic contributions to
American intellectuality and
wisdom over the course of re­cent
years are staggering. As
Mr. Thomas Donohue, Vice
President of University Rela­tions,
explained at a news. con­ference,
"Most colleges would
give their right arm to get even
one of these men. But we shall
have the unique privilege of
listening to the sage words of
ail three. Make no mistake
about it, I consider this nothing
short of a major coup in the
struggle of this imiversity to
get 'on the map', s.o to speak.
A.t last, anyone can see fair·
field is big-time."
Dr. Acamem.non Suture
The first of the gaudy trio
to appear will be Dr. Agamem­non
Suture, who will appear in
the Oak Room on Monday
night, April 14. Dr. Suture is
by now famous the world over
for his daring experiment last
year, when live on Huntley­Brinkley,
he performed ex­ploratory
brain surgery with
contaminated chopsticks on an
anonymous board member of
Grove Press. His current base
is Wisconsin's highly-respected
incubator. of tnnovator-s in
American medicine, the South
Hashish Institute of Technolo­gy,
where he is in charge of
the Graduate School for Ama­teur
Heart Transplanters. He is
also author of informative and
lucid bestsellers explaining the
complicated world of the con­temporary
physician to the
a~erage uneducated layman.
Among these are BUSTED
HEADS OR BLOWN MINDS:
DOES IT MAKE ANY DIF­FERENCE?,
an analysis of the
problems of staying alive and/
or healthy in hippie communes,
done at the request of his good
friend, Governor Ronald Rea­gan;
THE TROJAN HORSE
OF RACIAL INTERMAR­RIAGE:
PROSPECTIVE
MONGRELIZATION OF THE
NORDIC RACE, which views
Toynbee's theories on racial
harmony through the eyes of
middle-class America; BAT­MAN
AND ROBIN: THE MO·
DERN EXISTENTIAL FUL­FILLMENT
OF THE HOMO­SEXUAL
TRADITION IN
CLASSIC GREEK TRAGEDY,
a polemical defense of the tele­vision
industry against reckless
and unfounded charges of ex­cessive
violence; and a volume
of witty aphorisms and handy
advice intended for the exclu­sive
use of practicing physi­cians,
entitled · ALWAY S
CHARGE A PUERTO RICAN
$75 FOR A FLU SHOT.
The Stag conducted an inter-
Preparations
For Fairfield
Begin
Coeds
Although the first Fairfield
coed will not arrive on campus
for another year and a half,
the administration is feverish­ly
working around-the-clock to
ensure that all preparation will
be completed.
Mr. Thomas Donahue, Vice­President
of University Rela­tions,
recently announced the
building of a women's dorm on
the far side of Bellarmine
Pond, to be completed by
September, 1970.
"Some of the older Jesuits
wanted us to put the girl's
dorm right next to Regis," the
graying executive noted, "but
we quickly rejected that ridicu­lous
notion."
In a separate announcement,
Rev. James Coughlin, S.J.,
Academic Vice-President stated
that beginning in 1970, all boy's
classes will be held in Xavier,
while the girl's courses will be
held in Canisius.
"We had originally thought
·of having coed classes with
girls on one side and boys on
the other, but we were afraid
things might get out of hand,"
the Academic dean observed.
The always-thorny question
of dress regulation has already
been ironed out for Fairfield
coeds. All girls coming from
Catholic high schools will be
permitted to continue wearing
t h e i r ever-fashionable uni­forms,
while public school girls
will be fitted with brand new
Fairfield University uniforms.
Specialized Management, Inc.
has on order a 20 foot tall
wooden screen to partition the
cafeteria into two sections and
has provided for the construe-·
tion of separate entrances and
exits for the two sexes.
Commenting on these ar­rangements,
Mr. Robert K.
Griffin, Dean of Student Ser­vices
observed, "We had the
continuance of the boy's eating
habits uppermost in our mind."
Mr. Griffin also noted tha_t
the curfew hours for coeds had
been set at 9:00 Sunday-Thurs­day,
10:00 on Friday and 11:00
on Saturdays. "We hope that
the girls will be able to accept
the liberality of these hours
and realize the subsequent re­sponsibilities
that go with
them,'' he stated.
Finally, the Dean of Student
Services said that rules con­cerning
daily mass, retreats and
lights out would be outlined in
an edict set for release in two
weeks.
Erie Mouth (at right) in the course of dialectic.
view via long-distance phone
with Dr. Suture, and learned
that his talk will be entitled
"Plucking Vital Organs Can
Be Fun". It obtained these
qu0tes from the advance text
of his speech:
"The heart is such a wonder­ful
little machine. I never cease
to marvel at its intricacy.
Why, I don't know a tenth of
what's going on in there, with
all those tubes and valves . . .
There's been a lot of loose talk
going around lately about doc­tors
removing organs from pa­t
ients who could be saved.
Nothing could be further from
the truth. If you tell one of
those jokers you're thinking of
taking his heart, and he doesn't
say anything, you know he's
had it . . . Clinical deat)t isn't
half as difficult to ttetermine
as you people make it out to
be. You find some clown with
his Pyes closed and his hands
folded on his chest, and you
know he's cashed in. Some­times
you get a few gurgles and
somt} last words, but the eyes
are the tip-off." Dr. Suture's
lecture will be followed with
questions, after which he will
experiment on anyone whose
questions he cannot answer.
The puropse of this is to show,
in Suture's words, "The officer
in Kafka's Penal 09lony was
really on top of things."
Next to appear will be Eric
Mouth. the well-known "street
philosopher" who declined a
teaching offer in Tunaflsh,
Alabama with the Boll Weevil
Institute of Political Theory
for his own more stimulating
life style, shining shoes on
Fordham Road and writing
works of sociological philoso­phy
in his spare time, which
Mouth himself limits to "the
commercials on The Match
Game". After the overnight
success of his first three ma­jor
efforts, THE JEWISH­COMMUNIST
CONSPffiACY:
CHIGGERS ON THE THIGH
OF THE CONSTITUTION,
OUR IMMIGRATION LAWS:
ANTS AT THE PICNIC OF
WESTERN CIVILIZATION,
and LONG-HAIRED CREEPS:
TERMITES IN THE BASE­BOARDS
OF DEMOCRACY,
Mouth was interviewed by
LIFE Magazine, for whom he
revealed these deep insi~ht~
into the Dostoievskian com­plexity
of modern life:
"Writing philosophy's a pretty
good racket to have on the side
'cause shinin's seasonal, if ya
know what I mean. Ya can't
shine a rubber boot, ya know­haw
haw haw haw haw haw!
. . . I don't see no reason that
today's punks can't walk around
with flowers and long hair anr~
that other fagg-oty stuff. I .
a free country, ain't it? Just so
long as one don't come around
me, 'cause I'll paste the little
queer right in the mouth with
my fist. I gotta right to express
my opinion, too, y'know . . .
Life, I always sez, reminds me
of a bowlin' ball. Sometimes it
rolls as straight as anything
and it'll win you a stachoo or
maybee just a round of Rhein­gold.
But other times it sort
of rolls off one side and screws
ya up with a seven-ten split".
Since then, Mouth has increased
his already formidable reputa­tion
as a grassroots intellectu­al
with ZIPPER-EYED GOOK
GURUS: TAPEWORMS IN
THE BELLY OF AMERICAN
CULTURAL SUPREMACY, a
stream - of - consciousness bi­ography
of Maharishi Mahesh
Yogi; and NUKE 'EM NOW:
A WAY TO WORLD PEACE,
which began as a defense of the
Sentinel antimissle system but
attained a more freewheeling
flavor as it gradually expanded.
Mr. Mout}J.'s lecture will be on
the recent unrest on college
campuses, especially on agita­tion
directed against student
military training, and will be
entitled "Dog-eared Confronta­tionites:
Cockroaches In the
Pantry of ROTC". It will be
given April 24 in the gymnasi­um.
The site is at Mr. Mouth's
request, as a more fitting arena
for his style of rhetoric than the
somewhat "pseudointellectual"
Oak Room. Questions will fol­low,
as will a beer-chugging
contest in which Mr. Mouth
will participate.
The year's last attraction
will be in Gonzaga Auditorium
on May 7. Hippie von Grogg,
the most famous living Ameri­ran
author, will give a rambling
address on either "The Meta­physical
Thrust of My Works",
or "Nothing in Particular". Mr.
von Grogg's works, the inspira­tions
for which sprin~ from his
everyday activity are noted fr ~·
a unique capacity to glorify t. e
banal, have earned him liten '.
ture's extremely lucrative How~
itzer Prize, awarded annually
be the Trustees of Parsons
College to "the most corrosive­ly
dull mind in American let­ters",
for nine years in su('ces­sion.
Mr. von Grogg's more fa­mous
efforts include ALL THE
KING'S QUEENS, his irJtial
reactions to Fire Island, N.Y.;
THE DRAPES OF BATH and
BABBLING ABOUT CHAR·
LEY HORSES, novels on the
w:r€tched hospital conditions in
the U.S. which wax vaguely
Dkkensian in parts; THESE
DICE OF PARASITE. a sear­ing
novel on Las Vegas gamb­ling;
THE GREAT GASKET,
a terrifying account of a flood
in the Waldorf-Astoria boiler
room which equals the poetic
and thematic ferocity of Hop­kins;
FOR WHOM THE
TOLLS' BELL, a heart-render­ing
novel of a young boy ex­ecuted
for running the Norwalk
toll; THE BUN ALSO RISES:
Hipple von Grogg
REFLECTIONS I N A SEARS­ROEBUCK
TOASTER, and
FENDER IS A FRIGHT, a
"nonfiction novel" a la IN
COLD BLOOD on an accident
involving two hawknosed, back­biting
suhurban housewives in
a supermarket in Ligament,
Ky., where von Grogg makes
his home. As he describes him­self
on a recent book jacket:
"Well, the money's not bad, of
course. There's royalty checks
and distributor kickbacks, and
I'm in real estate on the side.
You think th(; drivel Louts Au­chincloss
puts out is any
better? Besides. the lower
Manhattan cocktail parties are
fun. I can impress all the hy­pochondriac
women, guzzle
martinis, the whole scene . . .
As I look back I can say with
total artistic honesty that I
never metaphor I didn't like.''
Naps will f-ollow von Grogg's
lecture.
Mr. Donohue explained, "Dr.
SuturP. is being brought here
basicalt·/ jus~ to gross pcop!e
out. Mr. Mouth is appearing be­cause
his views on the vital
issues of the day are identical
to tile Administration's, and
the students too, if you think
about it. As for Mr. von Grogg,
we 11, you win some., you lose
~atne. " Student Government
President Al Mariani was re­portecl
nttempting to hold Stu­d('
nt Govern&nent concerts each
one of l'ht: nights, "but we'd
need an emPrr~ncy loan an the
order of 18 thou to cover it.
I mean, we both know what
government concerts are like".
.. •ee ~
•• •
New Directions
• Throughout this year, many have complained loudly about this
one ef my columns. I say "this one" of them because due to my
recent and long-longed for promotion, you all will already have
heeded as heedlessly as always the glaring, staring-you-in-the-face
reality that I am now the proud author of most of the major
miscellanies which weekly dot your Daily News. In any case, with
regard to the matter of said complaints, it has in my opinion been
immaterial; and therefore in at least two senses like the soul,
certain proof to anyone that there are many here far more quali­fied
than I to answer it. I can only admit that heretofore I have
been unduly untrue to my column's caption; and promise contritely
that hereafter I shall never give you cause to cast your souls at
me, which you will readily observe is tantamount to giving up your
spirit, an act which God alone has the right to inspire.
In as much, however, as many of you are already soulless,
my purpose here cannot be simply to prevent others from losing
what you have already lost; rather I must endeavor to somehow
return to you what is yours, since surely all of us who are soled
Christians would turn shoemaker at the sight of brethren tripping
lightly over red-hot pavement, or plunging through ice-cold snow,
without soles. It seems, then, that I shall have to work on the
premise that new souls are at least as good as old souls, which
I hope will satisfy everyone.
Actually, up to now I have still been being my old self, whom
I presently abjure. Further, I have admittedly been presuming too
much of too many, in accord with my old ways: so I beg your
indulgence. Forthwith I shall attempt illiteracy, disdain thought,
subdue rationality, deity drunkenness, glorify masculinity, froth,
foam, and bubble over sex, vilify hippies, castrate doves, wear the
flag as a sarong, lobby for orgies, cut all classes, fight for license,
call it freedom, and frown and pout if not permitted at least one
orgasm daily, accompanied. Now tell me, will this shoemaker
need elves?
By the way, in all honesty I must confess that my sudden
conversion is not self-inspired. Because so many complained that
my column failed to ~upply what its caption implies, rather than
changing the caption I sought advice. Strangely enough, my en­lightenment
came from the -same source as most of your own so
very heart-endearing, red-blooded levity- alcohol, but a thorough­ly
deleterious liquid called Guiness, Anglo-Irish in origin, though
.here generally thought to be of pure Irish birth. To the outer
senses, Guiness is a smooth, mellifluous liquor, rich in content and
flavor; to the inner senses it is a bitter and unpleasantly nauseating
experience, proof of its fitness only to be looked upon, not consum­ed.
But of course many of you will have to vomit for yourselves,
smce my vicarious experience cannot be your test of truth. Any­way,
I shall at least relate my experience.
I sat down with this deceptive fluid, Guiness, and noted the
black label which covered all of its body but the neck. I had al­ways
thought that black was somehow diabolical, I suppose be­cause
of its contrast with the pure whiteness of my soul. However,
such profound dejection was I feeling about my column, that I
ignored my upbringing and pretended to be colorblind, which with
most is .quite truly a pretense, and poured myself a glass, and
took a SIP; whereupon I found the liquor to be foul, and, as I said,
for all practical purposes an emetic. Nevertheless, and due surely
to my state of mind,
F. Guiness: Aquinas says so. Besides, if we do not possess this
common. conviction, then surely we cannot even hope
to understand each other.
me: But I satirize a society full of injustice.
I satirize two generations bound by apathy, social
unconcern.
I satirize a system of education which continues to
foster ignorance.
I .expose hypocrisy, disguised as vocation.
I expose insensivity, disguised as love.
I expose laziness, disguised as fatigue.
I ...
F. G.uiness: Hey, slow down! There have been right-minded men
since the beginning of human history, so don't think
you're unique. And many, though admittedly few of
them have ever been applauded during their own
lifetime. But such is the human condition. Anyway,
~h~ .don't you try pointing out things which are good
m hfe; surely such an effort should be well received
by your audience. After all, these days we are all so
deeply and actively concerned with the evils of so­ciety,
that the goods tend to be glossed over and
ult~ately forgotten. Give your readers hope by di­rectmg
them t~ those goods which provide happiness,
and your promise of new directions will be fulfilled.
me: But I thought I was offering them hope.
F. Guiness: What ~u~gestions you ·have made are impracticable.
What ms1ghts you have provided are age-old. Change
comes. slowly. Things will work themselves out as
always. Wisdom comes with experience. You 'will
learn .. You will be all right yet. Don't despair, despair,
despair . . .
Well, my memor:y begins to slip. But surely at least enough
has. been revealed to indicate the extraordinary nature of my ex­perience.
Of course I now·percei¥e the obvious lack of communica­tion
which existed between myself and mr counselor' which au,-
THI ITA5 Mtrch · 20, 1969
Mixed Reaction Greets
Stag Board Replacement
Reaction to the swift, sudden
change in the directorship of
The Stag was, generally speak­ing,
mixed and quizzical. Stag
reporters were quickly put on
the beat to interview prominent
members of the community and
the general impression they re­ceived
was one of unprepared­ness,
shock and surprise. Most
at Fairfield were taking a wait­and-
see attitude.
Fr. William C. Mcinnes, presi­dent
of Fairfield University,
commented to The Stag, "The
Stag? What's The Stag 'f Tell
me about The Stag. I'm really
not too well informed about it."
Fr. James Coughlin, S.J., Aca­demic
Dean, was more empha­tic,
"Well, you see," he explain­ed,
"it's an extremely compli­cated
situation. But I will say
this much: Hitler wasn't com­pletely
in -the right, but neither
was he totally wrong. Do you
see my analogy?"
"were conscious agents in an
obvious worldwide conspiracy."
He was joined by Mr. James
Shields, English instructor, who
professed bitterness at being un­able
"to print my review of
Barbarella" under the old lead­ership
and by Dr. Morris (the
Merciless) Grossman of Philos­ophy,
who commented: "Iron­Ic?"
Dr. Louis Berrone of Eng­lish
took the opposite tack. "The
old Stag board will be missed­it
would be a fallacy to think
otherwise."
Standing somewhere in the
middle were Mr. Leo O'Connor
(English) who challenged our
reporter to a debate; Dr. Joseph
Grassi (Philosophy) who declin­ed
comment; and Professor
Lawrence Kazura (History)
who, stunned with the news in
the midst of an especially ar­ticulate
lecture, gave this mov­ing
impromptu elegy: "Uh
uh . . . uh . . . uh • . . uh
... uh ... uh ... "
Jesuit faculty were less schi­~
ophrenic. Fr. Gus Caffffrey of
Theology commented, "Being
the campus' foremost eschato­logist,
I can only say I sure
hope they went to heaven, be­cause
they weren't wearing
shoes when I saw them last.
Then he fell ofi his bike. Fr.
Dr.
John Mcintyre attributed The
St&l' board's demise to the fact
its members had "no mind." Fr.
Albert Reddy (English) would
only comment, "I feel this en­tire
issue is in very poor taste."
Student reactions varied. Ex­Stag
Editor-in-Chief Jay Doolan
urged the new board "to do as
I did - seek out all opinions
and have none of your own."
Former Student Government
President Philip Howe said, "No
time to comment. I'm off to my
ROTC meeting. I shouldn't want
to miss it; tonight we learn
about napalm." Current titlist
Albert Mariani revealed, "I
don't know how many times I
warned McAuliffe to watch that
mouth of his." William O'Mal­ley
informed our reporter when
he asked his questions in a loud
voice, "That's two." Andrew
Ketterer, '70, termed the course
of events ".a feeble substitute
for thought control." James
Ruane and Robert Murphy ex­pressed
desire for "diagram, not
monogram."
Late in the day our reporters
took note of a massive demon·
stration led by Douglas Kazar,
'71, but apparently it was unre­lated
to campus events, as its
pickets were content to shout,
"Syrian Power."
Gives
Fr. George Mahan, S.J., Ex­ecutive
Vice President, charac­terized
the development as
"vaguely amusing." Mr. Robert
K. Griffin, Dean of Student
Services, hinted that parking
tickets may have been the cause
for The Stag Board's downfall;
to Mr. Thomas Maher, Treas­urer,
financial matters may have
been the reason. As for policies
to be undertaken by the new
board, Mr. Ronald Bianchi, As­sistant
Dean of Resident Stu­dents,
injected a note of opti­mism.
"The new board can be
relied on to work within the
system, just like you'd expect
any hamburger to."
Views On Life
Lay faculty were sharply di­vided.
History professor Mr.
George Baehr, applauded the
move, saying the old board
ED. NOTE: The following is
an interview with Dr. Floyd D.
Barber, noted professor of PhD·
osophy. The Interview concerns
gests to me that I was quite insanely talking to myself. So since
my sense of failure drove me to such extremes, I am now de­termined
to attempt anything in order to preserve my sanity. I
am, therefore, yours, a devoted supporter of whatever is the cause
of the majority, and am resolved henceforward to drink only
domestic beer.
I continued to imbibe, until all at once I .found myself dis­coursing,
nor without reason and intelligence, with the bottle. And
fantastic as it may seem, I fancied I was doing more than merely
talking to myself! And yet more phenomenal, I addressed the
bottle as though it were my father, which the psychologists should
do wonders with. Anyway, while I still remember at least part
of our conversation, I had best begin relating it to you, if for no
other reason than the general edification of science.
me: 0 my father, my Guiness! I am sick (probably for
other reasons than the one given, you will readily
surmise) that my column has not given its readers
the new directions it promises. I have tried, have
even struggled indefatigably to provide them with
truth, with meaning, with relevance - but I have
failed. 0, tell me what I have done wrong!
F. Guiness: Are you happy, Kevin?
me: Huh?
F. Guiness: Happy! You know, feeling good inside, loving life and
working to make valuable contributions?
me: No. why?
F. Guiness: Then have you perhaps read one of the most inspiring
books of our age, The Baltimore Catechism f
me: No. I have onl-Y 1ried to tell .them that too much
Theology makes Jack a ull boy; that the world al­ready
knows that Aquinas believed in God and soul;
that ...
F. Guiness: You haven't met God ·:yet, have you, K-evin? 0, faith
is a beautiful thing, hut it takes strength, and resigna­tion.
And if only faith could be shared, Kevin, I
would share mine with you. But at least I can he!P
you understand God's ·will
me: Will you?
F. Guiness: I will- no, He wllls that all that happens, happen.
me: But ;tww can I be sure"?
F. Guiness: -well, all that is, is, isn't it?
.me: But what if ~~re is ·no • • ,
Dr. Barber's views on the atudy
of Phllosophy, and on life lD
general.
STAG: As we slt here ln the
midst of a ·blizzard one question
seems paramount. Dr. Barber,
do · you think lt will stop mow·
lngf
Dr. Barber: It always has. I
don't see why this particular
snow storm should be the ex­ception.
After all, we must real­ize
that in the past every snow
storm has ended and we must
be content to follow this tradi­tion.
STAG: On the personal side,
have you Uved here all your
llfef
Dr. Barber: Not yet.
STAG: There baa been inuch
talk of a "hippie phllosophy ...
How do you view th.l& contem·
poraty way ()f llfe practiced by
many young people of today?
Dr. Barber: Well, I can see
many parallels between today's
hippie philosophy of life which
expounds on "doing your own
thing" and the ancient Greek
philosophy which affirmed "you
don't have to be happy to be
.gay."
'STAG:In the way of academic
refonn, ·what do you think of
the plan for exams ·before
Christmas and a dlsmlM&J early
In May!
Dr. Barber: Well that prQ­
·posal has been on my mind for
many years. After all, I'~ real­ly
a Stag at heart and I would
love to get exams and that kind
of thing out of my hair so that
I could ~et down to the beach
•
March 20, 1969 Page Five
Music
_j}f/efjro JJ';}lriJ S~ored .fiif t•n Concerl
By BRUCE DRmBLE
"Golly, do I ever have a lot
of soul. This was the only ex­planation
rock-n-roll superstar
Allegro Hybrid could offer for
the smashing success his road
show encountered in the Fair­field
gymnasium last week.
Hybrid was relaxing back­stage
during an exclusive Stag
interview after enthralling an
audience of 65 inert bodies with
his traditional finale, a tooth­less
rendition of "Sunny."
It had been a long road for
Hybrid, who rose from the
humblest of beginnings in
Werew.olf, North Dakota, to
this night in Fairfield. After his
discovery at a rodeo show by
Howard Hughes, he had risen
to the top of the rock-n-roll in­dustry
riding a crest of
eighteen consecutive gold rec ..
ords and six albums, all rated
by Variety as #1 within two
weeks of their release. At the
tender age of 17, the smooth,
flowing poetry of his music has
served as a soothing tonic to
a generation grown increasingly
frustrated by the insolent back­w
o o d s pseudomysticism of
Buffalo Springfield, the slick
mischief of Jefferson Air­plane,
and the notorious ex­perience
that is Hendrix. A
chord of empathy in our face­less,
urbanized society has been
touched by Hybrid's latest hit,
"Jelly Roll Gum Drop", a series
of deep, lyrical, ultrametaphysi­cal
observations which rival
Ezra Pound in imagery and
Gerald Manley Hopkins in
c r a f t e d, structured internal
rhythm .
STUDENTS I
An Equal Opportunity Employer
"Jelly Roll Gum Drop, got
my eye on you.
Mama don't you know now,
Jelly Roll Gum .Drop, got my
eye on you.
The way you do the bop
-like a spinning top,
the Pachuco Hop
and the L. A. Slop,
you make a streetf',ar stop
at the soda shop
and my eyeballs pop .
when I see my Jelly Roll
Gum Drop."
As he sipped a double Fresca
on the rocks dressed in his
usual "detensing outfit", a
turtleneck sweater autographed
by the Monkees and black ·lea­ther,
hip-hugging Bermuda
shorts, he offered some frank
revelations on his work, the
times, and the ·hazy future
ahead for each.
"My next album, True Fal­&
etto, is really gonna be some
comment on the intellectual
future of Western man, let me
tell you. I mean, I always knew
my work was kind of Neitzsch­ean
and all, but I get really
deep with . 'Foam Trip', my
most controversial work yet.
It contains veiled references to
'doing some suds' and 'grogging
it,' and it's all about the vast
numbers ·of teenagers dropping
out with alcoholic toxins. It's
something of a c r o w n i n g
achievement for me, because
when I first entered the rock­n-
roll business, I could barely
play the chords to my Hag­strom
Ukelele. But as you saw
tonight, I can now sing, strum,
and make merry fun all over
the stage all at once. And I'm
just so glad to be in the rock­n-
roll business, because I know
that the kids and their music
are really where it's at. And
what's more, it's got a real
thematic unity - I'm saying
that this world is so mixed-up
we could fall off of it tomorrow,
so kids, remember, when you
dance, hold on to each other at
all costs. How's that for a
kerygmatic, kinetic function -
my things, as it were."
Asked about drug abuse
among youth Hybrid expounded,
"I try and avoid those sleazy
Mexican hallucinogens. I'm not
sure why, probably just a
lingering suspicion that if
George Patton were alive today,
College Relations Director
Allegro Hybrid
he'd sort of frown on the prac­tice.
Sure, opium might be fun
to those dunderheads in North
Africa or Latin America or
Southeast Asia, but our Gross
National Product is higher.
What's more, I try and avoid
that cruddy, electronic-psyche­doe>
zie stuff some of the crazy
far-out groups of today are
playing."
How long does he feel his
heady success can last? "Some
musicians spend their whole
life being just good, not ex­traordinary.
You know who I
mean: Gary Pucket, Ricky
Nelson, Brian Hyland, Ohio
Express, 1910 F ruit Gum Com­pany,
Jerry Vale, Cowsills,
Lettermen. They're sort of like
Lou Gehrig to somebody else's
r;~K~~~-~~ ;~~~~~·-
! SERV:CE STATION
Cor. Post Road
and South Benson
Fairfield, Conn.
Phone 259-6472
For Road Service
Tune-Up Is Our Speciality
AM
SERVICE
c/o Sheraton-Park Hotel, Washington, D.C. 20008
Please send me a free Sheraton Student I.D. Card:
Name:----------------------------------------
Address: __________________ _
We're holding
the cards.
Get one. Rooms are now up to 20% off with a
Sheraton Student 1.0. How much depends on
where and when you stay.
And the Student I. D. card is free to begin with.
Send in the coupon. It's a good deal. And at a
good place.
~!~!~!?.?n.'!~.~}.~ !;,~?!~~ !.~.. n s (§)
Babe Ruth. I don't knoek
it, they're all where . it's at,
but I've got to climb the Ever­est
.of my ambitions, reach the
pinnacle of achievement, attain
the rarefied air of demigod
status. Offhand, I can think of
only Neil Sedaka and Mitch
Ryder naving acomplished that.
Sbme company, man!"
The greatest thrill of his
career? ·"Well, next to tonight
- unhuh unhuh unhuh unhuhu­huhuhuh
. . . winning a Battle
of the Bands at a junior high
school social in the middle of a
blinding snow storm in Port
Chester on January 7, 1966.
. The Rascals could'nt make it
in. As a matter of fact, nobody
could. They were so glad I
came, I got it."
His future plans? "Well,
there's a party for me at the
playhouse real soon. I invited
a girl from the first row to it.
I could tell she was just so
impressed ·with the way I
handled my tambourine. I'll
go up to her at the party and
maybe impress her by singing
'Hello Dolly'. Then, as True
Falsetto comes out and the
~eenagers start to buy it, my
royalty check will come. I
think I will buy a Mustanr
with it; no a Corvette; no a
- Harleigh-Davidson~ no, perhaps
a boat would be best. Wait,
I've got it, I'll use it to or­ganize
a Super Session with
Lawrence W_elk, Fred Waring,
the King Family, and myself.
They're so creative in their
media, it'd really be a McLu­hanesque
experiment. Historic,
huh? Then, for the summer,
I've got a job as a narco out in
,Frisco. First, I'll buy some
beads, and then, perhaps
a leather band to go a­t'
o u n d m y h e a d, s om e
feathers and bells, and a book
of Indian lore. I will ask the
Chamber of Commerce how to
get to Haight Street and smoke
an awful lot of qp pe. I will
wander around barefoot, sleep
in the park, let my hair get
real good in the back. Why,
they'll never know what hit
'em. Zap! Clink! Bust! But
as you and I know, it can't last
forever and I'm thinking about
a more permanent career. I'd
like to go out and just sort of
help the world, but that would
be unpragmatic. So I'll either
be a bomber pilot for the U.S.
Air Force, making the . world
safe for democracy by napalm­ing
those parts of it which
aren't or I'll be an· enlightened
slumlord. And I have to go to
college in the fall. From what
I've seen of Fairfield, I like it
so much I may just come. After
all, I'm sure I'd fit right in."
THIS SUMMER
Focus on your future this summer at C. W. Post where
315 lush green acres of campus are just minutes from
parks, beaches, golf courses, fine theatres and muse­ums
and just an hour from ·the excitement of Manhattan
and the Hamptons. Theatre, tennis and riding facilities
are on campus as well as modern residence halls for
men and women.
UNDERGRADUATE COURSE OFFERINGS
Liberal Arts and Sciences, Pre-Professional,
Pre-Engineering, Business and Education.
GRADUATE COURSES under the auspices of Long Island
University Graduate Faculties and Schools are offered on
the Merriweather Campus.
• United Nations, Art and Theatre Workshops
• 7 -Week Foreign Study Institute in Fra.nce
Apply now for TWO 5-WEEK SUMMER SESSIONS
JUNE ~~-~ULY 25 and JULY 28-AUGUST 29-Day and Evening.
V1s1tmg students from accredited colleges welcome.
C. W. POST COLLEGE
•
MERRIWEATHER CAMPUS
LONG ISLAND UNIVERSITY
For additional information, summer bulletin and application
"":&:~:~«.!"' Phone (516) 299-2431 or mail coupon
-~~~~5~~~~=~~~~~~~~;~~~~~;~
P.O. Greenvale, Ll., N.Y. 11548
.Please send me Summer Sessions information bulletin. CP
0 Women's Residence Hall 0 Men's Residence Hall D Foreign Study
0 Undergraduate 0 Graduate 0 Day 0 Evening
I
I
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Name . ·... .. .. . . ..... .. . . . .. . . . . .. . .. . ... . . . .. . ..... . ........ ~
Address . .. ... . .... . ............. . •......... . .......••.• • • • • • 1
1 City .. . . ..... . . . ... .. ..... . .. . State . .........•. Zip....... . . . . I '
I If visiting student, from which college? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . • • . . • . . . .JI
~--~----~-------------------
THE Sl~6 --------------------
A Return Tll Lawnorder
.-\nct now that the Administration has led us through t-he doo:.
up th\.• p ol P, into the pond, and tucked us into bed with several excit­ing
~top s in bl•tween, it is time to get down to busines$. If you don't
\·ant to be any . better than you are, that's your business, but here in
· The Stag off ice \\·e know what's what. If you know ~nat's good for
vou You ' II con1e along with us, and pull yourselves out of.the gutter.
\y c:r~ the \'Oiee of the suburbs, the shock troops of moderation. We're
tlll Yoice of good schools, good jobs, nice neighbors, and an easy golf
course. \\Then w e talk, Money talks, and Power, and Authority and
Thunder and Li~htning and Zeus and Robert Bellarmin.e and maybe
t'\' ( '11 Yahweh himself, so if )rou've got any smarts left 1n you at all,
th en baby, you 'll shut up and listen. OK?
The old board got the punishment that .goes rightfully to a ny
su ch wolfpack of unbath ed libertine bohemian malcontel!ts. T~ere
are no r c ~rets at their fate. There· can be none. They were, 1n the last
a nah·sis but a mere conspiracy of radicals. hipnies, yi~nies. Red~.
t 'o m·-s.vm ps. poth eads, beards, Viet niks, · socialists; ~ra1tors, long­haired
· pinko faggots, liberals, judicial dictators, registered Demo­crat~
vakl'tv vak vak vak vak blah ~i ah blah blah drone drone drone
dribbi<' dribb.k d~·ivel. dri·v.el snap crackle pop doiiiy etc. etc. etc. But
\\'£' are of a ll l'\\' mold. Not men in gray flannel suits. but students
with sa wed-off cerebrums. Last Saturday morning, we held our first
hna rct nweting whil<' lying in bed at 11 a .m. belting down Thunder­bird
Tied and catching Cisco Kid on the tube. We fought a war of
attrition wit-h our minds. and attained a modus vivendi wit~ theM
und <·r tht• ~tatu s of Demilitarized Zones. We commissioned our new
t•rlitorial manager. a man \vith a safely Novocaine brain. to explain
us to th (• Community.
But we dil!ress. because you know. to live in America today is
just so wonderful. and we're just so tickled that the atomic bomb hac:;
made us this mill enum's .Chosen People. Yes. Amerira is a wonderful
lanrl . In wh1lt nthPr cnuntry c:1n one find the Gross National Prorlu c-t.
Ro B<·linskv. Girl Talk. Arnold PalmPr Thermal Underwear. a Cali­fornia
ch (';'S<'hurj!er. Spiro A f'l:new, the seven original hurt dances.
arnE" . . 1 0G7 M rrrurv ronVf'l'tihles. the P'l' A. The Beverlv 1-fillbiJ­billie~.
O'llar~ lntp.rnational Airport. Distrirt Attorney .Jim Garri­:
o'on. The Ecf Sullivan Show.· Bonanza. the milit.a.rv-indu.:;trial compl~x.
Dnnoi . th e N<'\\' ll:-tven Railrond Cnlt .AS malt liauor. the Grf'ater Loc;
A ngPies smo~. inrlf'X,. . tenw::tv P€1rk .. l-T ell's A n<rels. Mayor Rich!-'l l'd
Dal('V. Drap-n~t . "Ravonne. N. J . .To~ Pvne. Doris Day sex comedies.
B~wit~h~d. Mi\d Mrw·azine. the RPV. Billy nr:-~ham . thP National Rifle
A <:sn r i:1 t ion. Sara Lee Pou11rl \.(lke. 42nd Street. Dick _T-racy. the
C'RS-'l'V c<' nsors. the spitb<1ll Stand::~rd Oil of New Jersey. Mavor
~ ~ m Yortv. Mission: lmpo~~ih1e . thP National 0n::~.rd. Texas. Route 6,
tlH· inf ~ nt mnrtalitv ratP . Mf'·d Snuatl. n eneral Motnrs. novernor Rea-
1' :\ n. MiliE"r lligh Life W ARr. the N(ltinnal 80c>ialist White People's
P ~ l1v. t h(• New York Dailv News. thE" Joint Chiefs of Rt aff. To~mv
.l 0 m ~c.; :nHI thE" ShonrlE"lls. Cora Col a. th e D a ughter~ of the Amer1can
n f' \·n lntion. N nrma n VincPnt p p ;:~l r• . orthodonture. the New York .lets.
\V rstrh 0c: t r r ('nuntv rountrv cluhs. the west bank of the. Hudson
l~ i v r' r Fr:1Pkie L ~ in.r . D;:~virl F.isenhowf'r. Nati.onal Review. Chnt East­wnon:
the ~Nlrs-Hoehuck Catalogue. deodorant commercials. and all .
2~ Aavors of Howard Johnson's Ice Cream.
And sure lv it would seem time to step forward and declare for
once and for <~11 our und~ring all egianre to the living dream that i.s
this :-:rhnol. nui· school - Fl1rfrtrhed llniversitv. F::tirdale. Connecb­rut.
Stala~! 22 on the Turnnikr. RemPmber that old saving, "Love It
or T.<'ave Tt ?" \\'('11. it annli£'c:: hE"re. huh _A ,,(l s0 prrrp"<:i,,g from +l,p
paltr\' rank-and-file of .mere lesser men. we humbly offer ·our ultra­n.
osi t i ~· f' suugestions on how this · univPrc:.itv can be slightly improve~.
for s li~ht im pro\'(•ment is, of course. all left to us.
DTIESS': \V £' SUj!$.!0St the intrnductio~ of a manrlatory. standar:d a:L
ternating uniform to be worn round the clock. Uniform A would
con ~ i st of a sharkskin suit with the Mr. B collar. gold-plated
~ urplus cufflinks. a Hopalong Cassidy-autographed cowboy belt.
:\f od a Co Co strPtch elastic pants, white socks, pointed black
~hoE"s with the Cuban hf'E" ls the Dave Clark Five used to uc::e for
i'Glad All Over." complete with purple shirt and white 1ie.
Uniform B would include a· paisle~; handkerchief. an Eliot Nc~s
suit with the supE"rwiclP triplr. ·lapel. Madras T-shirt. polkarlot
snap-on bowtie. skinti~ht stretch denim Levis, and paratrooper
boo ~ s from the 82nd Airborne. There have been an interminab1e
series of hassles and eouivocations over this issue in recent years.
\Ve decline to get involved in such petty squabbles. but men~ h·
wish to comment ·that the decline of dress standards· on this cam­pus
represents a definite deviation from the classic Pach uco tradi-tion.
After all, "You're a better man than I, Dunga Ree."
WORK STUDY: All such should be summarily terminated. Needy
students should instead obtain employment at the Fairfield Car
. Wash, where they can ~xperience "the real America."
CENSORSHIP: !"#$%-&'()*+ =(Censored).
P ARIET ALS: There should be none at least until women arrive, at
which time Uniform C may be added (a Freudian Slip) and
Fairfield students can perform a long-awaited emotional ex­orcism
on themselves in the form of a panty raid. And yet there
are those who cannot wait. With them, we partially sympathize.
After all, "Give to Caesar the things which are Caesar's."
RACISM ON CAMPUS: We applaud this school's groovy counterat­tack
against all charges of racism. 1\Iost schools simply ignore it,
but we took a more constructive tone here. It is highly unrealistic
and awfully presumptuous for the Youth Interspatial Council to
accuse our university of racism and suggest it admit more minori­ties.
Personally, we oppose all reform measures on the gro.und
that admitting more disadvantaged students would result 1n a
prohibitive amount of paperwork. To this end, we are spon~oring
an organization called SPONGE (Students for the Prevention of
Negroes Getting Everything) which is dedicated to the proposi­tion
that since white people stole this land fair and square from
red people, they have a perfect right to keep it that way. After
all, to the victors belong the stationwagons.
ACADEMICS: All critics of any aspect of our education should be
compelled to study in an elevator and experience the Royal Shaft
this University has to offer. We doubt that criticism of our teach­ing
will cease until. to paraphrase the dean of Georgia's prison
system, "We get a better grade of prisoner."
SOCIAL LIFE: Alcohol and women are irrelevant to our needs. What
this school needs is a good public execution every weekend. This
would halt the mass exodus make the university something of a
tourist attraction, and assu~e the internal self-discipline of the
student body. There is nothing more conducive to obedience in a
human being than to let him watch his compatriots be shot.
But this is a wonderful University, for it has the Norwalk tollt
a fullv air-conditioned library, the Radical Middle. New Haven Arena,
concerts in huge Alumni Gvm. a well-lit New Dorm parking lot, an
imaginativel:v-named New Dorm, beer mixers, the bookstore, UB
girls. Dick Makse. campuses · for insubordination. the Huddle. J en­ninQ's
Beach. curfews, the townies, enthusiastic chambermaids, the
Tappan Zee Bridge on windy nights, Arnold's Pharm~cy. on-campus
recruiting by Dow, the Bridgeport Motor Inn, the Fairfield Diner
men's room. ever-courteous service in the Treasurer's Office. easy­voing
discipline on Campion 3, lights-out. the Turf Club, the Japanese
Gardens, required courses, Jacques de Jacques, ap all-powerful Stu­dent
Government. Catholic college girls, transfer applications, tuition
increases. a progressive administration. countless handbook commit­tees.
a myriad of forums. an interested faculty, a fair marking system,
spri~htlv lectures, a student body rapirlly adjustin.2' to its "new situa­tion,"
Orientation. St. Patrick's Da:v Weekend. Thanksgiving vaca­tion.
Christmas vacation,· semester break, Easter vacation, summer,
weekPnds, 100 Ni~hts. Senior Week. Graduation, and of course, the
new Stag editorial board. :
The only major defect of Fairfield is that no one really appre­riatf'.:;
its Administration. Let the word travel far and wide. for we
!' ~~· it proudly: Our A dmi·nistration is to higher education what the
f'hira~o police are to law enforcement- and by that we mean, heh­hrh.
of r ours . the last bastion a·gainst anarchy. We feel it time our
f. clministration was urged publiclv to pursue a policy of total victory
ag-ain~t the ~tudent body. This TTniversity deserves Po less. for it is
VPr~r nire. (Now for a real sharp, fine, fine. superfine Ciceronian
Prroration).
Till then, we lust for the comeback of Ugly Radio. We sense
that th £' spirit of Bellarmine lives within us even now. He lives! Pass
it on! Viva la Counterrevolucion! Forward with Militant Apathy! And
,inc::t.. think kids. _if you thought this editorial was pap, real soon now
you'll have a university newspaper which will crank out. thi~ type of
thin$! every week. After all, who says a dull newspaper has to be
good?
March
Why Are These Men Laughing?_
Peqe Seven l The Other Side ·j
By Laurence Prud'homme
The issue of co-education has once again become a headline
as it was announced that this university will open a School of
Nursing by 1970. The reasons given by the Administration seem
logical and well thought-out, and I am in favor of such a move.
The last time co-education was an issue, a couple of years ago,
I was against bringing girls to _this campus. I had come to Fairfield
because it was an all-male college and I was primarily interes•ed .
in an education. I probably would have graduated before women
were admitted anyway, and of ·course, there was tradition to be
considered.
But that was back in the days when the typical Stag dressed
neatly, was· well-mannered and friendly and Fairfield was referred
to; once in a while, as "the Catholic Ivy League," and "the Notre
Dame of the East." The Dean of Resident Students could even put
up a notice to remind the few that it was time for a shave and
a haircut.
Most recently, however, we have been experiencing a trend
on this campus of more angry and bitter people (not that there
aren't some things to be angry 9-bout) and more and more students
appear slovenly for the sake of, it seems, looking slovenly. The
food service has had to put an extra help just to carry out trays
that are left behind. Do~mitory activities have taken on a new
flavor and things that used to be infrequent violations are quickly
becoming problems of major proportion. It has only been four
months now that the "jacket and tie" rule was dropped and I've
heen asked several times already this semester what I was doing
with a jacket and tie on. (Luckily, I was just doing my own !hing).
It is hoped that with the integration of women, as students, .
in'·o our campus lif~ . there will be a return to the romping, stomp­ing,
beer-drinking, neatly dressed, gentlemanly, friendly Stag.
Images and appearances are a heck of a thing to write about when .
they are really just a facade. And a few other schools have been
unsuccessful in bringing in a handful of female students as a good
influence on the rest of the campus. But we don't have that much ..
to ) ose and quite a bit to gain if going "co-ed" brightens the cam­pus
up. · I~ sure that we could live with an improved image, even
if it is a facade.
Letters To The Editor
Damages Listed
To the Editor:
Although I had previously never heard
of Fairfield University, its students and
their actions became painfully obvious to
me over this past St. Patrick's Day
Weekend.
Mr. Harold Simon, owner of the New
Yorker Hotel, was so upset by the be­havior
of Fairfield students at his estab­lishment
this past weekend that he sent
me an itemized bill of all the damage
inflicted on his hotel by Fairfield students
over the weekend:
50 RCA Color Televisions
@ $300 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $ 15,000
200 bath towels @ $2.00 . . . . . . 400
10 maids (they have been gone
60 hours @ $2.00 an hour) 1,200
75 rooms that because of Fair­field
students actions neces­sitated
complete refurbish­ing,
recarpeting, re-plaster­ing
and re-painting each
room cost $2,000 . . . . . . . . . 150,000
50 uniforms of maids, bellboys
and water that had to be
cleaned because they had
the "heaves" all over them ·
@ $5.00 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 250
75 rooms that had to be com­pletely
fumigated to get out
the smell of cigarettes, al-cohol
and ''heaves" . . . . . . . 2,000
400 ash trays pilfered @ .50¢ 200
Miscellaneous damages 1,000,000
Also, Mr. Simon related that innumer­able
members of his staff had resigned
after the stormy weekend, an expense
which is impossible to calculate.
I realize this is fun city, but actions
like these are a· little bit more than fun.
Therefore I have issued a decree that
any Fairfield Student found in New
York City will be towed to the East
River.
Yours truly,
John V. Lindsay
Mayor of New York City
Spiritual Development
To the · Editr:
There bass been a· greetdeal of talk ·
aboutt the aditiy of a .a· student to·
funxion while heis unddertaldng the
glo~ious hobbie of mind expansion~.
Everyone should realizze . that that lS
totally phalse cause wow you can funch­tion
a ok for a, longtime right. why well
cause i goo about my .day everyday
acttivittiees and people cant even tell
that i am stoned much· cept me cause i
really know it causse i am.
Whahkki Choe is jusst real great when
i go cause his head is a ok when I gott
enough acid and can know but anyway
thatdontmeanmuchcause I my typewrtier
knows me well. I love my tpewri'er
cause it is groovyy blue and while like
the flagg. Also the keeys are all d'f­ferent
and you can haveit talkittoyou
somewhere andd my typewrittter raps
withmewell . . . OFcourse i love my
teeeelphone too. Anywayy fairfield has
good girls and phhomes and the accidd
is sweellcause ir is and my chick loved
ludloe cause there is Iotts of frueeks
therrre and i cant think of nothing bet­ter
than dpooping the phonee while thal­ing
on te acid and all of me friends are
acid pHreaks. the administration of the
scchoool is not liking usmuch causse
theyy only got sauce and i -think thatthe
adinnistrachion s well you kknow but the
teecheers are ok and an A is a good
gradecause it shoows that you is ~mmart.
amd A stands fer acid too so you cant
loose anyway. g oddd i justgotta greet
insightt oooooh wooooow wowowowowo
justgota greetinsight ya I just had a
greatinsight which is I think i am
phreeky but noobody can tell. thhisisthe­beststuffever
schhhhhhhhhhhhlammmm.
thisshugecosmiczod:ac intersteallar
sledge hammer went bboong on me and
my red tpewriter which used tp be blue
is talking ttoo me and I am still talkingg
to you which is evven stranger wowwwo
the sky up there gotto to grioove not
outttherecauseitis springgtooandiwantto­gooutstidenowcause.
.JOIN NOW!!!!! JOIN THE LEAGUE
FOR SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT!!!!!
Sinnfully yourrs*
. Speedy Gonzalez
P. S.: At least ican still spell .mi name
rite.
•
Gourman Report
To the Editor:
·Please send me a copy of the Gaur­man
Report. In a brown paper bag.
Thank you,
James Coughlin, S.J.
• *
Great Innovator
To the Editor:
As a member of the Class of 1972 I
have been at Fairfield for more 1han a
semester now and cannot figure out why
everyone at this University is always
attacking· the administration, particular­ly
that great innovator, the Very Rev.
William C. Mcinnes.
Everytime I have talked to Fr. Mc­Innes
he has always given me straight
answers, never double-talked, gone . on
tangents or refused to comment like
some college administrators are prone
to do.
Another thing which has impressed
me with Fr. Mcinnes is the way in
which he is able to say exactly the· same
thing in so many different ways at one
time.
I have also found that Fr. Mcinnes is
always open to suggestions at all times.
Beyond this he always implements any
suggestions as soon as possible. His
lightening speed in initiating d.Jrmitory
and academic reform have never ceased
to amaze me.
I would appreciate it if the Editorial
Board on The St.ag- would stop criticizing
Fr. Mcinnes. If you don't ' love Fairfield
with all your heart then you should
leave it.
Hopefully,
·J. M. Dumb
• • •
An Inquiry
To the Editor:
Is this Phase Three of "Ruben and
the Jets?"
Inventively yours,
Francis Vincent Zappa.
£/o The Pipco Corporation
Laurel Canyon, California
• • •
Request ·Met·
\To the Old Editor:
Dear Pat: I caught your advertisement
in Campus News and will sneak over
to your room around three this after­noon
to buy it all. It's been pretty rough
o~ me, too. Being dismissed as Managing
Editor makes the only diversion avail­able
to me now that of laying rubber
all over campus in my shiny new Mus­taf1g.
And I've got to compliment . you
on your sly methods, Pat. There's ab­solutely
no doubt in my mind I can't be
caught. After all; who ever reads Let­<
crs to the Editor?
With high regards,
David Dzurec
ED. NOTE: Letters to the Editor do not reflect Stac
policy. They should be brief and direct. We reserve the right
to edit letters. Authors will be notifit:.>~ when pouible. All
lette~s must be signed. NamE."S will be withheld upon worthy
request. Columns ~o not reflect Sta~r policy .. -£ditorial5 reflect
the consensus of the Editorial Board. The Editorial Mana2er
authors them except in extraordinary cues.
' \.· J.
,aCJe Eiqht . THE STAG March 20, 1969
St~g Editorial Board Replaced
(Continued from Pace 1) . .
selves, while others, rebellious
but weak, will destroy one an­other,
and the rest, weak and
unhappy, will crawl to our feet
ad wail to us 'Yes, you ~er~
right, you alone posses the mys­tery,
and we are coming back
to you, save us from our­selves'!"
Once this happens, the state­ment's
prognosis becomes more
specific. "Then we shall give
them the quiet, humble happi_­ness
of weak cr.eatures such as
they are by nature. With us
everybody will be happy and
will neither rebel nor every­where
destroy each other any
more as they did under your
tenure. Oh. we will persuade
them that they will only be­come
free when they renounce
their freedom to us and submit
tD us, And will we be right or
Will wt: be lying'! They will
become timid and will look to
Securitj ·
( ConUnued from Page 1)
purchase of Mace, curare, and
Volkswagen halftracks for his
new. ultramibile, highly elitist
... Kampus Kop Kontingent." Also
on the new chief's program of
priorities is · a fleet of Rescue 8
helicopters, which will hover
above campus 24 hours a day,
fully equipped with Nike-Zeus
"warning flares."
The problem of drug abuse
was described by Officer Ob_ie
as "very high on my list. We're
trying to requisition narco in­fonners
from the Fairfield Po­lice
even now, but we're given
to understand the Drunken Do­nuts
would go out of business
were our requests to be met."
Ultimately Officer Obie hopes
to install a Computerized Brain
Police Center in the botton of
Loyola Hall "to stave off agita­tion
at its power source - the
students' minds." Final details
are still being worked out.
In Mr. Zeyn's. words "As
Fairfield goes big-time it needs
stout men to defend its vital
interests. We feel that in Officer
Obie we have found the fibre
and backbone which should set
a superb example to all in the
community. To be precise, the
current state of campus security
is unlikely to be transformed
overnight with but a single man.
Officer Obie's prime function is
his prime asset - the ability
to b~st heads."
BRIDGEPORT
MOTOR -INN
Kings Highway, Rte. I A
Exit 24 Connecticut Turn pike
367-4404
A CONVENIENT STOP
FOR YOUR ... FRIENDS
AND RELATIVES
Just 5 Minutes from Campus
us and Huddle close to us in
fear, as chicks to the hen. They
will be proud at our being so
powerful and clever, that we
have been able . to subdue such
a turbulent ·flock of thousands
of millions. They will tremble
more weakly before our wrath,
their minds will grow fearful
but in their leisure hpurs we
shall make their life like
a child's game. Oh, we shall
even allow them sin, and they
will love us like children be­cause
we allow them to sin. We
shall tell them every sin will
be expiated, if it is done with
.our permission, that we allow
them to sin because we love
them. They will bring every­thing,
everything to us, and we
will have an answer for every­thing,
and they will be glad to
believe our answer."
For the imediate future, the
administration has made clear
I i
! r
the policy it desires the new
board to unplement: "Unless
you are asked a direct ques~
tion you must say nothing at
all; but what .you do say must
be brief and general. We don't
ask you to tell any lies; by no
means, you should only give
curt answers."
The rather lengthy state­ment
also provides for a pun­ishment
if this policy is not
carried out: "This procedure
and method of punishment,
which you may soon have the
opportunity to admire, has at
the moment no longer any open
adherents in our colony r We
are its sole advocates, and at
the same time the sole advo­cates
of the old Commandant's
tradition. We can no longer
reckon any further extension
of the method, it takes all· out
energy to maintain it as it is.
tl .
During the old Commandant's
lifetime the coLony was full of
his adherents; his strength of
conviction we still have in
some measure, but not an atom
of, his power; consequently the
adherents have skulked out of
sight, there are still many of
them but none of them will
admit it. If you were to go
into the snackbar today, and
listen to what is being said,
you would perhaps hear· only
ambiguous remarks. These
would all be made by adher­ents,
but under the present
Commandant and his present
doctrine they are Df no use to
us. .And now we ask you: be­cause
of this Commandant is
the work of a life-time to per­ish?
Ought we to let that
happen "
For specific violation, the
statement proposes a unique
. ....
e
method of punishment. It reads:
"Our sentence does not sound
severe; Whatever command­ment
the students have dis­obeyed
is written upon their.
bodies by the Harrow. These
students, for instance, would
have written on their bodies:
HONOR THY SUPERIORS!"
In closing, the statement ex­horted
the students at large in
the full owing way: "Without
being distracted by lying whis­pers
and contemptuous glances
you have heard our explana­tions,
read of the machine and
are now in the course of
awaiting the punishment. You
have doubtless already fortned
your own judgement: if you
still have some small uncer­tainties
the sight of the punish­ment
will resolve them. And
now we make this request to
you: help us against the new
Commandant!''
I
1
"I­I
100
There's a wide open fuhl:re for· college· seniors
f in the fast growing ·retailing industry. And
j' Stop & Shop/Bradlees is one of the fastest
1
! growing; best-managed food and department
store chains. in the country.
As one of our store managers, you'd be
running a 3 million dollar operation. And be
in charge o~ from 60 to 120 employe~s·, with 3
or more department heads to help you run
the show.
You'd have a lot of responsibility: super­vising
daily operations, merchandising, labor
relations, inventory and production control,
public relations.
The rewards for all this are high. So is the
salary (our store managers make a very com­fortagle
five figures) 0 And so are your chances
to go right to the top~
. All it takes to become a store manager is
initiative, brains, , and just plain hard work.
Plus our comprehensive training program.
Where you'll get excellent training pay. And
invaluable experience. For unequalled oppor­tunity
in this exciting retailing industry, see
your Placement Director. Or send your resume
now to the College Recruiting Manager, Stop
& Shop I Bradlees, 3 97 "D" Street, South Bos­ton,
Massachusetts 02210.
INTERYlEWS WILL BE CONDUCTED ON CAMPUS,.
March 26, 1969
Brad lees.
-•- --.. . ·. AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYllt ·--·-~----~--.------~-·-.. ·--·--~· ·--~·-·~---.. -·· . -"---- ·------------....&.
March 20, 1969
His Excellency, the Premier of Quaslland
The Stag Interviews
Premier Of uasiland
In its continuing efforts to
seek · outside and therefore
more diversified qpinions on the
nature and status of Fairfield
University, The Stag received
an exclusive interview with the
Premier of Quasiland, Yomoto
Farouk, upon his first visit to
the United States and to a col­lege
campus (Fairfield). He ar­rived
two weeks ago at Bridge­port
Airport and was received
in the Campus Center (rumored
to be called the Quasi Center
seeing as . no one else would
donate $750,000 to name the
stupid building) .
STAG: Well Premier Far­auk,
how do y-ou like our rolling
and beautiful campus?
Premier: Ah so! Like very
much! Just like Quasiland.
STAG: Would you elaborate,
Premier?
Premier: Certainly. You see,
Quasiland is 3,000 miles long
and 3 feet wide; our main in­dustry
is rope. It seem like
main thing here - everybody
hanging themselves.
STAG: How do you view the
current unrest on campus over
student apathy, Premier?
Premier: Well, we have un­rest
in Quasiland too, you
know. You figure we have
pretty severe rush hour prob­lem
with only three foot wide
road. Everybody all bent out
of shape. Just like here at
Fairfield. nobody know which
direction to turn.
STAG: Premier, how do you
view Academic Reform at Fair­field?
Premier: I figure it doesn't
make much difference really.
You get quasi-education here
anyway, right?
STAG: Premier, what sort of
punishment do you give to vio­lent,
fascist pasty-faced peace
creeps that uproot the stability
of your campuses?
Premier: Oh, we put them at
wrong end-of town during rush
hour. That very bad.
STAG: What sort of policy
do you feel Fairfield should im­plement
t.owards having women
in the dormitories? . . .
Premier The way I see it,
it oughta be a "You find 'em,
you got 'em" policy - that
way you got no restrictions at
all.
STAG: What about drinking?
Premier: We have no drink­ing
laws in Quasiland . . . You
gotta either be crazy or drunk
to live in Quasiland. Looks
like the same situation here at
Fairfield.
STAG: Do you have any
other comments, Premier?
Premier: I .only say I hope
you all get out of Fairdale
with good bureaucratic train­ing.
Then you can eithttt- come
back to Fairfield atrd be a
Resident Assistant or be traf­fic
cop in Quasiland ..-. tJoth
pretty lousy, quasi j0bs.
STAG: Thank y.d-n Premier.
HELP WANTED
Anyone interested in writing for
The STAG should contact Pat
•
Long Ill Regis 118 or by
calling 255-3259
THE STAG
Bob &rant's moving up to make room for JOU at
Chase Manhattan Bank.
We've just got to promote Bob. He
bas learned. a lot Rb011t Chase .M'~ll­hattan
through internal auditing.
H~ in,.-a great spot to make the
grade-unfortunately for our Con­troller,
All the otb,er departments of
our bank look on Auditing as open
territory for their,·executive raiding
parties.
. Now that Bob knows Chase, from
·.internal audit to electronic data
proccssingl he's got to move. And
thPrP .::lrP nlPntv Af o'l"P~t PXPt"lltiVe
jobs to mo~e up'to at Chase. if you·re
.an Accounting, Finance or Bus. Ad.
. student with at least 2 semesters of
accm.mting, talk to Chase ~-fanhat­tan's
repre· THE
sen ta ti ve. It CHASE
might get ~ou MAN HATTAN
off to a flymg BANK N A
start. • • •
Page Nine
Page Ten THI STA& March 20, 1969
Bormann Feels Fairfield
Equal To His Ratings
Last week the Fairfield Uni­versity
Relations, Inc. depart­ment
announced its plans to ac­cept
a proposal by the inter­nationally
known Friedrich
Martin Bormann that · would
elevate the Fairfield campus to
an unusual new status.
Commandant (Ret.) Bormann
was reached via long distance
cablegram in his home in Fas­cisto,
Argentina in an exclusive
Stag interview.
Stag: Com. Bormann, how do
you feel Fairfield measures up
to your rating when you visited
here in 1946?
Com. Bormann: Excellent! It
isss most perfectly situated for
my purposes.
Stag: What exactly are those
purposes!
Com. Bormann: What we had
in mind was an institution
(chuckle) of Advanced Aggra-vation
for the Stagnation of Stu­dents
or Ze AA of SS.
Stag: How do you plan to im­plement
such a status here at
Fairfield?
Com. Bormann: Virst, ve
change ze name of ze place. It
vill be called "Stalag 22 on ze
Turnpike." Ze head office of
implementation will be ze Me­diocre
Manor Complex.
Stag: Will you hire a new
staff of your own choice?
Com. Bonnann: I haft only
two new posts in my mind. One
vill be ze SSS (Stagnation Stu-dents
Squad). Ze other vill be
ze establishment of a King Kap.
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to collegian
We love you to work for us in your
spare time during the school year
... love you to take jobs with u
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By registering with us now for hol­iday
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on. You can also find out what jobs
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tain. As I zee it now, your pres­ent
offices and officials need
only a minimum in advanced
training techniques to blitz may­be
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Ze new KKK will zee to
it zet no chances are passed up.
'Stag: The present Administra­tive
facilities are then, at pres­ent
satisfactory to your ideo­logy,
Commander Bormann?
Com. Bormann: Oh! Absolu­tely!
Zey rival some of my top
men of years ago. Most com­petent
stiflers of ze mind.
Stag: Do you truly feel Com.
my Bormann rating, you can
only go one way and zat's up,
right?
Stag: On what ideal are your
objectives formulated toward
Fairfield University, Com. Bor­mann?
·
Com. Bormann: Ve vill al­ways
carry a banner of black
Z's and red letters upon which
an inscription vill read: "Only
Ignorance is Free, Support
Higher Education" or "Concen­tration
is a Camp Idea."
Stag: Thank you Com. Bor­Bormann
that this new attitude mann.
will foster a better Fairfield
University community?
Com. Bormann: Vell, after
Com. Bormann: Ve vill zee
you all when ve get ze ovens
hot.
Fairfield's retired Commandant, Martin Borman, relaxing In a
free moment.
APER TIGERS NEED NOT APPLY.
anks, but they're just not our type_
ung engineers who join us are expected
move in on some rather formidable
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If our criteria parallel your outlook, you'll
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And your career advancement can be
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March 20, 1969
SIDELINE VIEW
By SHAUN D. HARRINGTON
Herewith, let it be known that "Sideline View" initiates the
First Annual Kontrovertible Epithets, (It may also be the last.)
These will deal with sports personalities ( ? ) of university renown
( ? ), whose feats and exhibitions of grace, modesty, and eccen­tricity,
both on and off the field, are felt to be characteristics by
thi$ author. In keeping with this, the article does not reflect my
policy. However, I cannot help but reveal these characteristics -to
you, or at least brmg them out into the open, where people may
see them and discard them, read them and weep, read them and
write a letter to the editor, or read them, come over to Regis G-4
and punch me in the nose. Obviously, there are many roads of
recourse left open to the reader - then again, there always are.
I babble on too long. To whom it may concern, the first Kontro­vertible
Epithet goes to:
Steve Daur, Hockey Club goalie, for his modesty off the ice.
We know you have a shutout, Steve, but do you really have to
wear that patch of achievement on your Fairfield jacket?
George Blsa.eca, Director of Athletics, gets the Wonderful Re­cruiting
Award (and he'll probably get it for the next two years).
Joe Valerio, Sports Editor of The Stag, for his wise and sage
choice of the headline "Stags Are Tough?" that practically covered
the back page of the February 5 issue.
Colin Kiley, trackman, the ·Funny Man of the Year Award
for the truisms that seldom fall from his lips.
Bllly Seltz, sophomore pre-med student, for his short-lived
university baseball career. Arthritis in the knees, huh, Bill?
Denny Donovan, PKT intramural basketball scoring leader,
receives the Hat Trick Award (normally given to hockey players
who score three goals in one game) for his continuous wear and
tear on his grandfather's hat.
Jim Hessel, varsity basketball player, for using his head -
literally - in the St. Peter's game in Madison Square Garden when
Wayne Gibbons tossed him the ball.
Tony DuComb, the only hippie hockey player I ever knew.
~ Chuck Dombeck, rugger, for his absolute, honest-to-goodness
love of rugby. I attempted to find out why one plays rugby some
months ago, but so far I have been unsuccessful. Is there a psycho­logical
reason ?
Wayne Gibbons, varsity basketball player, the Biting Tongue
Foul Shooter Award along with a mark of "A" for face contor­sions.
James Lynam, head coach of the varsity basketball team, for
his vociferous, nail-biting game exhibitions at mid-court, the base­line
- well, just about anywhere. I wonder, did this ultimately
aid the defense?
Eddie Wargo, the "I-never-would-have-known-you-were-a-base­ball-
player" Award.
And finally, the Colorful Speech Award to Pete DiOrio who
advised me "to be an athletic supporter."
. ....,_ •ICIAL·~·-._ ••••·• ....
! __. ..,_... ...., ••••• i .. . _ _
SHIRTS 52~
MCTOIY
SHill
THI ITA&
Extra oint
By JOE BRONSON
Pete DiOrio, the greatest foul shooter in Fairfield bas­ketball
history, also is ranked as the No. 6 trainer in the
United States according to the latest AP poll . . . The
New Haven Arena has been selected as the site for the 1970
NCAA championship ... The semifinals will be played in
Fairfield Prep's University Gymnasium . . . The rea.! reason
for Mickey Mantle's retirement is that Coach Donald Cook
· has offered the Mick a $200,000 a year contract to be his
batting coach. Head basketball coach Jim Lynam has been
' voted as the rookie basketball coach of the year according
to a survey conducted by St. Joseph's College. Cazzie Russell
commenting on the play of Bill Bradley: "My knee's getting
better all the time." Jim Brown and Rich Sanabria have been
invited by the NCAA as an independent tag team in the
wrestling championship in Nome, Alaska . .. Calvin Mur­phy
who is unhappy at Niagara will transfer to Fairfield
next year so that he can live near his Norwalk home. He
will be entering as a first semester . junior due to the fact
that his philosophy and theology credits will not be accepted
at this outstanding institution ... Tom Mullaney, president
of the Football Club, has predicted a winning season next
year. The season opens October 3rd with a series of scrhn­mages
against Marymount, Manhattanville, and New Ro­chelle
respectively. Sports Editor Joe Valerio has resigned
from The Stag to assume his new duties as assistant basket­ball
coach next season . . . In what is termed as a security
measure Fairfield Prep will open the gym for the use of the
university students from 1 a.m. to 6 p.m. on Friday and
Saurday nights only. Due to lack of space the Prep will be
conducting a chess tournament in the front gym for the
next three weeks . . . Athletic Director George Bisacca on
Fairfield's athletic facilities: "It must be good, we're the only
department that got a B rating in the Gourman Report."
Barber Interview
Oontinued from Page 4
early for some of that sun, surf
anci suds that you , people talk
about so much. We professors
are human, too, and I'd per­sonally
like to get back to . my
Vermont farm and grow a few
potatoes.
STAG: Do you have any hob­bles
or outside interests?
Dr. Barber: Well, with a
name like mine, I'm a natural
for the hair cutting racket. You
know they don't call me the
"Yankee Clipper" for nothing.
I really get a charge out of giv­ing
my children and grandchil­dren
crew-cuts.
STAG: How do you view the
admission of women next year?
few complaints this past year
with people who think they have
been clipped.
STAG: On the academic side
once again. how do you feel
about the reeent uproar over
philosophy requirements'?
Dr. Barber: You know, I per­sonally
don't see any changes
in the future. Now think about
it, who listens to proposals, es­pecially
ones as absurd ·as that
one. For example, I prpposed,
not long ago, to change the
name of this school to Mediocre
Manor, but they even ignored
. this obviously constructive pro­posal.
STAG: In conclusion. how
would you describe -the study of
philosophy!
Dr. Barber: Allow me to
quote Cicero on that subject.
This great Roman once ex­pounded
on this very subject
saying, "To study philosophy is
but to prepare oneself to die."
Page Eleven
Editorial Manger's Note:
Yes, Virginia, this issue
was an attempt at satire.
The Editorial Manage
Manager wishes to tha k
the Harvard Lampoo. t,
The Mothers of Invention,
Fydor Dostoyevsky and
Franz Kafka w i t h o u t
whose satanic inspiration,
not to ment ion his own
shameless plagrarism, this
already sleazy issue would
not even have had any fi l­ler
to pad or r edeem it. He
also wishes to take full re­sponsibility
for its some­what
depraved contents,
except for the hard-core
p o r n .o g r a p h y you are
about to encounter in the
sports section, which he
had nothing to do with.
He also thanks the follow­ing
people without whose
contributions this i s s u e
might not have attained
its uniquely warped per­spective
(Guess which one
did my column?)
-George Britton
Robert Burgess
William O'Brien
Thomas Merrill
William Borowicz
Michael Morrissey
John Hudson
Joseph Valerio
and Patrick K. Long
(Who is at last put in his
place).
"Get your facts first,
and then you can distort
them as you please." -
Mary Twain, May 1886.
"The most together part
of a newspaper is the ad­vertisenlents."
- Thomas
J e f f e r s. o n, September,
1772.
"The present-day yel­low
journalist refuses to
die!" - Kevin McAuliffe,
February, 1969.
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Dr. Barber: That will certain­ly
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won't it? Just think I could get
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hair-styling field. I won't have
to go through any extra school­ing
either. After a couple of
months of chopping and comb­ing,
I'll be pretty good. Never­theless,
I anticipate a few close
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rn fact, I've experienced a
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Lombardi To Guide Stag Gridders;
Drops Redskins Million Dollar Pact
Mulldaney Elated;
Players Apprehensive
By HOWARD COSELL
ED. NOTE: Mr. Cosell's ex·
elusive story will be featul.'ed
in all main news media. today,
and ls reprinted here with per·
mission.
After more than two solid
hours of badgering questions,
this reporter uncovered the
scoop of his sportcasting career
when, in an exclusive interview,
Hedgehog H. Mulldaney, Presi­dent
of the Football Club at
Fairfield University, a little­known
Jesuit school tucked
away in the woods of Connec­ticut
and commanding a broad
view of Long Island Sound, an­nounced
that he had lured Vince
Lombardi away from the Wash­ington
Redskins, and that the
famed grid mentor would begin
coaching duties on the obscure
campus in the fall.
Mulldaney revealed that Lom­bardi's
decision to spurn the
'Skins million dollar offer came
as he realized that the Stag
campus would finally afford him
what he had been searching for
all his life: a perfect place to
coach football. "It's like a dream
come true," Mulldaney quoted
Lombardi as saying. And, in­deed,
this reporter must admit
that the Fairfield campus would
seem to be a perfect place for
Lombardi to mold a new crew
of gridders to rival his past
Packer powerhouse.
Spartan Setting
Lombardi, a rigid disciplina­rian
who tolerates no "messing
around," was impressed by the
Spartan-like Stag setting, noting
the absence of any females who
might "take my boys' minds off
the game." "No 'big city' temp­tations,"
he added. He also
noted that the stringent curfew
regulations and tight dormitory
security provided a perfect
training camp setting.
"No fancy frills, I like that,"
he beamed. He also pointed out
that his scrimmages would be
free from the spying eyes of
enemy scouts. "Who would ever
look here?" he asked. Noting
the rolling acres and abundant
grass, he stated, "Now I know
why the Giants come here
every summer. If living here
doesn't toughen you up, nothing
will," he decided.
The new coach was also re­putedly
pleased with the famed,
rugged Jesuit educators and ad­ministrators.
"These are men
after my own heart," the gruff
grid coach grunted, "They run
a tight ship - keep the kids in
line, no demonstrations or
nothin'."
. "Big and Dumb"
Indeed, there are no hippy,
misfit types on the F.U. cam­pus,
there appear to be a solid
core of potential grid stars: "big
and dumb, that's how I like
'em," Lombardi mused.
Members of the team, when
told of Fairfield's sudden good
fortune, were understandably ef­fusive
about their new coach.
Rugged . lineman Tom Hulk
seemed to sum up the team's
feelings when he said, "Dis
could finally put us on de map."
s
T
A
G
SPORTS
·Page T v;elve, March 20 1969
HAPPY TOGETHER: Basketball Coach James Lynam cries,
"And they wouldn't let me play this year either." Lynam will
be back for another year of fun and games next winter,
SUPERDUPER: Vince Lomba.rdl will assume Head Coaching duties at Fa.irfi.eld next fall.
Stag 5 Snubbed By NIT;
Thrilling Year Reviewed
By GARY MARZOLLA and
JOSEPH VALERIO
Sports Editor
The 1968-69 Stag basketball
season came to an abrupt halt
on the Ides of March last.
Louisville, a 77-73 loser to
Drake, champion of the MVC,
earned the right to enter the
tournament of champions, the
N. I. T. Fairfield, on the basis
of its strong schedule, was
again snubbed by the Madison
A venue boys.
"With the departure of John­ny
Bach to Penn State," a
volatile Georgie Bisacca cried,
"I thought we had it locked
up." Not so, though.
The Stag five played some
great ball this past winter.
Facing one of the nation's most
rugged schedules, the Stags hit
double figures for victories.
They played their best ball
when the chips were down.
Incorrect Theory
Against a powerful FDU
combine, the Stags carried the
Knights from New Jersey into
overtime before losing by only
one little point! But their great­est
hour was in the Stag gym
against St. Leo's of Florida.
Though a homecourt advantage
is worth five points, our men in
red proved theory wrong again.
The Stags stayed with the
southern terrorists for 40 min­utes.
Unfortunately, this game
lasted 4~ minutes before def~at
visited Lynam's losers. After
the game, which was, .of course,
a moral victory, Ricky San­abria
was seen kissing his
sister, or was that his wife?
Still the biggest thrill of the
entire campaign w a -s t h e
Bridgeport home game. Despite
the fact that the Stags did
everything in their power to
chalk up another one in the
right hand column, UB was
even more psyched.
Smart money lost that night
as Sanabria piled up points, not
fouls, in the second overtime.
A dejected buch of Fairfield
fans, four or five, watched
Captain Jim Brown cut down
the net. As if one net wasn't
enough, Brownie (no pun in­tended)
cut down another to
completely humiliate the stu­dent
body, six or seven.
Undefeated Stags
Still, the cagers were un­defeated
in double overtime
games this year. A mark only
UCLA can match.
Next year's basketball pro­gram
will have a new look.
Ge.orge Bisacca has announced
that Fairfield will play the
national anthem before all
home games in the attractive
New Haven arena. "I think if
we could get a spotlight on the
flag it would be groovy," the
crew-cut director notes, "Also
~ heard that the kids want to
have Kentucky up here next
year. I say why not?"
Rumored Prospects
The famed lawyer (Bisacca)
has two 6-11 giants ready to
come here. "Silas Spaz said
he'd like to see Fairfield and
get a college tee-shirt if nothing
else," George explains. "But
I think we can really get
Timmy Tall, ace player at West
Anchorage High in Alaska, to
enroll here. If he puts it all
together, there's no telling but
he might just be another Billy
McGee."
, In final analysis, though,
Louis J. Catalano '70 said it
all in the Feb 13 issue of The
Stag. "Now (that the season
is over) is the time for the
students to come out and sup­port
the team, and especially
our fine coach, Mr. Lynam."
Peter Yaros
Selected As
Gager MVP
The Stag has selected Peter
Yaros the Most Valuable Player
of the 1968-69 cage season.
Yaros, a sophomore, scholarship
athlete, was the only player on
the Stag Five to get out while
the Stags were tough. Basket­ball
mentor James Lynam asked
Yaros to leave the squad before
the season commenced. Yaros
was not available for comment.