// i ""
All The News Th"at Fits We Print
,
",,,,,
~. a
.'
Maybe An nA"
.forts of six high-pressure hoses
to get him rolling to the city's
we11-filled jail.
Southern racists are trying to
discredit the demonstr.atioIL..b..y ..
pointing out that the Students'-"""";"'~""--lug
gag e had "Lauderdale and
Bust" banners on them. They also
complained of liquor on their
breath, but a certain Theology
teacher at the University is ac-cepting
the bonds as potential
'A's
A~other incident in which the
students were involved was a protest
to NBCs coverage ot' a contest
between Fairfield and The
Creighton University. At this
demo, there were no arrests, although
one of the Stags was hit
by a sidewalk.
n~)/HER[7
25 Pickets Picket
NEW ORLEANS (NCWC).
Twenty-five idealistic students
from. Fairfield Unive'rsity were
arrested here today. The' students
are being held in lieu of
$500 bond each, and are charged
with picketing and marching wijh-out
a license. .
Fairfield has long been a leader
in promoting and fostering the
civil-rights movement throughout
the country. These excursions are
conducted by the students at their
own expense, and they usually
take along with them a faculty
moderator. .
The demonstration was conducted
in a peaceful and orderly
manner, much as was the one
they conducted in protest to the
inequalities of the Connecticut
liquor laws last year in which
fourtee!l students were a!,rested.
The New Orleans police and fire
departments had to be 'called out
in forCe to drag the weary pro~
testors to the jail. They had
particular trouble with Lennie
"Minnesota" Gablotzchick, the
Stag's famoU!i 350 lb. tackle. Lennie
required the concerted ef-vation
centered around UB, is $24
worth of bagels.
The attorneys for the school,
(its basket'ball coach and theology
teacher) are promising a
court fight "all the way to the
Supreme Court Of The Inqui
·siton." Their efforts are being
hindered by many members of the
studentry whose motto is 'Let
'em Have It'.
Should the legal brain trust
fail to obtain a "itavorable decision,
the. school will be moved to
Via della Sandro where the Order
has established. squatters rights
since they kicked out the Medicis
in 1603. .
Fr. 'Custer's
Last Stand
The Federal Department of
Indian Affairs has contacted the
University to reveal that, under
the terms of a treaty that our
Founding Fathers made with the
Stagnole Indians in 1793, the Society
is to be deprived of the
grounds.
The Rag, in an interview with
the Administrator, has been told
that our top offering price to the
tribe, which now has its reser-
~~V~o~I~.~6~9,~N~o~.~6~9~·~~/~~I~~~~~~~~P~ub~I~ls~he~·d~B~v~T~he~Re~Q~ul~a~rS1aWffh.ich isa JoKe In Itself ;1 ~~,,~.~~~~~~~~~
Is Birth Control Really The Answer? Oil Discovered On Campus!
JUNIOR CLASS DEFIES Black Pha;;"toms Enter Racing
POPULATION EXPERTS · . leui.:~u:h:~~:~=~:
~I Igarding the equipment out lh.back
/ /The Administration met tOdaY~'..closed quarters to discuss the 'II 'Aofptrhiel. dAorsmnosodpiunrginrgepthoermteirdodf1tl,lo'ef .
//sudden influx of students .into. Junior class. The situation is 'Rag has ascertained that" con-' ...
' reported as desperateI ,Members f the efficient campus security t trary to popular belfef, the work
force have been interviewed thoughout the day to discuss the I is NOT in preparation for a tower
phenomenon, but as of yet the repohs ~re negative. . , supposedly to be used. to con-
. At the time of this writing, I I :trol drinking on the roof of Loyo-
(3 A.M.)nghts can still be seen' Camnus Pub I .la. In formeryears,star-gazers,
burning on the Hill, and shouts of 1 T I :light sleepers and the like have
desperation are heard occa- I , !wandered up to.the fourth floor
sionally. 1 Draws ABC _ I lounge in the weehours, but now,
This reporter has been given I , because the .reawakened chimes
an anonymous tip that all is not I I .have terrifying e,ffects upon dul-well
lJ.mong the members of the I 'Last Saturday night Fairfield's' I led senses, this practice has come
class. The various fractions in· lon-campus bar, The4492, was Ito an abrupt halt.
the recent elections are hurling 1 raided by the A.B.C. The raid I Another obviously false excuse
charg.es and counter-charges at came off at approximately 10:30 is "experimental preparation".
one another. (Above the din can be P.M. under the direction oftheArecently received teletype has
he a r d an occasional, "Now, State Chairman of the A.B. C., reported that a certai~ Jesuit prep
Misters!") Fights are breaking Mr. Cutt M. Off. Mr. Off's able school in Boscon has sunk four
out all over campus. assistant, Youv Ben Clost gave feet during the past fifteen years.
Meanwhile, next door, thepre- the following account of the raid. Sky hooks are being imported to
sent officers of the Student Coun- At 10: 00 P.M. last Saturday control this embrassing situation.
cil are barricaded in their of- Mr..,. Off's office received an As a reSUlt, it is the opinion of
fice, trYing to keep the hordes anonymous phone call from a many of the Fairfield students
out. As usual, they are blaming it man who refused to give hIS that the mysterious goings on are
. on The Rag. name but did reveal that he was . 'simply ground testing operations
The facts of the Armageddon from the Kremlin. The anony- to find out if the earth is capa-are
sketchy. The basic fact is mous caller reported weird '. I tile of' supporting a large struc~
that the enrollment of the class noises were emanating from the STILL AT. IT, the dril1s go on in there relentless earch for oil. on L ture PERMANENTLY. Constant
jumped from apprOXimately 275!rl campus bar. He 3,lso stated that campus. In the background can be seen a CKS me~ber with rifle 'xj probing and tireless investiga-to
well o.ver 500. '65ers have as- ,~d such harrendous names as Marx, guarding the work from interruption by errant stUdents. 0 tions have proved this theory to
sumed an array of identies' that "\5 Sartre, and Hegel were being I ~ be another falacy. . .
would have their own mothers.o thrown around loosely. Mr. Off's G G- F P.ub''. :0. It's oil! Yes, OIL!! It was the
guessing. Members of the class '(j secretary, Will Getu, assured the rant .v.n or ,0' obvious conclusion, but it took
made as many as five trips be- rl caller that .prompt actbn would . . ~ the intuition and keen insight of
tween Campion and xavier in the 0 be taken on the matter. . 0 a trained reporter to discover the
course of the day.. rx.. Mr. Off's crew arrived on cam- Y-0- -1-·.-9--.-n· -I-m- m-·-.'d.-a-t-.·"":Iy-' lSi" hidden truth. This fact has ex-
Terror is in everyone's eyes as pus at 10:17 P.M. Having been 1 posed the meaning of:many
distrust and fear reign. Room-. duly warned that the "Stags were'I I strange things happening on cam-mates
are set against roommates, restless" the raiding party ..,pus during the past year. .
high-school buddies against one equipped themselves with sUb- The New York Likker Authority was put to the authority was '.'Is I . For example, why haven't the
another, and cliques are now' machine guns and other light has through ca!tefulscreening de- the drinking problem that bad?" I maintainance men attempted to
discordant masses. artillery. The plan called for Mr. cided topresE$lt Fairfield Uni- The Authority replied in the neg- I cut through -the undergrowth of
The other classes are taking Off to enter the front door with 'versity with ~. grant to help in ative. "Then why don't" you want I' the Japan~se-{ Gardens and clean
the affair with varying attitudes. one half the crew while·Mr. Clost the bulld1i1g. Of a campus pUb. them there?" "Because we're too _I the romantic. rivulets out? The
The Freshmen are launching a and the other half would fortify The University) has been in need tired of;ge!ting.nickels instead o( reason is simple, it is off limits
"Save Fairfield" campaign, pro- the rear exit so as to prevent of this, for qui;e a long time for quarters In the.: toll station.' . in order to keep the drilling up
posing that members of their anyone from escaping. it has been laC~g in its attempt Even though this most generous there secret. Another thing, why
class be officers for the Juniors. . Mr. Off's crew crashed the to catch andpe apspassanother gift has someselfishconotations,haven't we had a certain May
The Sophs are heard muttering front door at 10:29 and was to-, institution of Ie rning that is run we sti.ll wish to thank the Author- holiDay? The answer to this took
under their breaths such things tally surprised to find that the by the Order. J. ity for the ten dollars which we a little research and extra work
as "Hypocrites," and "I told ya Stags werecircled around their The grant Wtl be given in two will use and enjoy with great but we found out that "the mote •
sol" The Seniors, on the other favorite bar-tender, Letz B. High, separate parts~to the Universi~y enthusiasm, looking towards the students they have walking around
hand really don't give: a darn, i listening to him recite the poetry so as to help efray the amount future social life of Fairfield back there, the more pressure on
except a fp.w idealists in the G.lass. .I of one Gasious Cassius. of money that 11 be given to the Vniversity. the liqUid treasure and the sooner
whO' are proposing flunking on I When all the artillery had been Government in he form oftaxes. it win surface to digging range.
purpose to run the class of '65. I returned to the squad cars of the The grant, ot course, comes $500 B d' / Edt
The tw.. o candidates .~or PreSl.- , A.B.C., Mr. Off and his crew with many stl'p·UJl..ations as to how . on ver)' ay coun s.
dent of the Student Government '1 returned to the 1492 and asked 'it must be uSlld. Primarily it (See OILfpage 2)
are staying out of the controversy , the patrons to disband for the will be used td seal a contract
and refuse to get embroiled. . evening due to the fact that he had witb a constru<t:ion company so
They were both seen last head- received a complaint about all the the bUilding of tllis pub will com-ing
for home crying for their noise (which was non-eXistent). mence immedia,ely. Secondly, the
Mothers and wondering aloud' Showing their irreproachable remainder of .tlJe money is to be
"'-here their class' ideals had gentlemanliness the Stags gladly used to equip tpis pUb with' the
flown to. (To this last, Sophs were complied with the State Chair _ usual articles po that the stu-
'heard cynically saying that they man's wishes. It is Mr. Clost's dents will have "methingto steal-never
had any.) contention that the Stags probably from it - afte~ all, it wouldn't
The crisis shows no sign of reasoned to themselves that an be like the realt~ingifwe couldn't
letting up, but summer should evening spent at the on-campus strip the placel clean. Thirdly,
resolve the differences as stu- swimming pool or theon-campus we must have the pub entirely
dents head for home and get away bowling alleys would be just as surrounded bY~ 497 tiers of
from the situation. As other enjoyable as the evening would signs - road s ns, store signs
crises that take place, the ever h"vp' been at the 1492. and the like bec use Connecticut
willing Apathy Club will take over and New York ate can't afford
and rule all as it usually does. iiiiiiSSSssSSSSSSiiSii' to continuously I replace these.
The fourth, and of course the
most important, Lf these requirements
is that w~ throw the biggest
***/2&' 'party that was ever
held in the histoty of this school
by the Administtation. This last
event has alrea~y been planned
and we hopethlJt the 16 people
will enjoy listenlflg to the 3piece
band (two flutes pnd a tUba) while
drinking their leflonade. .
When asked abfut the reason for
giving such a g,nerous donation
the Authority.~ NEW YORK
STATE said tha they no longer
wished to see t e younger class
of ConnecUcut ive. across the
state line for evening of fun
and frolic. The xt question that
I
I
I, --_ __.. ....-------...-.. ...J-.- ..------..--.... - .
Next time monotony makes
you feel drowsy while driving,
working or studYin~, do as
mi}Jions do . -. "
newspaper 'of that title. Are the
students here overburdened with
school work and too interested in
attaining high matks and making
the Dean's List? This may bethe
answer fol' a few fellows but
generally quite a number of sut,
generally qUite a number of students
find time to go out every
weekend. '
Judging from the two returned
questionaires (for, this was all
that we had to go on) the main
interest of stags is to quench a
thirst for knowledge and understanding
of the Fine Arts and
become acquinted with the aesthetic
beauties of life. Is this stagland
as you know it?
,She keeps you mentally
alert with the same safe refresher
found in coffee and
tea. Yet _'_' she _ is faster,
handier, more reliable. Absolutely
not habit-formiJ!g,
THE SAFEWAYto stay alert
without harmful stimulants
Page Eight
Stagland Sparetime
~ ,:,,:,,:.p~"'''''''';':''':''
\}'::::5':::;"'"
What is the main source of interest
to the majority of stags
, here at Fairfield? To be truthfUl,
we cannot give an accurate
answer to this question for we
have received no help from the
stUdents themselves. It seems
that al the beginning of the semester
'questionaires were distributed
to the members of each
of th~ four classes," and only
two completed forms were returned.
What was the reason for this
lack of interest? Was it apathy?
,No, for this' is supposedly a dead
SUbject here, at the University.
Was it embarrassment? Now I
ask you,. who ever ,heard of an
embarrassed stag, especially the'
Student Council:
The Final Blow
A~counts
- (Cont. from page 2)
bar was littered with broken liquor
bottles and there were several
traces of other alc,oholic
beverages throughout the Tap
Room.
Mr. Schwartz was released
from the hospital on the following.
day and he was requested to
appear before Judge U of the
Special Sessions Court to testify
against Mr. Bum.
Mr. Schwartz testified that Mr.
Bum had experienced analtercation
with his cousin, a Mr. College
Bum, over a young lday who
was the subject of both of their
enamorous feelings. Mr.
Schwartz regreted that he could
no longer festify due to the fact
that he had been struck by a
flying object at this time, which
hampered his ability to remember.
Mr. Bum was called to fhe
stand where he denied haying had
anything to do with the incident.
Judge U deliberated for about
an hour and passed a sentence of
Twenty Years on Mr. Bum for
inflicting a wound upon an innocent
customer who was seated at
a stool during the duration of
the incident.
The final meeting of the student
'Council opened to the strains
of "I've Been Working On The
Railroad," lead by engineer,
Casey Jones. Next on the agenda
was the "Heil" to the picture
of Ado-If on the wall. (This goes
exactly like "I've Been Working'
On The Railroad" only ithasdifferent
words). -
The Council then decided to appoint
the judddicial branch of t,
government. The appointments
,:will be announced after the in,
stallation of the Supreme JUdge
John Sullivan, due to the good
example he has set for the Stags.
President Davy Jimison then
attempted to get down to the business
at haUd. The council then accepted
motions from the floor.
'Sack Mat-a-gue moved that the
council purchase more ink for the
broken mimeograph machine.
The validity of this motion was
questioned by Tom Robertsrules.
But parliamentarian Jolin Hancock
said that because the time
was 6:30 Tom had no right to
question this because the meeting
had adjourned at 5:45.
Hence Davy had to call ameeting
for the next day. The Council
'assembled next day and when
role was called they' were very
surprised to find that there were
17 representatives abSent. Tom
Robertsrules questioned if they
had a quorum. But again John
Hancock injected that this didn't
matter since it was 5:30 and the
meeting wasn't to begin until 6:00.
After a wait the Council was
called to order. Sack again moved
to purchase some ink. Tom again
questioned this. The motion was
decided to be tabled but after a
discussion the council decided to
vote and consequently the vote
determined that the council would
discuss it. i After a ten minute
discussion the council again decided
to. vote and this vote proved
that further discussion would be
put 'off until next week. Ot was
tabled).
,At 7:30 a motion to adjourn
the meeting was accepted from
the floor. Tom Robertsrules was
hit in the mouth by another representative
before he cold object.
The move was seconded 30
minutes later. The motion was
discussed quickly and all the representatives
were sound asleep
by 3:30 the next morning.
I
Funnier Than
Funny-man Lenny Bruce and
his partner; Belle Barth, will give
interpretive lectures ofthe Film
Society's next selection,' 'To Bed
or Not To Bed" in August.
To acquire their services the
club has posted $10,000 bond with
the Sheriff's department of Las,
Vegas. ,(To ,prevent the same
tragedy that happened to the Business
Club when they performed
the same service for Skip Town's
lecture on "Ethics in Business",
members of the club will pick up
the duo at the jail.) ,
It is 'rumored that a certain
Brooklyn Decency League is planning
on picketing the film, but as
a countermeasure, the club is
renting dogs from the Birmingjlam
police department.
Is Lenny Bruce
Really Funny ....
The Class Of ~66
get lonely". We asked her to
c0ll!.ment on the oft repeated repor.
t that students don't take an
active interest in student affairs.
"This is entirely false" she said,
''because every time I walk past
Gonzaga there are at least 20
boys who are interested enough
to shout animal calls at me. This
may, seem to be a minor point,
but it shows the spirit in these
boys, 'and when they've grown up
I think that they will show an
equal interest at anything .they
do."
When asked what she liked most
at Fairfield she said that, "I
like the' potential the $chool has.
H not only has potential but it has
potential potential for even more
and greater potential. I love the
potential here at Fairfield." When
asked if she thought that this
potential was being realized she
answered "I hope not, because
now everyone talks about the'
potential of the school and if it
were realized it would be gone
and all we could talk about is the
New York Giants. If we established
a name for the school
such as the Place of Perpetual
Pot e n t i a 1, then maybe people
would stop refering to Fairfield
as the Home of New York Giant~
The Amazing Class of '66 is
going to conduct a lecture on "How
,To Run A Cir~us". This lecture
will take place at 11:10 Friday
morning. The ringmaster will
open the meeting with a prayer
to Bacchus, which always puts
the '66ers into a tumultuous state
of d.t.'s.
SUbjects treated will be under
the general title of "How to Win
Friends and Influence People."
It is hoped that the lunchers,
Playboy readers, sleepers, kibbitzers
and doodlers will give
their utmost attention at this last
colossal, stupendous, circus McGurkus.
The Class of '66 we are
sure feels regret at the passing of
such a great institution.
CAMPUS PERSONALITY
PAGE 11
Beatie Wigs:
69¢
Special!
CRACK OF THE WEEK: In the
constant vigil to scoop all the big
stories the RAG is pleased to
present this first bold step in the
complete' destruction of Campion
Hall. We sincerly hope that all
the good guys are out when the
,end comes, and as for our
enemies..... don't say we didn't
tell you.
'q
~
OUI: campus Pers9nll!1J~y tbis
week is Miss Irma' La~ Stagg,
who resides on the third floor of
Champion Hall. Few people realize
that a girl is living in one of
the dorms, and many are quite
surprised at such a radical innovation.
The answer, pf .t0urse
lies in the faot that th'e jesuits
have a firm belief in radical
innovation. It is common knowledge
ttiatjust because an idea is
new or different many clerics
consider it Wrong, however this
,order believes in giving it a tryto
.prove the merit of a ,sug-gestion.
.
When asked how it felt, to be
the only girl among so many
boys she said she "sometimes
found it, very hard but I never
mid 1800's. PAGE 5
, .
,
- ~ t- I
MASONITE
FOR THOSE WHO DON'T
KNOW WHICH ROAD'TO TAKE
.'
JOB' OPPORTUNITY
"NO MEDICINE WILL BE DISPENSED from the infirmary unless
all empty and partially empty c.ough bottles are returned."
Pu1;>Ii'Shed bi-week,ly by student'S of Fairfi.elod Doni,versity du,Ting
the ,:egul3ir Un~veTsity year except d u:rtng pJ.agu€s,
NO PREVIOUS BUILDING EXPERIENCE IS REQUIRED.
.
·ANYONE WHO HAS HAD ·MECHANICAL DRAWING IN
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
Clawd Freshguy
PHOTO EDITORS
Dirk 'Dennison
Bill Beehive
FACULTY MODERATOR
The Inquisition
ASST. 'TO EDITO'R
Ed'Shmock
MANAGING EDITOR
Shun Baloney
ADVERTISING
Jerry Bleary
PERSONIQ:L
Tom LeMans
NEWS EDITOR
Andrew Hogin'
John Zuzoo
CmCULATION
Yin D'Aliceandoh!
Bob Bullo
EDITORIALS
David Saurandt
Bert Mazzo
LAYOUT EDITOR
Who Did It and Ran
SPORTS EDITOR
Jeff Soup
FEATURES EDITOR
Leo Packrat
BUSINESS MANAGER
Skip Town
HIGH SCHOOL, CAN NOW APPLY TO THE DEVELOPMENT
OFFICE, FOR THE JOB OF DESIGNING THE NEW BUILDINGS.
STAFF
NEWS: Pierre Salinger, Nutly-Finkly. Howard K. Smythe. Arthur Crocked, Frink FuIla-whatski,
Thurston Davis.
FEATURES: Hugh Hefner. Minnesota Fats. R. M. Mergott. Dave Bannana.
SPORTS: Arthur Daly, Sterling Mossback. Eddie Ocaro.
PHOTOGRAPHY: Margaret Bourke-White. Twitchy LaFinger. Chic Nugget.
LAYOUT: Three blind mice. Mike DuMore.
TRANSPORTATION: Sky Baby III. White Phantom, Mergatroide, Merdock, Rat-fink.
•
I i
II\
' I II eI, II II II
"
I
i i ;
, ,
I II
Yours faithfully,
Higher Ideals '66
P.S. Who was "that man"???
Nice Guysl
Yours truly;
J. Edgar Huuver
To The Editor:
You guys on the RAG never say
anything nice about nobody. All
you ever do is to cut people up,
and never make any nice suggestions
about nuthing.
If I was the editor I would
write nice things about the 5Well
fellows around here and make
them happy. But all you ever do
is to complain about the things
that goes on here.
I am going to keep writing nasty
letters until you guys start to
say some nice things about all
these fine people we has got here
on this here campus. You are a
bunch of no good trouble making
kids that work to undue all this
here good work that us kids have
done.
gotten inta a fight with his cousin
Mr: College Bum over some
broad (minded girl.) He foither
testified dat a Marine jumped into
da fight to aid Way Werd. Fat
Mike's testimony ended here because
he claimed dat it was at dis
time dat he was hit over da head
by a hobo who goes by the name
of Old Crow.
Werd took dastand to defend
himself at dis time. He totally
denied all da accusations
made by Fat Mike and further
.stated dat he was being framed.
After carelessly weighing all
da evidence JUdge 011 Hang U
passed a 20 ye'ar sentence on Bum
for breach of ettiquette. Judge U
is married to Emily Post.
THE SECOND ACCOUNT
The evening calm was broken
last night when City police received
an urgent call from an
uprighteous citizen. The call was
made to Police Headquarters
concerning a sudden uprising at
Schwartz's Tap Room, located at
207 East Thirty-Third Street.
Police were met at the entrance
to the establishment by its owner,
Mr. Michael Schwartz. Mr.
Schwartz was in terrible condition
as. the result of a blow he
. received on his forehead with an
. unidentified object. A squad car
was su'mmoned to help Mr.
Schwartz to the Flower Fifth
Avenue Hospital.
Mr.' Schwartz haVing been·
driven to the hospital by New
York's Finest" other members
of the Force began to clear the
establishment of all undesireable
elements. Police reports disclose
that the instigator of the
affair was a sailor in the service
of the United States Government
aboard· the carrier Forest. His
name was Second Classman Way
Werd Bum. Police also recounted
that Mr. Bum was aided by a
fr)end 'who is a Marine~ also in '
the Service of his country. Both
these young men were treated at
Cedars of Lebanon hospital for
lacerations of the face and hands.
Mr. Schwartz's establishment
was considered to be demolished
according to police reports. The
(Cont. on page 3)
Find It Yourself
MCA Sweatshirt
Losers
To the Editor:
I would like to commend t1)e
on campus students at Fairfield
University for the excellent cooperation
they have rendered to
the campus cop. As a visitor to
the University, I couldn't help
but notice the many plesantries
that were exchanged between students
and the man-in-blue.
In this age of antagonism between
authority and those guided
by it,. the wonderful atmosphere
that I' have witnessed gives me
renewed hope in the youth of
America.
After reading this I hope you
get the idea that I am trying to
put across. The above situation
doesn't exist! You insolent ***
** kids!
:robe -AdAtiRi6t..~~ Ilas lijl~
1'9¥eS Hle- G9RSMlillHeR.
T.fie A.Qm~Fll~ Ilas R9i-ap~
1'9VeS t.fie €~it~~aad-ne-¥ei'
wHI.·
T.fie AstDwsk«49R HHglli- oot ,
a~~1'9¥e t.fie G9RSMlillHeR.
:r.fie A.Qm~PaHeR oOOtils Oh,
heck with it!
f Correct'on
,Yale Stag
Of Fairfield
Accounts Rendered
On Barroom Brawl
To the Editor:
I think that the Rag stinks. I do
not, in my humble opinion, firmly
and astutely believe, that you fellows
can wee~ after week, issue
after issue; time after time, again
and again, come up, spew forth,
disgorge, such inane, innocuous,
inconsequential, trite garbage,
rubbish, and manure.
I, sincerely, and honestly feel
that The Rag, while haVing such
~unded,unlimited~ inexhaustable
potential, has betrayed the
principles, ideals and goals ofthe
Fairfield stUdent, or ifImaysay,
the Fairfield stag. But, thenceforth,
however, The Rag must in
the future, but start now, in preperation
for THAT future when
Fairfield county / and even the
world, set forth a metaphysical
and socially academic responsible
utopian ideal that will carry
the name ofthe Fairfield Stag into
the future ages for all men to say'
that "that is a SChool."
So, take my advice, my ideals
and goals, and you cannot fail.
Name withheld
(But it should be obvious.)
To the editor:
I was overjoyed to hear the
chimes ringing at Fairfield again.
It sounded so traditional. Next to
Yale I have always liked Fairfield
the best. Have you ever
c~idered putting plastic Ivy on
the walls of the dorms?
Yours truely,
Wanting' Tradition '53
P.S. If you cut the antlers off the
stag it would look more like a dog.
PI Circumlocutes
In order to show our readers
what. high 'quality reporting and·
journalism they get through the
facilities of The Rag we are
publishing two accounts of the
same story; one as published i.n
the Rag and the other as published
by the NewJerk Times (that other
paper.) We have not even bothered
to label which a<;count was written
by which paper as we are sure
the fine workmanship of the Rag's
account will totally outshine that.
of the Times. The articles are
as follows. .
At 9: 17 last nite da cops pulled
into Schwartz's Bar and Grill on
the corner of Tird Ave. and
Tirddy-Tird Street to answer a
call they had got consoining a
rumble. The cops was met at da.
door by da owner of da dive who
goes by da name of "Fat Mike"
(Schwartz, that is.) Fat Mike was
in a frantic state and was shipped
off to, da hospital, (probably to
Ward Eight).
With "FatMike" out of da way
da cops began to break up da
rumble. It was found out dat da
guy who started da whole mess '
was a sailor by da name of Way
Werd Bum. It was foither reported
dat an unidentified Marine
was his accomplice. Both dese
guys was full of blood when da
cops pulled them from da bottom
of da rubble.
Da cops further reported dat
Fat Mike's place was a wreck.
Da bar was covered with all sorts
of booze and Mr. Schaffer and
Mr. Ballentine was well repre-.
sented pretty goodly too.
After all da rubbish got taken away
by .da garbage men da next
day and Fat Mike got out of da
hospital da cops summoned him to
appear at da trial of Way Werd
Bum.
- Fat Mike testified daE Bum had
Lynbrook High of 1..1.
'3) stanley J. Stanhope - 5'10",
276 Ibs. - Stan is the bulwark
of the Locust Valley High defensive
line. The stags only got
stanley after a fierce battle
with U.B. for the services of
the big linebacker. stan's coach
says of him: ··stan's' big."
4) Riley' 'Quick Draw" Baloce 6'
172 Ibs. - Quick Draw is the
quarterback from Harrisbut'gs
Clinton HighSchool, who gained
fame for his thrilling race to
the sidelines with enemy linemen.
strong and fast, Riley
could just fill the bill at quarterback
for the stags. He has
been described as "aballplayer's
spectator".
All of these former high school
greats can be seen in action July
22 when they scrimmage the New
York Giants on campus.
had about the same grades. Now,
in regards to extra-curriculars,
which are very important to any
school's admission policy: three
years of debating, two in dramatics
and both the French and
,Chemistry Clubs, the latter of
which you were president. Also,
I see you were elected to the National
Honor Society. That's not
too bad for our standards, Sammy.
Yimmy: Uh, it's ••• Oh, never
mind. After I graduate, I want to
go into medical research on either
cancer or leprosy. .
Fr: There both pretty rottin
diseases. Ha-ha,
Yimmy: Uh, yuh. ,
Fr: But the black mark,on your
.record is something we here at
'Fairfield cannot accept. We have
our standards you know. It's that
'65%.1Ii Theology.
Yimmy: About that, Father, it's
merely that•••
Fr: 'It's merely!' It's the most
important thing on this campus.
Why, the whole school revolves
around the subject. The most
active club on campus is the
Theology Club. And just think
what it will look like when you
apply to Georgetown or B.C. with
a poor mark in Theology. Now,
Yimmy, you must be realistic.
Yimmy: I plan to apply to
either Harvard or Yale Med.
Fr: In that case, go to Brown
or Princeton. We recommend our
best students to only brother
schools. You know, keep it in the
family.
Yimmy: O.K. Father. Thankyou.
Fr: Nice to have met you,
Tommy. Do you have a younger
brother who does well in Theology?
Yimmy: He's planning on B.C.
with a major iii Physics. But,
Father, I really had my heart set
on Fairfield.
.Fr: I'm sorry, but you know, we ,
have our standards to keep.
At this point, the Rag's tape
ran out.
Fr. James Bing S.J., Director
of Athletics of Fairfield University
announced Monday that Football
would be promoted to the rank
of a varsity intercoll~giatesport
on this campus next' year. At the
same time, Fr. '~j1ng announced
that the folloWing 'high school
~tars had been acqUired by the
stags:
1) Tommy Mambrino - 5'4", 102
Ibs. described as a real hustler
"with a lot of desire," Tommy
is an honor roll stUdent as
well as third string guard on
the Yaphank, L.I. High football
team.
2) Edwin "Fast Eddie" Whiteside
- 6'3", 147 Ibs., a mean,
hard-nosed end; Ed has been .
described by his coach as a
"crying shame of a ballplayer"
Ed hails from perennial power- ,
Stagland Goes Big
In BIG Way
Well, well, well There he is, that Dean of Admissions of Fairfield
University.
The Office of Admissions an-'
nounced today that 6' 10" "Yum-'
pin' Yimmy" Highpockets was rejected
for the class of '6~. The
Senior everybody's-all-star from
Catulla Prep in lllinois set all ,
national scoring, rebounding and ,
assists records on the highschool
level.
Fairfield was his only choice
for college. As soon as the word
of his rejection got out, the Ivy
League, Big Ten and other basketball
powers immediately put in a
bid for this young record-setter.
, The Rag, in an unprecedented'
first, managed to sneak a tape:
recorder into the Dean's office in
order to catch the interview.
Fr: "Well, well, well, here'S
that big boy from ..... Now don't
tell. me, let me guess. Ah, let's
see, Fairfield Ji>rep.: No? Maybe
Regis? Or B.C. Prep? Oh" you
say Cat~la Prep. Well, it's not
Jesuit, bUt it might do.
Yimmy: I hope so, Fathr. I
indUbitably want to play for the
Stags.
Fr: Oh, now Yimmy, this isn't
a basketball clinic. We're an
educational institution and we
must keep up our standards.
Yimmy: Well, Father, my highschool
record is pretty good.
Fr: Let's see. I have your
record right here. Hmm, a premed
course is your intention. In ,
high-school, you did, fairly well
with a 92% for four years in
Latin, 87% ,in Greek, and four
years of straight A'S in English.
Yimmy: I realize that these are
minor courses in regard to apremed
major, but they all count.
Fr: Well, Yimmy, you did pretty
well in your Sciences also, pulling
a 91% in Biology, 88% 1ri Physics
and an 89% in Chemistry. So,
Carl••~
Yimmy: It's Yimmy, Father.
Fr: So it is~ I'M sorry, Timmy.
,Ha-ha,
Yimmy: Whew!.
Fr: Yes, it does get hot up here
in the sprin • Yo~r oth~,t: courses
High SchoolAII-America
Rejecmd For Poor Grade
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OILI
"with tender loving care,"
If seems that the C~K.S. is in
league with the Big Boss. This
explains the, Saturday mornihg
tours which are arranged and
conducted by the organization as
a means of keeping some prospective
student and his parents
,from innocently stum!?ling, upon
'excavation and its br\ilal consequences.
As a sad note to students and
alumni, the building plan is a
front and the firm hired as construction
experts is actually a
team of mining and drilling en-.
gineers designing the most suitable
and profitable means of extracting
the elements and transporting
them. The oil wilJ,be used
to lubricate the high reving engines
of a newly est~blished Jesuit
sport car racing team; and disclosed
is the notice that as the
team builds up its reputation
various institutions controlled by
this group' will be closed to education
and transformed into oil
refineries to supply the ever
increasing number of speedsters.
What tipped u's off was the
hellish squeal of. tires as the en,
gine of a black Pontiac screamed
to life tearing through the night
air from up on The Hill. The
call was too mUCh, they had to
roll that night. , ' r------ -'-- --- - -,
I" ' . I
I WRATfPHYNQUE I
I I
I . I
.~--------------_:~,
Loyola Bell Tower had sounded ,
six hours. Due to the defening
tone in the magistrate's ear, the
court was adjourned until Wednesday,
April 29. The prisoner
was placed back in his escapeproof
cell in C-l03, until court
resumed.
April 29, 1964: The prisoner
was brought forward, and the proceedings
commenced as smoothly
as always. The prosecuting Attorney
again proceeded to press
charges. After haVing ample time
to present his case, the Public
Defender stifI decided that
silence was the best defense.
The Public Defender remained
silent even when the verdict of
"Guilty" was brought in.
Judge Bane steped forward to
present his verdict to the court.
If read as follows:
You, Joe Spruchanovitch,
aaahhhh, have been found guilty
as charged, aaaahhhhuh;' It is
therefor ~y duty, aahhhh, to sentence
you to 200 campuses,
aaaahhhhuh. "
An interesting sidelight into the
life.of Joe S., is that beinga
Senior at the U., he will be unable
to graduate with his' class.
Due to the lenghty proceedings of
the Court, he is over cut in three
major courses, and due to the lack
of food,he has lost 50 lbs. sofar
in the proceedings. . .
Since the decisions ofthe court
are final, and have to be carried
out as ordered, Joe S. will have to
return to good old Fairfield next
year to fulfill his sentence.
At that time, Joe hopes to appeal
hi~ case to the Supreme
Court, where he might have to go
through the same misery again.
,Naturally Joe S. will have to
spend his summer in the Hospital
to recover from dehydration,
malnutrition, and pneomonia all
of which he received during the
Court proceedings.
We are getting new Buiiding!i;
The food has improved.
The student 'Council is not
featherbedding!
Despite its condition, Campion is
the newest building.
Alice in Wonderland is not on the
University Index.
,The Gym was not left over from
World War I.
Townies will not attend the next
mixer.
There is no drinking on campus.
'Rugby is a gentleman's sporl
A lot of people are taking
TheolOgy next year.
The Bishop does have power over
the administration.
The Pope did like the statue.'
.action against them, he realized a
one man committee would be in'
adequate. Now with the friendly
greeting finished, Socrackpot was
given a haircut at 8:05.
At 8:06, the haircut completed,
the general chairman took his
place at the head of the table.
A vote was taken on the question
of running 1 or 2 dances during
orientation week (Morris's request
was for 2 dances). The r~
sult was five affirmative to five
negative with 10 voting. Asecond
vote was taken with five abstentions
due· to injuries with the
unanimous vote of five affirmative.
For the rest of the night, the
order of business went smoothly
and the concensus of opinion was
that the Freshman orientation
should be a bloody good time.
The meeting was now over;
Socrackpot donned his cloak and
derby, lit up a Corona-CoTona
and sauntered to the exit.
Orientation to be
a Bloody Good Show
WHO IS THIS MAN?
One bleak evening in April, a '
pontiac limosine pulled up in
Campion parking lot. An attendant
opened the rear door and out
stepped Morris Socrackpot, boss
l'_ of the Freshman Orientation
, Committee (F.O.C.).' Once on
level ground, Herr Socrackpot
immediately whipped the attendant
over the head with his staff.
Imagine, a plebian touching the
motorcar without white gloves.
Inside the Campion lounge, the
men on the committee were
fearfully awaiting the master's
arrival, hiding in closets, under
chairs and tables.
But Socrackpot was not a man
to be fooled and it took him only
an hour and a half to seek the
rabble out. Once found, the com- .
mittee men gave the boss the
familiar greeting of "heU"1
Two dissenters, J. Craigs}.;y
and T. Finnsky, were immediately
shot for refusing to resound
the friendly greeting. Of
course there were other dissenters.
but Socrackpot took no
Last week, Joe Spruchanocitch
was brought before the Student
Association Court. According to
the report submitted to the Court
Clerk, Joe had been charged with
sleeping past nine a.m. on Thursday
morning, April 23.
After the charge had been submitted,
Joe was arrested by the
Keystone Keys, and held without
bond, bail, or otherwise in the
Student Council ;Jail, which is
'located in C-l03. Under the Activity
Fee, there is no allotment
for food to prisoners. As a
result, Joe suffered f40m malnutrition,
which isn't unusual
here at school.
The following report was taken,
(and we mean taken) from the files
of the Court Steongrapher:
Monday, April 27: The court
convened at Sunrise in the Loyola
Bell Tower. The prisoner was
brought forth, under heavy guard.
After his shakles w.ere removed,
he was chained in THE CHAm,
which was already wired, in case
the court reached a sudden ver-'
dict. The session opened with
THE SONG, "Hail to the Wallaby"
After this formal opening of the
first session of this court, Judge
Bane got down to the business at
hand.
Spruchanovitch, realizing the
harm that could still come to him
as a result of this criminal act,
threw himself on the misery of the
court, (and proceeded to get
rY_ plenty of it).
"The prosecuting attorney Fr.
Hackersome, decided to accept
the plea, but insisted to "prove
this man's guilt beyond unreasonable
dOUbt, so that he may be
an example, dead or otherwise,
that justice prevails."
The Public Defender disliked
what he was in the Court, but
.decided to hold his peace until he
had more substantial material.
By this time, the bells in the
PAGE 12
Arrest And Trial:
90 Day Melodrama
