Mirror - Vol. 24, No. 17 - April 01, 1999

              Volume 24 Number 17 April Fool's Issue The Image of Fairfield Thursday, April 1, 1999
Controversial commencement
Lewinsky to address class of (99 and receive honorary degree
By Linda Tripp
INVESTIGATIVE
REPORTER
In a press release to-day,
Public Relations Director,
Doug Whiting, announced that
scandalous white house intern
Monica Lewinsky has accepted
the role as this year's com-mencement
speaker and will re-ceive
a Fairfield University hon-orary
degree at the ceremony on
May 23, 1999.
Monica's speech is still
in the works but we do know it
will discuss the importance of
internships as stepping stones to
future affairs, and the necessity
of boldly facing the ups, and
more importantly, the downs of
one's future.
In her speech, Monica is
also said to provide her top
ten tips for job advance-ment.
These will include ev-erything
from being pre-pared
with thong underwear
for any situation to perfect-ing
telephone conversa-tional
skills.
Students have
mixed reactions regarding
this year's choice. Walter
Barbaras '99 commented, "I
am psyched about Lewinsky
speaking at graduation. I
expected some no name
C.E.O. to bore us about the
future, instead we can get
the real deal about how it
was to sit on Clinton's staff.
Now that will get my attention Monica Lewinsky will be this
year's commencement speaker.
Lindsay Tripp '99
was not so enthused, "I
have heard enough about
this ridiculous scandal.
But, I guess it would be
cool if she wore the dress."
In addition to her
commencement address,
Lewinsky will be awarded
an honorary degree by
Rev. Aloysius P. Kelley,
S.J., "We at Fairfield be-lieve
strongly in Ms.
Lewinsky's future. She
has made intense connec-tions
in our nation's capi-tal
and we know she will
do anything to make it to
the top. Awarding her a
Fairfield degree can only
prove beneficial to our
pockets, uh...prospects,"
Kelley added.
It seems that even
Lewinsky is convinced that a
Fairfield degree will open her up
to anything that comes her way.
"I really like the fact
that Fairfield is a Catholic
school. I already love the idea
of learning in the Jesuit tradi-tion.
I am certain that I will be
able to find a job in no time with
my new 'good Catholic girl' im-age.
I mean this red and white
beret and these cool black beads
with this silver thing on the end,
totally make my outfit. And
that's a great start."
This year's com-mencement
exercises will be
held in the traditional spot out-side
Bellarmine Terrace on Sun-day,
May 23, 1999.
"Getting out while the goings good...99
By Adios Amigos
WHITE HOUSE
CORRESPONDENT
Presumably looking to
leave on a high note, Rev. Aloysius
P. Kelley, S.J. has announced his
plan to retire at the end of this
school year.
After unveiling a com-prehensive
plan last month to al-leviate
the problems the university
and students face at the beach, Fr.
Kelley seems eager to take off be-fore
the success of the plan is es-tablished.
"He's getting out while
the going's good," commented one
unidentified student. "This way he
is not responsible when the s— hits
the fan."
University president announces retirement
Despite sentiments such
as these, many believe that Fr.
Kelley simply became exasperated
with the onslaught of controversial
issues that have barraged his of-fice
this last academic year. Aside
from the beach situation, Kelley
has also been asked to review the
situation of Fairfield's janitorial
staff, currently outsourced to a
company that many believe is fail-ing
to pay them a "living wage."
Concerned University
Community Member Moe Money
bemoaned the loss of the president.
"I'm upset, I mean we made so
much progress with him. They let
us in his office and everything.
Now I feel like a Fairfield beach
resident for crying out loud, as
soon as graduation gets here we're
Administrators & board members say their goodbyes to APK. photo: PR
going to have to start all over president's departure may never be
aga•in.» known. In an unexpected move Fr.
The truth behind the Kelley has decided not to make any
type of public announcement or
even show himself outside of
Bellarmine to answer questions.
"It's unlike him not to
make himself available like this,"
said Prof. DanL. O'Letruccess. "It
makes me think that the retirement
wasn't entirely his choice."
Several students shared
O'Letruccess's perspective, stating
that the Board of Trustees was
probably not too happy when Fr.
Kelley publicly announced a beach
plan that would cost so much
money to implement.
"With Fr. Kelley gone,
students are probably going to
blame us too, for the rate hike that
they will face to pay for all this,"
said board member Rich
Continued pg.2
Inside this edition...
Fairfield appoints
new judical
officer,
see p. 2
Sodexho
employee grabs an
Oscar,
see p. 5
Fr. Kelley's
poolside
surprise,
see p. 6
Year-round
beach resident
wants in on
Clam Jam,
see p. 6
Two of
Fairfield's finest
arrested,
see. p. 7