Mirror - Vol. 18, No. 18 - March 31, 1994

              The
Fairfield MIRRER
Volume, Bass, Treble Sunday, May 22, 1994 April Fool!
Commencement speaker announced
Gloria Gaynor
Disco'diva
The Great Al will make
his first appearance to the Class of
1994 at commencement. A.P.
Kelley will be the graduation
speaker, beating out Jim
Fitzpatrick, Hillary Rodham
Clinton, Denny Dent, and Murphy
Brown.
"Money is a little tight
this year," said Gary Wilson, Public
Relations director. "We're hoping
to save the money that would have
gone toward a commencement
speaker and put it towards
renovating the new found ice rink."
Student reactions are
mixed. "I'm happy that I finally
get to see who Al really is," said
Lucy L. Bean. "After four years I
will finally be able to see the
president. Some people wait their
whole lives just tocatchaglimpse."
Others are not as excited.
"My brother and the Class of 1991
got Billy Joel," said'John Crew.
"We get Aloyisius. You'd think
after paying over $80,000, they
could use some of that money and
get a big name."
The decision
to have Kelley as
speaker was made by the
Board of Trustees and
Kelley himself.
"We decided
to have a low-key
speaker and save the big
names for the honorary
degrees since they are
usually overlooked,"
said Kelley. "I am
personally ecstatic
about being able to
speak to the graduating
seniors. My busy
schedule hasn' t allowed
_ me time to talk in four
years."
He also announced that
Heidi Fleiss, Elvis Presley, Joey
Buttafuoco, and Barney will
receive honorary degrees.
Fleiss will receive a
degree for her humanitarian efforts
working with the distraught and
mentally unbalanced of
Hollywood. "All the bad press she
has received can't overshadow her
enormous contribution to society,"
said Kelley.
Presley is being honored
for his never say die attitude,
especially with the introduction of
the Elvis Presley dolls. In thanks
for this recognition, he's agreed to
He's rested and ready
to give his first public
appearance in four
years.
auction his jumpsuits and belts and
the Denny Dent portrait and give
the proceeds to build acoffeehouse
on campus.
Buttafuoco will receive a
bachelor's degree for being able to
spell his last name and on his
successful release from prison.
"We didn 't want to let his name die
in the press," Kelley said.
Barney, the lovable
purple dinosaur, will receive the
Brian Torff music degree for
bringing music to children of all
ages. "It was a toss-up between
Bozo the Clown and and Barney,"
said Kelley. "Most of the seniors
grew-up watching Bozo, but
Barney is hotter today and will
garner more media attention."
The administration also
announced that graduate's families
will have to pay $10 a ticket for
commencement. The money will
go to place new grass down at
Bellarmine since it gets ruined each
year.
"We're sick of having to
replace the grass each year," said
Kelley. "It's time that the families
pay for the clean-up after
commencement."
...and you thought that the meal plan here was bad...
Introducing: Toilet-Bucks
Lou Spadaccini
Jeff Preston
Ass't Commentary Editor
& Staff Writer
In order to generate much
needed revenue, Fairfield
University will be implementing a
pay-toilet system beginning in the
fall of 1994.
All dorms and academic
buildings will be equipped with
pay-toilet units furnished by
Sodexho's parent company,
Murray's Plumbing World
International.
"We had to do something
to compensate for the smaller
tuition increase this year. It was
either pay-toilets or 30 cent wings
in the Stag-Her," commented one
administrator.
The pay-toilets will cost
25 cents per use. The fee can be
paid with quarters or through a
unique ID system.
Students will be able to
gain toilet access by running their
ID cards through a scanner rather
than carrying around the correct
change.
The "Toilet Bucks"
system is designed to make the
adjustment to pay-toilets as easy
as possible for students. At the
beginning of each semester,
students will have the option of
choosing from a variety of pay-toilet
plans designed to suit
different needs.
There will be the standard
19 flush plan which is mandatory
for all freshmen. Upperclassmen
will have the option of choosing
The writers test the new system in a
pay toilet simulator in Tempe. A/. photo: C. Folchi
by not flushing," said the
administrator.
Another controversy
rages over how to best equip the
townhouses with pay-toilets.
Rumors are circulating that the
University plans to remove the
individual bathrooms from each
townhouse and replace them with
one common facility per block.
Residence hall students
feel that it is only fair that the
townhouse residents also be
equipped with pay-toilets.
Residence Life has agreed
to assemble a committee of
students, faculty and administrators
to address these growing concerns.
According to the
administration spokesperson, pay-toilets
could only be the beginning.
"If the pay-toilet system is
successful it could open the
floodgates to many other bathroom
concepts. Pay-showers, pay-sinks
and rationed toilet paper could all
become part of Fairfield's long-range
bathroom plan."
between the 19, 14, 10 or 5 flush
plan. (Warning: the final option is
considered by many physicians to
be unhealthy.)
Student reaction to the
pay toilets have been mixed. "The
whole experience will be better
now that we have to pay for it. I've
been meaning to plan out my
bathroom schedule for a long time
and this gives me a good reason,"
said Claude Bahls, '97.
Others expressed concern
over the potential problems. "I'm
afraid many students will try to
save money by going outside and
that could ruin the bushes
surrounding the residence halls,"
remarked Scooter Fitzpatrick, '70.
In the coming weeks,
R.A s will be holding floor
meetings to answer some of the
questions surrounding pay-toilets.
So far, the most commonly asked
question is whether or not Toilet
Bucks are transferable. The answer:
students will be written up if they
are discovered using Toilet Bucks
that are not their own. Toilet Bucks
are not refundable and unused
flushes will be revoked at the end
of the year. Students caught
breaking the rules repeatedly will
lose bathroom privileges after the
third offense.
There are still some kinks
in the system that need to be flushed
out. For instance, should students
be charged per flush or per squat?
"We don't want to have
to deal with any unruly people who
will take advantage of the system
Spring break saviors
Amy Freedman
Staff Writer
Little did four Fairfield juniors know that their vacation to
Cancun would be a test of their ability to save another's life. OK, so
it was a decent looking female, but there's no doubt that they would
have done the same if it was a male victim.
Dan Mangan had been watching the sunrise and he'd also
been watching as two girls on the beach ran into the ocean. Dave
Godwin and Dennis Guerreiro came running out, along with Mike
Egmont. As the sun began to rise, the boys saw more clearly the girls
in the water. There were not only two ofthem, but four. The boys were
in luck, and headed down towards their prey.
The boys then coolly took of their shirts...This was enough
for any girl to lose control. As the girls turned to look, a giant wave
struck them, and they were lost in the raging ocean. The boys watched
as the three girls frantically searched for their friend, who was missing.
They strode towards the girls, and once in the ocean searched for the
missing girl. Dave saw a bobbing head, and motioned to the others. All
four of the boys swam towards the body.Dennis got there first and
broughtherto shore. Dan, started toperform CPR with enthusiasm and
Dave helped with the chest compressions. Mike yelled at the girl to
wake up.The girl finally started coughing. They were promised a
reward from the girls, which only turned out to be a night at Fat
Tuesdays on them. What really mattered was that these pretty girls
with the G-Strings were going to be seen on the beach again. After all,
that's what Spring Break is all about, giving and receiving.