Mirror - Vol. 16, No. 21 - April 09, 1992

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Volume 254, No. 4000 It's April 9, 1992. Do you know what day it is? The Mirage of Fairfield
President of Society for Criminally Insane
Named Commencement Speaker for 1992
Newman, Joel decline invitation to speak; Administration responds with "We didnft really want you anyway"
C.S. Louis
Edifice-in -Chains
When Paul Newman de-clined
an offer to speak at Fair-field's
1992 commencement cere-mony,
the University began to get
a little nervous. When Billy Joel
refused to do a return tour, the
Administration turned frantic.
They began to scramble for a third
option.
Their prayers were an-swered
when Frederick von Kreu-ger,
the President of the Society for
the Criminally Insane, accepted the
invitation.
Von Kreuger, chosen by
Rev. Aloysius P. Kelley, Univer-sity
President, will address the
Class of 1992 on Sunday, May 17
at Bellarmine Terrace, under
maximum surveillance.
Fr. Kelley's selection of
von Kreuger was based on recom-mendations
made by students,
faculty, and administration.
"We were fortunate to get
Mr. von Kreuger," commented Fr..
Kelley. "Actually, having him
speak at this year's graduation is
extremely appropriate. I feel that
this year's graduates will be able to
identify very closely with von
Kreuger."
Von KreugerV'Get Ugly"
campaign has swept the
nation and caused quite a
stir among Fairfield stu-dents,
particularly the
class of '92.
"I am so psyched
that von Kreuger is com-ing
to Fairfield for our
graduation," said one de-lighted
senior. "He has
been my mentor ever since
I read his book, If You're
Ugly and You Know It
Clap Your Hands."
Indeed, students
here at Fairfield and
across the nation have
been caught up in the "Get
Ugly" craze. Movements
to close down clothing
chains such as the Gap, J
Crew, and others have
been quite successful, as
these stores have since
been replaced by more K-Marts
and Bradlees Su-perstores.
Von Kreuger has risen
through the ranks from mildly
disturbed cellmate ofCharles Man-son
to his latest position as Presi-dent
of the Criminally Insane
Society, which is located in down-town
Fairfield. He will discuss his
current status with the graduates,
as well as recruit volunteers for his
upcoming experiments
with laboratory humans.
The University
is awarding von Kreu-ger
an honorary degree
in abnormal psychology
for his work on himself
and his case study en-titled,
"Beauty is only
skin deep but ugly goes
right to the bone."
Traditionally,
the nomination for com-mencement
speaker
goes to someone who
embodies the Jesuit ide-als
and the ideals fo the
University.
This year, how-ever,
the University
adopted the motto of
"Dare to be Different"
and decided to invite
someone who not only
does not embody any
ideals, but who is a
menace to humanity, "Just to see
how it goes over with the alumni,"
said one faculty member who was
on the speaker selection commit-tee.
The Univeristy will also
grant an honorary doctor of laws
on Raymond Burr for his T.V. por-trayal
ofPerry Mason, an honorary
doctor of philosophy on baseball
great Yogi Berra, and an honorary
doctor of English on heavyweight
convict Mike Tyson.
"This year's speaker
should generate even more public-ity
than last year," said a represen-tative
of the Graduation Commit-tee.
"After all, Billy Joel is only a
rock 'n' roll entertainer, and Paul
Newman just markets salad dress-ing.
But Von Kreuger is certifia-bly
crazy and a proven threat to so-ciety.
This will put Fairfield on the
map for sure."
Von Kreuger plans to
"hang out" with the class of '92
before and after the commence-ment
ceremony. Rumors that he
will play his accordion concerto at
the Parents' Dance, however, have
not yet been confirmed.
President George Bush
Confronts his own
" Pee Wee"
Claims to have been lookingfor Contra
documents; "Yeah, right," advisers say
Larry Appleton
New York Times Correspondent
President George Herbert Walker Bush joined the ranks of
Paul "Pee Wee Herman" Reubens Wednesday night when First Lady
Barbara Bush and ABC Newsmen found the President in the press
room with the lights off engaging in some "extra-curricular" activi-ties.
When the newsmen and the First Lady entered the room, Presi-dent
Bush seemed startled, saying that he was looking for the lost Iran
Contra files.
As word spread throughout the world, many world leaders
seemed disturbed. Boris Yeltsin stated, "When I accept this new
monetary aid package plan, if you think I'm shaking his hand you're
crazy."
Barbara Bush would only comment on the incident by saying,
"George was only looking for papers, nothing else."
Dan Rather of CBS News seemed rather delighted about the
incident. Rather was quoted by ABC News as saying, "I can't say I'm
mad. I think it's rather funny. How many times do you catch your
President with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar?"
It is hard to determine whether or not this incident will have
an effect on Bush's chances of reelection.
Some within the metropolitan area were actually pleased with
Bush's actions. A Brooklyn man, asking only to be called Joey, said,
"Hey, I think it's great. This shows the rest of them Democrats that
this Bush guy is just as normal as the rest of us. He's got my vote."
On the flip side, a lawyer form Central Park West said in
Midtown today, "I think it's absolutely appalling. Grown men do not
do such things with their time. The President should be out cleaning
up the streets and eliminating crime, not filandering in the Oval
Office."
Sources say that Bush will be going to his Maine home for a
few days to recover from the most embarrassing situation in Presiden-tial
history since the time a President vomited at a national banquet.
ABC News will talk more about this situation tonight on The Ameri-can
Agenda: "Presidents and What They Do after the Press Confer-ence
Ends."
The Crash of '92: A student jumped out of his townhouse window yesterday after finding out that
the 96 credits he earned from Flaming Rainbow College are not accepted by Fairfield University. He
was unhurt, however, as he landed on Fr. Kelley. Fr. Kelley was rushed to the Infirmary, administered
Tylenol and some salt to gargle, and subsequently released. The student remarked, "It was just one
of those days. If the credits fiasco had been the only thing that went wrong, it probably wouldn't have
bothered me. I'm just glad Fr. Kelley wasjogging by at the time, otherwise I might not be here today."
photo: Al Kelley