Mirror - Vol. 14, No. 20 - April 05, 1990

              THE
FAIRFIELDMORRON Volume 13, No. 666 Thursday, April 5, 1990 April Fool's Lampoon Issue
Etheridge, Indigo Broads Cancel Concert
Melissa turns out to be a man after all!
William W.
"William" Williams
StaffInfection
High ranking FUSA party
members announced today that
plans for the Indigo Girls/ Melissa
Etheridge concert have fallen
through. The Spring Concert will
instead feature British songwriter/
vocalist / keyboardist / gynecolo-gist
Elton Joe, and Raging Death
Records artists Satan's Hemmo-'
roids.
Etheridge was forced to
cancel her U.S. tour following a
massive overdose of male
hormones that she had been taking
in order to improve the "husk" in
her voice. In a released statement,
Etheridge maintained that after her
recovery she will resume touring
under the name of Matthew Eth-eridge.
On a lighter note, she did
mention that she has improved her
bench-press by 275 pounds.
When Elton Joe, famous for
his songs "Alligator Rock," "Like
A Candle Breaking Wind"and
"Saturday Night's All Right For
Sitting Around In Front OfTheTV
Eating Sour Cream And Onion
Chips And Yankee Doodles If
Chicks Don't Dig You," was signed
as the replacement headliner, the
Indigo Girls pulled out.
"The Indigo Girls wouldn't
play with Elton," claims concert
director Lick Peabody, "because
they both suffer from pianist envy.
They said that their equipment
wouldn't fit dn the same stage
unless Elton left his organ at home."
Other space considerations
questioned Elton's need to display
his large eyeglass and silly hat
collection while he performs.
When informed that Elton
was taking her place, Etheridge
responded, between curls of a sev-enty-
five pound dumbbell, "Big
deal. I can still take him. Me much
bigger. Me much stronger. Me win
Grammy."
Satan's Hemmoroids were
then selected to fill the opening act
void. Fresh off of a tour with Black
Sabbath, Slayer, Natas, Beyond
Possession and Celtic Frost, the
'Roids decided that Fairfield's
Catholic heritage made the school
the "the perfect place" to play.
"It's about time the other
side of the story got some air,"
exclaimed bassist Armaggedon
Jones. "The Dark Master will be
pleased."
"We're very, very excited
that these two artists are coming to
Fairfield," exclaimed former
FUSA president Thorn Pellegrino.
Elton Joe: "I wish my brother Reginald wuz here..."
"Very, very, very excited."
The band's latest album,
"Haunted Hemmoroids In The
Graveyard Of Discomfort," con-tains
the hit songs "Piles Of Pos-session,"
"My Behind Bums Like
The Lake of Fire," and "Bust A
Movement."
While the band's album has
won both critical and popular suc-cess,
the 'Roids insist that they
have more to say than Rock and
Roll is good-time music. There'
also a message for the youth of
America.
"Satan always gets a bad
rap," said Jones, his head spinning
like a lathe, "but no one ever thinks
that he has wants, needs and red-hot
inflamation just like everyone
else."
"The Price of Evil may
hold court on a throne made of
human skulls, but not too many
people know that he actually sits
on a big padded O-ring cushion."
"We're very, very excited
that these two artists are coming to
Fairfield," exclaimed former
FUSA president Thorn Pellegrino.
"Very, very, very excited."
In addition to a stage show
that will include lasers, floating
tables and free tubes of Prepara-tion
H, the 'Roids also have a
human sacrifice planned.
"We've played other col-leges,
but we've never been able to
pull off the whole virgin sacrifice
thing," claimed Hemmoroids
singer Skip Bloodfeast between
bites of a rat's head, "but in light of
the "wide selection we have here,
we might forgo the music and just
make offerings for the entire set."
"We're very, very excited
that these two artists are coming to
Fairfield," exclaimed former
FUSA president Thom Pellegrino.
"Very, very, very excited."
Tickets for the concert have
already gone on sale, so if you're
still reading this, they've probably
sold out. The concert will be held
in Alumni Hall on April 5th - wait
a minute, that's tonight!
End of article.
Plans for Parking Plaza Proceed
Jim Beam
GhostWriter in the Sky
Earlier today administration
officials at Fairfield University
unveiled a radical new plan to help
counter growing parking problems
at the University.
The plan calls for a multi-tiered
ramp garage to be built in the
location where the current Recrea-tion
Complex is located. The
Recreation Complex wil be moved
to the present location of Fairfield
Preperatory High School. The high
school will be closed down and the
earth around it scorched and salted.
Money to fund the cost of
the garage, which has been esti-mated
at close to $14 million, will
come from money that is usually
reserved for financial aid.
Also, students can expect a
tuition increase of five-thousand
dollars.
The ramp garage will also
have the added feature of allowing
students to park according to ma-jor.
Administration officials cite
this as an incentive to declare one's
major as soon as possible, in order
to get a parking space.
As one official said, who
wished to remain anonymous,
"Those of you who are undelcared
simply will have no where to park."
Students will have the op-tion
of purchasing year-long valet
parking with their parking plan.
Department heads will be required
to park cars for students of their
major during office hours.
Claims formerFUSA presi-dent
Thommy Pellegrino, "I'm
really excited about the new park-ing
garage. I'm really, really ex-cited."
One source very close to the
Administration explains the radi-cal
change in the Administration's
thinking. "Although we still feel
this is a pedestrian campus, we
realize that most people don't like
to walk. We feel that we have an
obligation to help the more sloth-ful
members of our campus soci-ety."
What are student' s thoughts
regarding this major change in the
structure of our campus? One
senior says, "Being a more slov-enly
member of our campus soci-ety,
I'm very pleased with the
changes. A five thousand dollar
increase in tuition is well worth a
parking space."
Vanna Gets Snagged
Bilg Off
Features Insect
Vanna White, Morron copy
editor.and former hostess ofWheel
of Fortune, resigned this week af-ter
allegations of corporate theft.
"I've never stolen anything
in my life," White maintained, as
security officers handcuffed her
and dragged her by her ankles from
the Morron office on Gonzaga
Ground.
White has been accused of
skimming vowels from the master
copies before the Morron went to
press.
"At first we noticed a few a's
and o's that were missing," said
Morron Editor-in-Chief
AnnMaBrie Puckhaber, "but when
e's,i,'su's and sometimesy's were
gone, we knew something was
afoul."
This is not the first time that
White has been implicated in "let-ter
running" schemes. Earlier this
year she was caught trying to add
even more^"r's" to the word
"Registrar," and was given five
weeks ofprobation. White fulfilled
her public service plea-bargain by
showing dyslexic school children
how to use a Spill and Spell.
"I've changedmy evil ways,"
White said, as security officers
repeatedly struck her about the nose
and cheekbones with a rolled up
garden hose. "Sure I've stolen an
office stapler or shaved an 'o' here
and there, but who hasn't?"
"After all, I'm only hmn."
Reaction on campus has been
mixed.
Thhomuz Pellegrino, former
FUSA president: "I'm not sure
what's going to happen to Vanna,
but what ever the outcome is, I'm
sure that I'll be really, really ex-cited
about it. Really, really ex-cited."
Chrissie McSherrie, FUSA
president and student government
convention stud-muffin: "Hey, if
Thhommy P.'s excited, you know
my nipples are as hard as rocks."
Danielle "Guid" LaCroix,
confused freshman: "Huh?"
Michelle Devitch, Jogues
love goddess: "Criminals like her
give us blondes a bad reputation as
unintelligent bimboes. I am mor-tified.
What did you say her name
was?"
White' s former employer and
one time lover Pat Sajak has of-fered
to assist the prosecution in
any way possible.
"Vanna's a nice kid with a
terrific set of consanants," Sajak
said, "but say 'Maui,' 'spoonful,'
'spooge' or any other vowel rid-den-
word in front of her< and she's
your's for the night. She's just got
no self-cntrl."
Although vowel theft has not
decreased noticeably since White' s
arrest, Pckhbrinsisted the the Mrrn
will still press charges, "just to
show people that these knds of
thngs are taken vry srsly around
hr."
Inside...
Fairfield Feces: Chris Brown
on why everyone hates his
brother
Greg and Geoff Golub re-vealed!
"You're right! We are the same
person."
Craig Nowak's gun cleaning
tips -"Never put your mouth
over the barrel."
T'BUNGA 's LP - Loud, Proud
and Well-Endowed
The Cac's skating tips
BUM - "Nothing to complain
about this week."
Lampoon Issue!