Mirror - Vol. 09, No. 29 - March 27, 1986

              The
FairfieldHORRORV
Volume WWII, No. 8:00 a.m. Sunday, December 7, 1941 The Image of Fairfield
Pet Sematary
found in Bannow
by Stephen King
Horror oozes from the room in Bannow.
The men's bathroom on the second floor.
In a startling discovery, reporters unco-vered
a burial ground for cats, and possi-bly
other creatures, in the ceiling of the
men's bathroom less than 50 yards away
from the university Biology Department's
morgue.
The morgue contains laboratory-animal
specimens which include cats, sharks,
frogs, sheep brains, and fetal pigs.
A laboratory instructor, who asked not
to be identified, told Tlw Horror that she
frequently heard cat meows coming from
the morgue, and on occassion, she had even
heard cat noises coming from the bathroom
in question.
The discovery of the pet sematary in the
men's bathroom, the source said, might ex-plain
some of the specimen disappearances.
It is due to the disappearances that the
university bought at least twice as many cats
this year, said a specimen supplier in town.
The men's bathroom, which janitors say
has been plagued with odors not of human
origin, has created havoc for the custodians.
Paul Borman, a weekend janitor, said,
"I could never figure out why I hear rustling
in the rafters. I just clean the damn room
and get out." When asked where he relieves
himself, Borman said, "I don't go in there
unless I have to. There's a John down the
hall on the faculty side, and that's far enough
for me."
Borman said he tried to report his suspi-cians
to his supervisors, but was laughed
at, and threatened. Borman said, "Those
guys over in maintenance said I might have
to spend my entire shift in that room. Hey,
I got a wife and three kids. I'm not risking
my neck. I'll shut up and stay out of there."
James Fitzpatrick after his recent coup d'etat. [Photo by Johnny Rotten]
Bellarmine Parking Approved
By J. Thomas Draper
In an effort to alleviate the ever present
parking problems on campus the Board of
Trustees has unanimously approved the raz-ing
of Bellarmine Hall. The plans call for
a new four tier parking port to be construct-ed
by the fall of 1987. According to inside
sources the many people that now work in
the Fairfield mainstay are excited about the
change.
"It's the greatest razing since the drink-ing
age."said P.J. DeFicit. "We're all tick-led
pink to have valet parking on campus."
AloysiusP. Kelly,S.J., the current Presi-dent
of the University is rumored to be un-happy
with the changes. The plans have
called for a new job description for the
President. Along with his regular respon-sibilities
of meeting with alumni, attending
luncheons and generally raising the image
of the Stag, the Padre will now be expect-ed
to park cars and ticket violators. Also
he will no longer have 125 reserved spaces
on campus.
Father Higgins, currently second in com-mand
at the Bellarmine Base is more excit-ed
about the changes. "Heck I've been here
for years. I'm looking forward to driving
other peoples' Mercedes and Cadillacs at
gue.'.s-who-may-care-speeds. It's good for
morale to mix up the responsibilities a bit."
Most of the offices will still be located
on the Hill. As newly appointed Trustee Ja-son
Robards put it,"We wanted the school
to have a survivalist image, sorta like Max
Dugan. We decided to put admissions in an
army surplus tent, fully equiped with cots
and lots of good hot coffee and donuts. Sorta
like 7-11."
Accounting and Finance designations are
yet to be determined. Several local experts,
experienced in college parking lots have
speculated privately that these departments
will probably find their way into the base-ment
of the Campus Center next to what
is currently the Large Green Dumpster.
Demolition is set for March 30,1987.
A roving Mirror reporter spots the comatose feline in a deteriorating state. And it ain't no joke!
[Photo by Stephen Humorless]
Fitz takes over, ousts Al
by Stephen J. Humes
One university official look COM10J ol the
university's Board of Trustees meeting last
Friday, declared the Board dissolved, sus-pended
the president indefinitely, and an-nounced
himself acting president.
James D. Fitzpatrick, director of univer-sity
activities, issued the following state-ment
Monday: "Effective immediately, the
university activities department has as-sumed
total control of all operations of the
university." Fitzpatrick cited last Thursday
night's meeting as the reason.
Fitzpatrick said, "I was at home and it was
very late. I knew the Board of Trustees
meeting was still in session and that they
were drinking alcohol and thinking bad
thoughts. Such behavior is totally unaccept-able
by standards of Fairfield University."
Fitzpatrick met with Aloysius P. Kcllcy,
university president, on Friday at 12:30
p.m. Fitzpatrick said, "I suspended Fr. Kcl-lcy
indefinitely, and I recommended the im-mediate
divestiture and disinvestiture in
vestments, the Jesuit vestments." Fitz-patrick,
who stood wearing black boots,
pantaloons, and pacing feverishly around
his office, mumbling in broken German ad-ded,
"I know I got ugly, but I did what I
felt was right for me and the homeland-
Fairfield University. Besides I hate those
collars the priests wear. Why won't Al dress
like the rest of us? Take Fr. Mooncy for
example. He doesn't dress like a priest, and
he shouldn't." "Achtung! Ich bin dein
Fuehrer!
Fitzpatrick said he plans to dictate every-thing
on campus, by the authority he gives
himself, and the authority he receives as
director of university activities. Some of his
dictums will be issued to control alcohol,
dress code (brown shirts only), visiting
hours (none), durations of public meetings
(three minutes), and free sex (only if he is
present). The Jesuit priests, according lo
Fitzpatrick, will begin to say Mass in a
dead-German dialect. The eucharistic wafer
will be replaced with pretzels, and assort-ed
sauces will be graciously provided for
those in attcndcncc for pretzel dipping.
And the new modern language require-ment
has been modified somewhat, accord-ing
to the Fuehrer who declared his name
changed to Fitzburgcr. Effective immedi-ately,
the languages available for study on
the undergraduate level will be Intro to Ger-man
101, Intermediate German 201, Ad-vanced
German 281, and Me and Jesse
Owens by the Fuehrer himself. •
And all those who fail to pronounce his
name correctly will sleep in intensely-heated
rooms, said Fitzburger.
The Board of Trustees will never be
reestablished, said Fitzburgcr, as he is cer-tain
one man can govern must more force-fully
and efficiently as can 36 people.
Furthermore, Aloysius P. Kelley probably
won't be reinstated until he can prove he
knows how to run the university properly,
the Fitzburger way.