Page 1 |
Previous | 1 of 12 | Next |
|
small (250x250 max)
medium (500x500 max)
Large
Extra Large
large ( > 500x500)
Full Resolution
All (PDF)
|
This page
All
|
The FairfieldHORRORV Volume WWII, No. 8:00 a.m. Sunday, December 7, 1941 The Image of Fairfield Pet Sematary found in Bannow by Stephen King Horror oozes from the room in Bannow. The men's bathroom on the second floor. In a startling discovery, reporters unco-vered a burial ground for cats, and possi-bly other creatures, in the ceiling of the men's bathroom less than 50 yards away from the university Biology Department's morgue. The morgue contains laboratory-animal specimens which include cats, sharks, frogs, sheep brains, and fetal pigs. A laboratory instructor, who asked not to be identified, told Tlw Horror that she frequently heard cat meows coming from the morgue, and on occassion, she had even heard cat noises coming from the bathroom in question. The discovery of the pet sematary in the men's bathroom, the source said, might ex-plain some of the specimen disappearances. It is due to the disappearances that the university bought at least twice as many cats this year, said a specimen supplier in town. The men's bathroom, which janitors say has been plagued with odors not of human origin, has created havoc for the custodians. Paul Borman, a weekend janitor, said, "I could never figure out why I hear rustling in the rafters. I just clean the damn room and get out." When asked where he relieves himself, Borman said, "I don't go in there unless I have to. There's a John down the hall on the faculty side, and that's far enough for me." Borman said he tried to report his suspi-cians to his supervisors, but was laughed at, and threatened. Borman said, "Those guys over in maintenance said I might have to spend my entire shift in that room. Hey, I got a wife and three kids. I'm not risking my neck. I'll shut up and stay out of there." James Fitzpatrick after his recent coup d'etat. [Photo by Johnny Rotten] Bellarmine Parking Approved By J. Thomas Draper In an effort to alleviate the ever present parking problems on campus the Board of Trustees has unanimously approved the raz-ing of Bellarmine Hall. The plans call for a new four tier parking port to be construct-ed by the fall of 1987. According to inside sources the many people that now work in the Fairfield mainstay are excited about the change. "It's the greatest razing since the drink-ing age."said P.J. DeFicit. "We're all tick-led pink to have valet parking on campus." AloysiusP. Kelly,S.J., the current Presi-dent of the University is rumored to be un-happy with the changes. The plans have called for a new job description for the President. Along with his regular respon-sibilities of meeting with alumni, attending luncheons and generally raising the image of the Stag, the Padre will now be expect-ed to park cars and ticket violators. Also he will no longer have 125 reserved spaces on campus. Father Higgins, currently second in com-mand at the Bellarmine Base is more excit-ed about the changes. "Heck I've been here for years. I'm looking forward to driving other peoples' Mercedes and Cadillacs at gue.'.s-who-may-care-speeds. It's good for morale to mix up the responsibilities a bit." Most of the offices will still be located on the Hill. As newly appointed Trustee Ja-son Robards put it,"We wanted the school to have a survivalist image, sorta like Max Dugan. We decided to put admissions in an army surplus tent, fully equiped with cots and lots of good hot coffee and donuts. Sorta like 7-11." Accounting and Finance designations are yet to be determined. Several local experts, experienced in college parking lots have speculated privately that these departments will probably find their way into the base-ment of the Campus Center next to what is currently the Large Green Dumpster. Demolition is set for March 30,1987. A roving Mirror reporter spots the comatose feline in a deteriorating state. And it ain't no joke! [Photo by Stephen Humorless] Fitz takes over, ousts Al by Stephen J. Humes One university official look COM10J ol the university's Board of Trustees meeting last Friday, declared the Board dissolved, sus-pended the president indefinitely, and an-nounced himself acting president. James D. Fitzpatrick, director of univer-sity activities, issued the following state-ment Monday: "Effective immediately, the university activities department has as-sumed total control of all operations of the university." Fitzpatrick cited last Thursday night's meeting as the reason. Fitzpatrick said, "I was at home and it was very late. I knew the Board of Trustees meeting was still in session and that they were drinking alcohol and thinking bad thoughts. Such behavior is totally unaccept-able by standards of Fairfield University." Fitzpatrick met with Aloysius P. Kcllcy, university president, on Friday at 12:30 p.m. Fitzpatrick said, "I suspended Fr. Kcl-lcy indefinitely, and I recommended the im-mediate divestiture and disinvestiture in vestments, the Jesuit vestments." Fitz-patrick, who stood wearing black boots, pantaloons, and pacing feverishly around his office, mumbling in broken German ad-ded, "I know I got ugly, but I did what I felt was right for me and the homeland- Fairfield University. Besides I hate those collars the priests wear. Why won't Al dress like the rest of us? Take Fr. Mooncy for example. He doesn't dress like a priest, and he shouldn't." "Achtung! Ich bin dein Fuehrer! Fitzpatrick said he plans to dictate every-thing on campus, by the authority he gives himself, and the authority he receives as director of university activities. Some of his dictums will be issued to control alcohol, dress code (brown shirts only), visiting hours (none), durations of public meetings (three minutes), and free sex (only if he is present). The Jesuit priests, according lo Fitzpatrick, will begin to say Mass in a dead-German dialect. The eucharistic wafer will be replaced with pretzels, and assort-ed sauces will be graciously provided for those in attcndcncc for pretzel dipping. And the new modern language require-ment has been modified somewhat, accord-ing to the Fuehrer who declared his name changed to Fitzburgcr. Effective immedi-ately, the languages available for study on the undergraduate level will be Intro to Ger-man 101, Intermediate German 201, Ad-vanced German 281, and Me and Jesse Owens by the Fuehrer himself. • And all those who fail to pronounce his name correctly will sleep in intensely-heated rooms, said Fitzburger. The Board of Trustees will never be reestablished, said Fitzburgcr, as he is cer-tain one man can govern must more force-fully and efficiently as can 36 people. Furthermore, Aloysius P. Kelley probably won't be reinstated until he can prove he knows how to run the university properly, the Fitzburger way.
Object Description
Title | Mirror - Vol. 09, No. 29 - March 27, 1986 |
Date | March 27 1986 |
Description | [PLEASE NOTE: This issue of The Fairfield Horror is the annual April Fool's issue of the Mirror.] The Mirror (sometimes called the Fairfield Mirror) is the official student newspaper of Fairfield University, and is published weekly during the academic year (September - May). It runs from 1977 - the present; current issues are available online. |
Notes | A timeline for Fairfield University student newspapers is as follows: The Tentative, Nov. 7, 1947 - Dec. 19, 1947; The Fulcrum, Jan. 9, 1948 - May 20, 1949; The Stag, Sept. 23, 1949 - May 6, 1970; The University Voice, Oct. 1, 1970 - May 11, 1977; The Fairfield Free Press & Review, Sept. 10, 1970 - Apr. 24, 1975; The Fairfield Mirror, Sept. 22, 1977 - present. |
Type of Document | Newspaper |
Original Format | Newsprint; color; ill.; 11.5 x 17 in. |
Digital Specifications | These images exist as archived TIFFs, JPEGs and one or more PDF versions for general use. Digitized by Creekside Digital through the LYRASIS group. |
Publisher | Fairfield University |
Place of Publication | Fairfield, Conn. |
Source | Fairfield University Archives and Special Collections |
Copyright Information | Fairfield University reserves all rights to this resource which is provided here for educational and/or non-commercial purposes only. |
Identifier | MIR19860327 |
Description
Title | Page 1 |
SearchData | The FairfieldHORRORV Volume WWII, No. 8:00 a.m. Sunday, December 7, 1941 The Image of Fairfield Pet Sematary found in Bannow by Stephen King Horror oozes from the room in Bannow. The men's bathroom on the second floor. In a startling discovery, reporters unco-vered a burial ground for cats, and possi-bly other creatures, in the ceiling of the men's bathroom less than 50 yards away from the university Biology Department's morgue. The morgue contains laboratory-animal specimens which include cats, sharks, frogs, sheep brains, and fetal pigs. A laboratory instructor, who asked not to be identified, told Tlw Horror that she frequently heard cat meows coming from the morgue, and on occassion, she had even heard cat noises coming from the bathroom in question. The discovery of the pet sematary in the men's bathroom, the source said, might ex-plain some of the specimen disappearances. It is due to the disappearances that the university bought at least twice as many cats this year, said a specimen supplier in town. The men's bathroom, which janitors say has been plagued with odors not of human origin, has created havoc for the custodians. Paul Borman, a weekend janitor, said, "I could never figure out why I hear rustling in the rafters. I just clean the damn room and get out." When asked where he relieves himself, Borman said, "I don't go in there unless I have to. There's a John down the hall on the faculty side, and that's far enough for me." Borman said he tried to report his suspi-cians to his supervisors, but was laughed at, and threatened. Borman said, "Those guys over in maintenance said I might have to spend my entire shift in that room. Hey, I got a wife and three kids. I'm not risking my neck. I'll shut up and stay out of there." James Fitzpatrick after his recent coup d'etat. [Photo by Johnny Rotten] Bellarmine Parking Approved By J. Thomas Draper In an effort to alleviate the ever present parking problems on campus the Board of Trustees has unanimously approved the raz-ing of Bellarmine Hall. The plans call for a new four tier parking port to be construct-ed by the fall of 1987. According to inside sources the many people that now work in the Fairfield mainstay are excited about the change. "It's the greatest razing since the drink-ing age."said P.J. DeFicit. "We're all tick-led pink to have valet parking on campus." AloysiusP. Kelly,S.J., the current Presi-dent of the University is rumored to be un-happy with the changes. The plans have called for a new job description for the President. Along with his regular respon-sibilities of meeting with alumni, attending luncheons and generally raising the image of the Stag, the Padre will now be expect-ed to park cars and ticket violators. Also he will no longer have 125 reserved spaces on campus. Father Higgins, currently second in com-mand at the Bellarmine Base is more excit-ed about the changes. "Heck I've been here for years. I'm looking forward to driving other peoples' Mercedes and Cadillacs at gue.'.s-who-may-care-speeds. It's good for morale to mix up the responsibilities a bit." Most of the offices will still be located on the Hill. As newly appointed Trustee Ja-son Robards put it,"We wanted the school to have a survivalist image, sorta like Max Dugan. We decided to put admissions in an army surplus tent, fully equiped with cots and lots of good hot coffee and donuts. Sorta like 7-11." Accounting and Finance designations are yet to be determined. Several local experts, experienced in college parking lots have speculated privately that these departments will probably find their way into the base-ment of the Campus Center next to what is currently the Large Green Dumpster. Demolition is set for March 30,1987. A roving Mirror reporter spots the comatose feline in a deteriorating state. And it ain't no joke! [Photo by Stephen Humorless] Fitz takes over, ousts Al by Stephen J. Humes One university official look COM10J ol the university's Board of Trustees meeting last Friday, declared the Board dissolved, sus-pended the president indefinitely, and an-nounced himself acting president. James D. Fitzpatrick, director of univer-sity activities, issued the following state-ment Monday: "Effective immediately, the university activities department has as-sumed total control of all operations of the university." Fitzpatrick cited last Thursday night's meeting as the reason. Fitzpatrick said, "I was at home and it was very late. I knew the Board of Trustees meeting was still in session and that they were drinking alcohol and thinking bad thoughts. Such behavior is totally unaccept-able by standards of Fairfield University." Fitzpatrick met with Aloysius P. Kcllcy, university president, on Friday at 12:30 p.m. Fitzpatrick said, "I suspended Fr. Kcl-lcy indefinitely, and I recommended the im-mediate divestiture and disinvestiture in vestments, the Jesuit vestments." Fitz-patrick, who stood wearing black boots, pantaloons, and pacing feverishly around his office, mumbling in broken German ad-ded, "I know I got ugly, but I did what I felt was right for me and the homeland- Fairfield University. Besides I hate those collars the priests wear. Why won't Al dress like the rest of us? Take Fr. Mooncy for example. He doesn't dress like a priest, and he shouldn't." "Achtung! Ich bin dein Fuehrer! Fitzpatrick said he plans to dictate every-thing on campus, by the authority he gives himself, and the authority he receives as director of university activities. Some of his dictums will be issued to control alcohol, dress code (brown shirts only), visiting hours (none), durations of public meetings (three minutes), and free sex (only if he is present). The Jesuit priests, according lo Fitzpatrick, will begin to say Mass in a dead-German dialect. The eucharistic wafer will be replaced with pretzels, and assort-ed sauces will be graciously provided for those in attcndcncc for pretzel dipping. And the new modern language require-ment has been modified somewhat, accord-ing to the Fuehrer who declared his name changed to Fitzburgcr. Effective immedi-ately, the languages available for study on the undergraduate level will be Intro to Ger-man 101, Intermediate German 201, Ad-vanced German 281, and Me and Jesse Owens by the Fuehrer himself. • And all those who fail to pronounce his name correctly will sleep in intensely-heated rooms, said Fitzburger. The Board of Trustees will never be reestablished, said Fitzburgcr, as he is cer-tain one man can govern must more force-fully and efficiently as can 36 people. Furthermore, Aloysius P. Kelley probably won't be reinstated until he can prove he knows how to run the university properly, the Fitzburger way. |