Mirror - Vol. 08, No. 28 - April 01, 1985

              "The Image
of
Fairfield"
Nonprofit Organization
U.S. POSTAGE
PAID
Permit No. 32
Fairfield, Conn.
Volume 8, No. 28 April Fools Day April 1, 1985 06430 Incorporated 1977
Schimpf Fired, Switches
Jobs With O'Connor
by Stephen J. Humes
University President, Rev. Aloysius P. Kelley,
S.J., made a startling announcement Friday fol-lowing
an emergency meeting of the Board of
Trustees of the university.
Vice-President William P. Schimpf, Director of
Housing and Rev. John W. Keegan, S.J., have
been fired summarily from their positions at Stu-dent
Services and asked to move all their belong-ings
over to Alumni Hall. ivlr. Schimpf has been
appointed Head Coach of the Men's Basketball
team and Fr. Keegan starts immediately as the
official Stags' ball boy.
Fr. Kelley went on to discuss the future of Stu-dent
Services. "We have made an outstanding
choice for a new Vice-President. Terry O'Connor
has accepted our offer and will start immediately
as the successor to Mr. Schimpf." Fr. Kelley ad-ded,
"We couldn't have made a better choice."
Terry O'Connor said, "I'm happy to return to
Fairfield in this important position." He added,
"There was a need for change in leadership in
order for the Student Services program to grow."
When asked to comment on the new basketball
coach, Terry replied, "I suspect this has been
Schimpf's fantasy ever since he came to the
university. I've seen him in the stands at every
home game and I always knew one thing—he's
watching. And I'd say, Schimpf my friend, how
would you like to come down here and coach me?
I know you want to coach me, and you know you
want to coach me, and you know that I know that
you know that 1 know you want to coach me. So
when I stand up, come down here and coach me."
Terry commented on his new job saying, "It's
going to take me four recruiting years to turn this
Student Services program around. I'm going to
bring in RA's who are less offensive and have a
better mind for defense. Also, I'm not going to stop
until I get high scoring housing personnel, a ju-dicial
officer with a commanding presence on and
off court, and a much better Orientation. From
now on, we will hold a three-week intensive
basketball clinic run by Mr. Schimpf instead of
the usual socializing.
Mr. Schimpf talked aboutthe new switch. "From
now on, i want the students and my players to
call me 'Billy' so that I can establish a friendlier
relationship with everyone."
Surprisingly, Fr. Keegan could not be reached
for comment because he was talking with some
friends he recently made on Regis II. Mr. Schimpf
said, however, that Fr. Keegan was already work-ing
on plans for his new job as the Director of
Basketball Equipment.
A spokesman for the National Association of
Independent Colleges and Universities was quot-
3d in the New Ybrk Times saying, "This represents
the great initiative of Fairfield. The switch could
make them a competitive factor on the East coast.
I think we'll see Fairfield's Student Services go
on to become the strongest in the MAAC."
[Photosby William Shatner]
Barone Announces Development Projects
by Chris Tyler
University Provost, Dr. John Barone, recently
announce the University's ten year Master Plan
and the receipt of a large grant to begin the
project.
According to Barone, Gulf Western, a con-glomerate
organization, has given Fairfield
University $35 million to begin work on several
key projects in the Ten year Master Plan. A
spokesperson for GuIf Western said, "We need-ed
a tax write-off and Fairfield looked as good as
any place."
Barone commented on the grant by saying,
"Now we can start running this place MY way!"
The Provost announced also that work-on three
key projects have now begun as a result of the
new found investment funding. "Well we have
contracted an architect to design my little baby
down at the beach. We bought up fifteen houses
from Herm Fricke and Lowel Barker and I'm go-ing
to rip them down and push the TPZ (Town
MX Missile Digging Begins On Campus
by Kevin Coghlan
There has been great concern across this great
country of ours about those no-good, evil-loving
Russians and their offensive buildup of nuclear
arsenals. They are evil and that's all there is to
it! They don't even belong in the human race! I
mean who is to say what country they will rape
and pillage next. That's why Fairfield University
and several other life-loving universities across
the country are taking part in the, "Let's Keep
America on the Map with Nuclear Weapons"
program.
Fairfield is one of the first universities to take
part in the program. The government is install-ing
a new, super-deluxe Intercontinental Ballis-tic
Missile System along with the MX missile
system right here on our campus! The best part
is that the installation was totally free of cost. The
money that would have been used to feed those
low-life, leeching poor people has been re-appropriated
to install this new ballistic system.
I mean who cares about those blood-sucking poor
people anyway! They are always looking for a han-dout.
Why don't they get a job like everybody else.
Anyway, getting back to the subject, the new pro-tective
system will be able to retaliate one fifth
of the Russian forces. Now that's IMPRESSIVE!!!
The Arms Talks in Geneva are due to be seri-ously
impeded by the new U.S. nuclear defense
strategy. Soviet Foreign Minister, Andrei Gromyko,
senior member of the existing, Politburo com-mented
on the news of the university based mili-tary
plans by saying, that the University of Moscow
had ICBM capability before any of the students
at Fairfield were born. Intelligence officials in the
U.S. could not confirm Gromyko's claim of an aca-demic
arsenal.
This new system will not only effect the securi-ty
of the campus in a positive vein but, also the
academics. Instead of taking those bleeding
heart, wimp liberal courses like; Philosophy,
Religion, and English, the "new" F.U. student will
be required to take Ballistic Systems-101, Mobile
Defensive Weapons-201, and How to Win a
Nuclear War-301.
I think that it's about time Fairfield took its head
out of the ground and realized that ever-growing
need for nuclear weapons in our backyard. Fair-field
can hold its head high in proclamation and
say, "We are proud to meet the challenge of the
eighties with our Nuclear Weapons System!!!!!!"
Planning and Zoning) to give us an eight story
apartment complex," said Barone.
The property that the university has purchased
is on Fairfield Beach Road and overlooks Long
Island Sound. Barone added that demolition of
the existing structures would begin in early June.
"I want to get started on this as early as possi-ble,"
commented the Provost, "I'd like to start see-ing
girders being welded in August."
Barone also stated that plans to construct eight
additional Townhouses are now going to be be-gun
as soon as the TPZ approves the zoning. "We
have a lot of influence in this community," said
Barone of how he was going to gain the neces-sary
approval for Townhouse construction. He ad-ded,
"Besides they can't turn us down. I've been
looking at some land in Weston. If they turn us
down I'll pick the whole damn place up and move
to Weston they'll appreciate the business."
Ground breaking for the Arts Center will occur
early next week. Barone said, "On Monday or
Tuesday Al (Kelley), George (Diffley), and Terry
(O'Connor) and myself will all shovel up some dirt
for the press. I've wanted to get this project roll-ing
for a long time." The Arts Center will, accord-ing
to Barone have a small museum and a theatre
for the performing arts. Philip Eliasoph added,
"Finally we'll have a place to put some real art.
I mean that modern stuff is O.K. but I've been wait-ing
for a place to put the real art, you know the
rennaissance stuff."
Other items on the Master Plan include con-struction
of a twenty-two story dormitory hi-rise,
to be called Barone tower, and an underground
subway system that will connect Kostaka and
claver, the Townhouses, the Quad, Canisius, and
Bannow. Said Barone, "Trains should run every
eight minutes from eight a.m. to six p.m. and ev-ery
fifteen minutes between six p.m. and eight
a.m. Construction for Barone Tower and Barone
lines Subway (BLS) are slated to begin in the
spring of 1986.
Roaches Infest The Dorms
First stages of the MX Missile construction have begun on Campion Field. The enormous
ditch is huge compared to the Recplex seen in the background.
[Photo by Anne Leibowitz]
by Anita Hit
Recently there has been an alarming outbreak
of roaches in the dorms. These little critters are
finding their way into students rooms, pants pock-ets,
and of all places, ziplock plastic bags. Can-nibus
sensemilius, the scientific name for these
oete noirs, is a fairly toxic species. Unfortunate-ly,
this is the same species that has been storm-ing
the dorms.
One must be careful in the handling of these
roaches as they inject their toxic smoke into your
lungs. If this should happen, you may feel a little
light headed at first, and then the feeling may be-come
increasingly more intense. You may find
yourself doing and saying things you never
thought possible. For instance, you may find that
you break into a series of uncontrollable laugh-ing
fits, followed by a voluminous thirst and hun-ger.
The only known cure is to get some food,
preferably munchies like ice cream or cookies,
and a good night's rest.
There are a few methods of capturing the
roaches if you should spot one. The first and most
common device used for capture is theroach clip.
Designed in the same fashion as the mouse trap,
this device is manually operated to capture the
roach between two serrated metallic plates kept
taught by a spring. The clip comes in a variety
of colors, shapes, and sizes to add creativity and
beauty to your capture. Another method of cap-ture
is to use an ordinary needle. You merely
"stab" the roach. However, this method is not as
effective as the roach clip and is not recom-mended.
What ever method you use to get rid of these
creatures, please use caution. These are not your
run-of-the-mill roaches. They are dangerous.