Mirror - Vol. 07, No. 22 - March 30, 1984

              "The Mirror
has
Cracked"
I THE ^
FAIRDALE \ JMORRONl Nonprofit Organization
U. S. POSTAGE
PAID'
Permit No. 34
Fairfield, Conn.
April Fool's Issue Wck^tL Country Club Intoxicated Since 1977
Annual Tuition Increase
Continues: Rise of 100%
by Christine Ryan
"A move like this will put us up on the same level as a Princeton or a Yale in terms of prestige,"
declared Rev. Aloysius R Kelley, S.J., after announcing the new plan to double the tuition and the
room and board at Fairfield University. "Now we can be included among the ranks of the best schools
in the country."
The one hundred percent increase will raise the tuition to $11,100 and the room and board to $6200
for one academic year. The President asked for the increase in tuition in order to "enhance the quality
of the education and to strengthen the scholarship program for new students." One new scholar-ship
available to the Class of '88 is for Egyptian goat farmers with only nine toes, and another will
be offered to daughters of left-handed American rug weavers. -•-'
Provost John Barone has also asked for a substantial increase to cover the areas that had been
neglected in recent years. "We surveyed various departments and discovered that many secretar-ies
had only two boxes of paper clips, for example. A situation like this must be remedied as soon
as possible. I also felt it was only fair for my furniture to be reupholstered since I've had the same
pattern for almost two years now."
Both Father Kelley and Provost Barone were pleased that the total bill will be $17,300. "Perhaps
now we will pull in some big names like Kennedy or Rockefeller," President Kelley stated. "In the
past, our fees were too low to command that kind of honor from upper-class students. I cannot wait
to see the Rolls Royces start to pull in during Orientation."
The room and board increase was also well received by Jim Fitzpatrick, who is the liason between
Seilers Food Service and the university. "Both Ted and Gayle had indicated that an increase was
necessary to replace all the napkins that students have been wasting. Perhaps now they will be
able to heat up some of the meals before serving them." The maintenance staff will now provide
room vacuuming and dusting on the weekends, and the maids will be required to lay out nightclothes
each night.
Several students questioned were excited about the increase, and few indicated displeasure. "I
can't wait to be able to go shopping with food stamps," declared Shawn Brady—Class of '86, "since
my family will finally be allowed to use them." Other students welcomed the opportunity to lie on
their FAF form to receive more aid. "The doubling of the fees may become an annual event if it goes
over well," commented Father Kelley.
Bryan LeClerc undergoes new hot but treatment as part of the new Beer Counseling
therapy. [Photo by Marguerite Hinderer]
Nautilus To Serve As
Beer Counseling Center
by Thomas P. Moore
Beer counseling services will be added to the
psychological testing materials that are available
to university students. Housed in new facilities
located in the Nautilus Cafe, the facilities include
room for basic imbibing as well as advance prac-tices
as the 'Fairfield Swim.'
The center for Beer Counseling is due to be
staffed by John Pacheco, well known for his
original concept of Peer Counseling, and Tim Bou-langer,
of notable Nautilus fame. Pacheco de-
Pellar To Find Some Commencement Beef
by Will U. Talk
Fairfield University announced that a selection
has been made with regards to the Commence-ment
speaker for the graduation ceremonies.
Miss Clara Pellar, who has gained considerable
notoriety as a spokeswoman for Wendy's fast
food chains, was picked to give the address af-ter
a long and difficult decision making process.
Said Provost John Barone, of the selection, "We
had several good candidates. We narrowed our
choices down to two, Mr. T or Miss Pellar, on the
basis of popularity, interest, and how much
money they want." When Mr. T learned that he
was not selected he was quoted as saying "I pity
the man, I pity the fool that don't pick me to lec-ture.
I'm gonna find that guy and then bust him
up, real bad!"
Miss Pellar was brought to Fairfield Universi-ty
just recently to meet with Fairfield University
President Aloysius Kelley S.J. to discuss the con-tent
of her address. According to Miss Pellar the
meeting was productive and very useful. When
Miss Pellar was asked what she thought of Fr.
*;%W^*ff*8*J*!
Wendy's Clara Pellar, "where's the beef?'
Kelley she stated, "Where's his hair? Where's the
hair? I don't think there's any hair back there, I
really don't".
Miss Pellar will be in the Fairfield area during
the week of graduation. This fact is one of the
reasons she was selected to speak according to
Dr. Barone. Miss Pellar has apparently sold out
the New Haven Coliseum as well as the Hartford
Civic Center while on her "Where's the beef tour
'84."
Miss Pellar said she was looking forward to
speaking at Fairfield University. She said that she
was planning on lecturing on the state of the fast
food industry and the importance of good adver-tising.
Presidential hopefuls Gary Hart and Walter
Mondale have received invitations to attend the
ceremonies to end their bitter feud over where
the beef really is. Said Senator Hart "If we can
find where the beef is then we can decide who
has the best buns for it". Miss Pellar was told that
the two men would be attending. Upon learning
this she said "Where's a real candidate? I don't
think there's a real candidate around here. I really
don't."
scribed the center for drinking studies as being a
place, "Where students can go to get really shit-faced
and learn at the same time. Experiments are
being designed now in the hopes that a program
such as a Beer Drinking Honor's Seminar could
be put together."
Pacheco's plans offer students on both the un-dergraduate
and graduate level the opportunity
to engulf their minds in the areas of the fascinat-ing
fields of 'cotton mouth' as well as the yet un-researched
area of beer farts and belches. The
facility will be open to all faculty on an out pa-tient
basis.
The original idea for the center came to Mr.
Pacheco while he was in the Button over spring
break this year. "I saw the incredible importance
of beer in college life and I thought that the time
had come to remove some of the stigma associ-ated
with the practices of drinking beyond one's
body limit and consequently vomiting." He
thought that it would be in the best interest of the
students at Fairfield to devote some serious time
to the field in an academic fashion.
When asked what he thought about his new
post as Student Director of the Beer Counseling
center in the Naut, Tim Boulanger said, "It's
about time that the activities that students spend
the most time doing get some real, professional
attention.
Commenting on how the new aspect of edu-cation
at Fairfield will affect our academic stand-ing
as research university, Rev. Aloysius P. Kelley,
S.J., the University President asserted, "The de-velopment
of this facility over the next few years
should draw the biggest names in drinking from
all over the area. It will really add to the already
prestigious yet ailing status of Fairfield's social
life. The new drinking age has set us back some
but I feel that with a fine facility like the Beer
Counseling Center for us to use, our reputation
as a party school could definitely be returned to
its former status."
Left Wing Faculty Throws Support To President Reagan
by David M. Rothbard
With a sharp reversal of their previous position,
several noted faculty members on the Fairfield
campus declared that they had been "misled"
in their harsh criticism of President Reagan and
vowed to support the President in his re-election
bid this November.
Over the past several years, faculty members
have been quite caustic in their denunciation of
President Reagan's agenda. Led by Political
Science Professor Kevin Cassidy and Religious
Studies Professor Paul Lakeland, the faculty had
criticized Reagan's policies in classroom discus-sion
and in published articles. In fact, a letter
signed by many religion, philosophy, and politi-cal
science professors which denounced the de-ployment
of Pershing ll's and Cruise missiles in
Western Germany was published in the MIRROR
this semester. "But we realize we were wrong
and regret being so naive," stated Dr. Cassidy.
In a letter addressed to the faculty and student
body of Fairfield and dated March 15, 1984, out-spoken
faculty critics of the President apologized
for their previous position and promised to
propagate the Republican conservative philoso-phy
in their respective classes. Dr. Lakeland af-firmed,
"In the past, we all believed that the
President was a war monger and cared only for
the rich." He continued, "Now we know that that
childish stand was totally unfounded in reality'
In order to prove their sincerity, the professors
signed on as lifelong members of the College
Republicans and each donated $1,000 to the
Reagan/Bush '84 effort, according to John Or-man,
leading member of the new faculty coali-tion
for Reagan and Chairman of the politics
department. Orman said, "This is not a joke; we
realize we were wrong and want to make
amends." "We just hope that the President will
forgive us," he added.
Joining his colleagues in their reversal of po-
Dr. Paul F. Lakeland, Professor of Religious Studies, recently confessed to holding the wrong
ideology concerning national and international events.
sition, Dr. Walter Petry, now on sabbatical in
Nicaragua, sent a letter to the MIRROR which
outlined why he now supports the administra-tion's
Central American policy and why he feels
that his previous position was absurd. "The
domino theory is for real," he asserted, "and I
don't want to be to blame when them dominos
start a'fallin."
In a decree from University President, Aloysius
Kelley, S.J., the teaching of Marx and Engels is
now prohibited at Fairfield and only works by
Michael Novak will be permitted in liberation the-ology
classes. "There will be no more so called
'peace symposiums' allowed to be held on cam-pus,"
Father Kelley declared, "and Philip Berri-gan
and J. Bryan Hehir are never to step foot on
this campus again."
It is still unclear why the professors finally saw
the light but it is certainly a welcomed change
on campus, according to many students. When
asked what he thought about the sudden
change, MIRROR Politics Editor, Michael Guar-nieri
said that the change was long overdue. "I
don't know what the hell took them all so long to
see how foolish their ideas were," he said.
After being alerted about this change on the
Fairfield campus, President Reagan sent a tele-gram
to the faculty which commended them for
having had the decency to admit they had been
so terribly wrong. "I'm glad they finally realized
I was right all along," the President declared.