Mirror - Vol. 05, No. 23 - April 1, 1982

              'The Mirror
has
Cracked"
I THE "S
FAIRDALE [MORRON Nonprofit Organization
U. S. POSTAGE
PAID
Permit No. 34
Fairfield, Conn.
FINAL ISSUE! Fairdale Country Club Intoxicated Since 1977
We're Outta Here
Fairfield University To Close
University doors will close forever at the end of this year. An IRS audit
has forced administrators to put the school up for sale in an effort to pay
off debts. If anybody is interested the asking price is $85 million.
[Photo by Chuck Hacker]
Pencilled Portrait
by Tim Casey and
Richard Swietek
Fairfield University announced
today, that the school will close
its doors for good at the end of the
present academic year.
Government officials stated
that a recent IRS audit uncovered
$55 million in back taxes and
debts owed by the university to
various firms and agencies. Due to
the overwhelming amount of
these outstanding accounts the
university has been forced to put
all of its facilities up for sale,
The largest tab the Jesuit run
facility incurred came from a local
liquor store in Fairfield. One
Jesuit stated, "This would have
never happened if they listened to
me and bought wholesale!"
President Aloysius P. Kelley
was very disappointed at the
school's closing. A candid Presi-dent
Kelley stated, "I'm very dis-appointed
at the school's closing."
Administrators were shocked
upon hearing the news. Mr. Wil-liam
P. Schimpf, Vice-President of
Student Services commented, "I
guess this solves the shuttle con--
troversy once and for all."
Peeping Tom... Exposed
by Mark O'Connor
Editor's note: The Mirror was able
to get an exclusive interview with
the man who has been stalking the
halls of Fairfield University "peep-ing"
at women while they show-ered.
He wishes his identity to re-main
anonymous for obvious legal
reasons. However, he did agree to
talk to the Mirror; we found him as
he was repairing a telescope.
MIRROR: You have been charac-terized
as a "sick, degenerate per-vert"
by the very women you view.
How do you respond to these
accusations?
THOMAS: I reject them totally. For
me, peeping is an expression of
myself as a person and as an art-in
your work at all?
THOMAS: Even photos, while bet-ter
than paintings, still have poor
VTRS due to the spatial distance
between the real thing and the
photograph.
MIRROR: You continue to catego-rize
what you do as an art. I really
fail to see artistic merit of any sort
in what you do. Please explain.
THOMAS: Obviously, you possess
little or no artistic insight or you
would be able to see the value of
my purpose. But, as proof of the
"merit" and seriousness of work,
I've applied for and received, a
5000 dollar grant from the Endow-ment
for the Arts to further pursue
my dream.
THOMAS: And you sir, are obvi-ously
an insensitive boor oblivious
to the need for quality in art. But
remember, the gospel is spreading
and when you least expect it,
someone will be watching you
shower.
Henry Krell, Dean of Student
Services, was noticeably crushed.
"I'm just glad I won't have to listen
to student complaints anymore.
Nag, nag, nag; they're worse than
my wife."
Cynthia Wolf, Judicial Officer,
could only concern herself with
the students' interests. Ms. Wolf
stated, "This does not change the
complexion of students facing
probation. They will continue to
serve their sentences in the
Bridgeport Correctional Institute."
John Hickson, Vice-President of
Finance, was gravely disappoint-ed,
"the government would have
never caught on if it weren't for
the problems with the Deli,"
stated Hickson.
Mr. Hickson has received a re-quest
to work for the Reagan ad-ministration
and will be moving to
his new position of Budget Direc-tor
very soon. Reagan officials
cited the paltry $55 million dollar
deficit Hickson managed as an
excellent qualification. "We feel
that John can do the same kind of
miracles with our budget," added
one official. .
Bill Byrne of Seiler's announced
that they will be moving their facil-ities
to San Quentin Prison. "We
plan to serve the inmates of San
Quentin with the same quality and
efficiency that we served the
students of Fairfield," said Mr.
Byrne.
The infirmary in an attempt to
aid the university in paying off its
debts is staging a one-time-only
sale of all drugs in stock. As an
added incentive the nurses will be
giving away one pound of Sudafed
ind a case of Chloroseptic with
every $20 purchase.
Security officers have already
been chosen as bouncers by local
bars. All were quite happy to have
found jobs so quickly. One guard
added, "I'll finally get a chance to
use this club I carry around."
Faculty at Fairfield will be vying
for positions on the Riverfield Ele-mentary
School staff. Fairfield
Superintendent stated, "I'm sure
they are all qualified to fill the
spots, but if necessary seminars
will be held to aid them in the re-learning
process.
The university is asking $85 mil-lion
for its facilities, and hopes to
have a buyer very soon.
Provost John Barone stated,
"We think it's a reasonable price
for 900 rooms and full baths on a
hill with a view of Long Island."
At the present moment the high-est
bids have been received from
the government, which hopes to
use the grounds to install the new
MX missile program, and Mick
Jagger, who wishes to use the uni-versity
for a retreat and rehearsal
hall. Jagger withdrew his bid
though, when he found that co-eds
were not part of the deal.
When asked about the plans
Jesuits had for after the closing
President Kelley replied, "We'll
probably be serving as mission-aries
on the French Riviera for the
next couple of years."
One Jesuit seemed very opti-mistic
about the future he would
be facing outside the university.
"I hear the wines are very good
and I can't wait to meet my first
cloistered monk," he added.
ist. I feel that I've elevated the
practice of peeping, out of the gut-ter,
to a highly respected art form.
People fail to realize the practical
importance of what I'm doing.
However, Michelangelo, Da Vinci,
and all the great masters for that
matter, went unrecognized by
their contemporaries and I find
solace in that thought.
MIRROR: Exactly what "practical
importance" do you even possibly
derive from sneaking up on wo-men
and watching them shower?
THOMAS: First of all, I don't
"sneak" up on anyone. I prefer to
call it a predatory stealth. The
most important part of observing
women is what I like to call the
visual retention time span (VTRS).
I have theory that the closer one
views an object, the better one re-tains
a visual image in his mind.
Thus a painting has a poor VTRS
rating since it is merely a repre-sentation
of an object.
MIRROR: Do you use photography
MIRROR: The government, our
government, is actually support-ing
your voyeurism?
THOMAS: Again, I must stress
that what I do is not voyeurism but
art! And yes, they are supporting
me in answer to your question.
Soon, no university will be safe
from, I mean...uh, deprived of,
this invaluable form of expression.
MIRROR: You mean there will act-ually
be more of you people run-ning
around loose all over the
country?!!
THOMAS: Oh definitely. I think it's
a sign of the times. We'll also
open a hotline for repressed peep-ers.
It's high time peeping came
out from behind the shower cur-tain
and into the open. The toll
-free number (800-555-LOOK) will
allow these fear and guilt-ridden
people to come to grips with the
realization that peeping is as nat-ural
as eating or sleeping. "
MIRROR: You are a filthy, degen-erate
pervert!
We Want Beer!!
We are students. We are
thirsty. Therefore, whence,
ergo, thus and in conclusion,
we need beer.
- We support Schimpf's sug-gested
supplement to serve
students bubbling beer flowing
freely from forty fountains
across campus.
An enlightened Dean
Schimpf brought the idea to
President Aloyisus P. Kelley
S.J., who was enthusiastic
about the idea. "I thought Al
wouldn't take to the sugges-tion,
but by the middle of our
second six of Bud, he began to
see what a good idea it would
be. Al's that kind of guy. He
likes to see happy students,"
stated a staggering Schimpf
sporting a Schlitz sun visor,
Surf Side tee shirt and jeans.
President Kelley, seeing the
validity and the beneficial
aspects of Schimpf's idea, pro-posed
the bill to the Board of
Trustees. In an exclusive inter-view
with the Mirror, a bois-terous
Kelley exclaimed, "I'm
really psyched! This will instill
the Jesuit tradition in the
students. I hope to God the
Board'll go for it."
Although many students
have been rallying in favor of
the bill, FUSA President, Sean
McAuliffe has spoken ada-mantly
against it. "An intel-lectual
community such as
Fairfield must encourage only
the most educationally stimu-lating,
endeavors. The con-sumption
of alcoholic bever-ages
will only serve to weaken
those facilities which we are
striving to develop," stated
McAuliffe.
We support the innovation of
Dean Schimpf's proposal. Fair-field
has always had a reputa-tion
as a great drinking school.
We must encourage the uni-versity's
most- attractive re-cruiting
feature.
Just imagine, before your
Philosophy final, you could
catch a buzz at the nearest hall
fountain (if the lines weren't
too long).
Encourage this bill. Buy each
board member a six.
Consultants:
Lucia Mercurio
Carl S. Gustafson
Jesuit mudwrestling has caused many co-eds to flock to the beaches in an effort to grab some prize money.
During a recent afternoon session The Jersey Jesuit prepares to slam his latest victim as the crowd lays down
its bets. See sports, page 16 [Photo by Rose Anne LaBarre]